Dealing with Angry/Sad Boyfriend?

[ChristinaNicole]

My boyfriend often talks about his past and family life and it wasn't very happy. He tells me memories of when his dad would beat him and his mom, and crazy sh*t his mom did to him as well...he just generally had a very rough and violent family life growing up. I guess he's still affected by it (he's only 18 so he hasn't been an adult very long). He's been through a lot.

When he tells me things like that, I'm not sure how to respond. I usually just listen and say "oh" or "I'm sorry" or something and hold him...I just don't know what to say though. I feel terrible about how inadequate my responses are sometimes, but I'm usually just at a loss for words...I feel like I'm supposed to make it all better since he's confiding all of this to me, and I can tell he gets very emotional (usually either very angry or very sad, depending on the subject) when he talks about it so it must not be easy for him...but I just don't know what to do or say.

What am I supposed to do/say? I don't know how to deal with all the sadness and anger he's carrying. I haven't been through it, but I try to relate to and understand it as best as I can. I grew up very sheltered by my parents/family and he grew up in a very rough situation, so I guess I just don't know what to say. I still don't know the right things to say or do, though. He's really only my second boyfriend and my first boyfriend never had problems like he had. So I'm just asking all of you more experienced people what's the best way to console someone when they're down like that...I'd like to do a better job of it.

[bcgirl]

You aren't his therapist. Perhaps what you can say is he needs to seek out professional help so he can cope with his past. Also keep in mind that will all the pain and his anger that he is holding