Is it time to end it?

[Trayson]

I have been with my girlfriend for a little over a year now. I’m 24 and she is 22. I feel as though we have always had a strong and healthy relationship however, lately, that has taken a downfall and I don't feel so sure about "us" anymore for a few reasons which will be outlined further. I do however ask for any commenter’s honest opinions and advice. Thanks for reading!

I have always looked at relationships as "investments”. This is probably because I'm at an age where I have a steady income/ happily employed and am looking to settle down somewhat (not necessarily in the conventional "marriage" form). But I expect that like any investment a relationship requires sacrifice, growth, and most importantly a return or some form of joy.

I met her while finishing college on an online dating site in Amherst, MA about 2 hrs from home in Boston. She is originally from Boston too. She was a couple years behind in school. We took a liking to each other from the start however took our sexual relationship slowly, which I liked about her because it made me feel as that she would not be so quick to cheat. But we did in good time decide of a mutual monogamous relationship together. So naturally when I left we continued the relationship because it was still convenient to see each other with the 2hr distance in the way.

5 months after being together she left to study abroad in Ireland for 4 months, and I even went to visit during her last two weeks abroad which also fell on my birthday. When the timing was right I did of course ask her appropriately if any thing had “happened” while we were apart and she said no and promised me. I had no choice to believe her; mainly on the basis that I really have had no reason not to trust her and I wanted to and still do want to trust her, Plus, and as far as I’m concerned she very well may not have cheated on me (playful clubbing or un-potential flirting does not count, but would bother me slightly). While we were there together she didn’t seem to be interested in having sex. However, I woke up one morning to her in bed next to me masturbating. She had no good explanation for it just “I’m sorry.” This was the first time she behaved in a way that put me off a little.

Side note: My previous relationship was with a girl that I later realized was cheating on me via craigslist for pay (prostitution essentially). She also convinced me that we were pregnant with another mans baby which I discovered through an email she left open on her laptop. This was devastating to me and has given me major trust issues ever since.

Continuing, we returned from Ireland on Christmas eve together and all has been well until she graduated and moved home from school. This is the crossroads I spoke of earlier.

She has essentially spent every night with me since she moved back, our way of kind of testing out living together. However, for about a month now we have been getting into petty arguments over irrelevant things more and more often. I feel as though she may have some sub-conscious resentment towards me and I have even mentioned this in an encouraging manner to her as well hoping she may admit/realize it so we could discuss it any hopefully resolve it. All she could say is “sorry”, “I sorry, I really don’t have any resentment” almost as though she was just thinking she was telling me what I wanted to hear, which is also how she would respond when I would try to communicate with her about other issues we have had. I also had started catching her in pointless white lies by telling me things that were not even necessary I think in her insecurity of sounding bad. They were nothing major and I never mentioned it to her. This is not the first time in our relationship of quasi living together for periods at a time. In fact we had spent last summer in almost the same fashion and it was terrific.

I have now been seriously thinking about our relationship and wondering if it’s not meant to be. There have been long periods in our time together where I felt positive that she was the girl for me and that I would propose to in time.
Last night was the breaking point and is why I am at this forum asking for advise; I was on her laptop (which she would NEVER let me use which always sketched me out) at her house,) she was in a separate room so she was unaware that I was using it. I was downloading a pdf file for work which brought me to her download section. Not only did I find lesbian pornography which doesn’t bother me at all but I found 2 copyies of one file titled from_the_left_side.pdf dated Nov,10th 2011 (when she was in Ireland) and it was a home made picture of someone’s penis. I work in the IT field so I checked the file out and discovered it was downloaded through a Skype conversation with a guy I had never heard of. Later that night I told her about what I had found. Her eyes grew huge and I could hear her breathing start speed up heavy. Stalling and stuttering on every word she said I could tell she was thinking of an excuse/lie. After telling me that she “clicked on blah blah and this happened after clicking on blah blah blah” I told her that she was lying and mentioned the small white lies I had started to notice. And she continued feeding me her story that I knew was not possible through my education and experience in the IT field. Finally after 5 minutes of this she finally gave in and said desperately and bluntly, “ I’m, sorry, that was all a lie. I don’t know why I kept lying. What really happened was a guy I talked to online before we met randomly messaged me and he sent me a link and I clicked it” And she kept apologizing like she had in the past. Not only does this make me wonder what the story behind the pdf file was even more but make me wonder about all the other things she has lied to me about.

So all a boiled down. We once had a great relationship: Friendship, Trust, and Hope for the future. After her moving back we lost our friendship with all the petty arguments. I lost her trust with the picture I found and her admitted lie. Which has given me no hope for our future together or even compatibility. The only reason I haven’t left her is that I feel that she makes me a better person, that she believes and supports me and truly does love me (whatever that means). And frankly I’m lonely. I work most the time so I don’t have much of a social life so I feel if I leave her I will be all alone.

Is it time to end it? If so, how should I end it? Or should I try and fix it and if so how should I do that? I understand “There are plenty more fish in the sea” but after this I feel tired and it would sadden me deeply to throw away the relationship we developed over the past year. I can honestly say that it has been the best relationship I have had but I am still only 24.
Thank you for bearing with my long winded explanation and I truly apprieciate any comments!

Thanks,
Annoymous Male

[HeartIsAching]

Dunno about you, but it's time for her to end it. Holy shit.

[Trayson]

Dunno about you, but it's time for her to end it. Holy shit.

Why holy shit is it time for her to end it?

[HeartIsAching]

Why holy shit is it time for her to end it?

You've got some serious issues. You're controlling and manipulative. You isolate her and invade her privacy left and right. You need help.

[Wakeup]

[B]The only reason I haven't left her is that I feel that she makes me a better person, that she believes and supports me and truly does love me (whatever that means). And frankly I'm lonely. I work most the time so I don't have much of a social life so I feel if I leave her I will be all alone.

Excuse me but you have very low self worth and co-dependency issues. You don't even like this woman and you don't trust her as far as you can throw her.. You'll torment each other to distraction. Yet, you wonder if you should stay with her because you think: "you are a "better person when you're with her and you'll be lonely without her"... What, say what? Really... a "better person" does not behave the way you've behaved.

If one doesn't trust his partner then his "investment" is not bringing in a return and it's time for him to man up and diversify. Get the ballzzz to leave this person you do not trust (wtf is wrong with her that she hasn't fled you yet, is another story) and quit setting her up to lie because you have no boundaries and you keep snooping like a creep. My ass would be on fire I'd be fleeing from you so fast. Dick shot or no dick shot.

I don't know if she is having cyber sex with dudes but I do know that your picker is broke (who the hell is with a prostitute and doesn't know it until he snooped?) and you need some help with your own fear of abandonment and trust issues. Depart and work on you.

[surfhb]

You've got some serious issues. You're controlling and manipulative. You isolate her and invade her privacy left and right. You need help.

Thats a little harsh. Granted you invaded her privacy....asshole LOL

Id say youre dealing with a typical 21 year old girl. Nothing here seems too out of the ordinary. Id say take a break and find someone else to hang with and work on your issues and find out who you are

BTW dude....youre only 24. why do you feel you need to settle down with someone? Just be aware....your 30s is your prime! OK? think about settling down then ....jeesh!

[Gratedwasabi]

Wait, can you describe the penis to me? I think it might be mine..

[IncognitoSir]

Damn, since when did people on here become such D!cks? Anyway, yeah it was wrong for you to invade her privacy but the bottom line is their is NO trust between you guys. You've admitted to having codependency issues and that's a problem you need to deal with. Also, this trust issue you have from the previous relationship, it can not have bearing on other relationships and if it does, it means you have failed to deal with it properly. It would be very difficult to repair the damage between the two of you thus far. I think you guys need a lot of time apart to deal with your own personal problems. She is obviously a liar, and the fact that she tells these white lies means she must being telling lies all the time. You have to realize, she can't and shouldn't be the source of your happiness, go find ways to make yourself happy and deal with your trust issues for you get into another relationship or try with her again. I think you know this relationship is over though.

[Trayson]

Excuse me but you have very low self worth and co-dependency issues. You don't even like this woman and you don't trust her as far as you can throw her.. You'll torment each other to distraction. Yet, you wonder if you should stay with her because you think: "you are a "better person when you're with her and you'll be lonely without her"... What, say what? Really... a "better person" does not behave the way you've behaved.

If one doesn't trust his partner then his "investment" is not bringing in a return and it's time for him to man up and diversify. Get the ballzzz to leave this person you do not trust (wtf is wrong with her that she hasn't fled you yet, is another story) and quit setting her up to lie because you have no boundaries and you keep snooping like a creep. My ass would be on fire I'd be fleeing from you so fast. Dick shot or no dick shot.

I don't know if she is having cyber sex with dudes but I do know that your picker is broke (who the hell is with a prostitute and doesn't know it until he snooped?) and you need some help with your own fear of abandonment and trust issues. Depart and work on you.

I believe I am entitled to defend myself in response to your post. First off. I by no means invaded her privacy. I was on her computer with absolutely no intention of "snooping like a creep" and when I said "NEVER let's me use her computer" refers to times when I have picked up her computer casually check email ect... and she would have made an excuse or reason for me not to use it, which essentially led me to that conclusion.

As far as working on myself, I absolutely agree. However I do work 50 - 60 plus hours and love my work, giving my little time to transit to my local Barnes & Noble Self Help section. That is why I posted on the site. I also posted not to be mocked or insulted but for constructive feedback. Thanks for your reply regardless.

[Gratedwasabi]

I believe I am entitled to defend myself in response to your post. First off. I by no means invaded her privacy. I was on her computer with absolutely no intention of "snooping like a creep" and when I said "NEVER let's me use her computer" refers to times when I have picked up her computer casually check email ect... and she would have made an excuse or reason for me not to use it, which essentially led me to that conclusion.

As far as working on myself, I absolutely agree. However I do work 50 - 60 plus hours and love my work, giving my little time to transit to my local Barnes & Noble Self Help section. That is why I posted on the site. I also posted not to be mocked or insulted but for constructive feedback. Thanks for your reply regardless.

Sorry, my response was a bit rude.. I was just kidding.

You are entirely unsatisfied with the relationship. You don't trust her, and for good reason, the sex isn't what you want, etc.. You need to ask yourself why you're at all interested in continuing it. How does she make you a better person? It sounds more like she makes you not as lonely, although also kind of neurotic.

You'd find someone else. Guarantee it. So scratch off lonely from your pros and cons and then decide based on what's left.

[surfhb]

Hey...I put a smiley and a "LOL" on the Asshole comment so Im off the hook.


Sorry regardless

[Trayson]

Truly I do appreciate all the feedback, as forward and somewhat rude some may be. I am not entirely unsatisfied in the relationship just unhappy with it's situation right now. I think I may have expressed myself incorrectly in my first post... I was writing mostly entirely about the negative things and not the good. She is a very nurturing, kind and enthusiastically passionate about life and can be fun to be with.

One poster said I isolate her and described me and controlling and manipulative. Could you please elaborate? I've had friends that have scrutinized everything their girlfriends did, went through their text messages and even resorted to stalking and physically abusing them. That said I can confidently say I am not controlling . Maybe you interpreted my method of getting her to confess about the picture as manipulative and perhaps it was. I don't deny being a little neurotic.

As far as insecurities go. I have never accused her of cheating on me until last night.when we were living apart I had no issues or insecurities about her going out with her girlfriends clubbing and never asked questions. And yes I do have a fear if being alone. But who doesn't.

I think I have been an outstanding boyfriend to her. I have been the one that stayed home while she was abroad in Ireland and Florida and college. I have fully supported her in all her endeavors emotionally and financially.

Oh yes, and the sex. We have an outstanding sex life. I only mentioned the two weeks in Ireland that she didn't seem interested and woke to her masturbating.

In all I was just looking for logical responses reflected on experience thought and encouragement. For the posts that haven't been so constructive or just plain rude, are you like this to people's faces? Or do you just use the internet as a form of channeling your own relationship issues? still have taken all posts into retrospect.

Thanks

Anonymous male

[Trayson]

Hey...I put a smiley and a "LOL" on the Asshole comment so Im off the hook.


Sorry regardless

No your post was great I really appreciate it. Thanks!

[Gratedwasabi]

Well, the penis thing is really troubling. She just accidentally clicked on the link... then accepted the download.... then didn't delete it? What? That's bizarre. I'd be beyond concerned.

[Trayson]

Well, the penis thing is really troubling. She just accidentally clicked on the link... then accepted the download.... then didn't delete it? What? That's bizarre. I'd be beyond concerned.

I don't know it was an excellent looking penis... Perhaps it was yours?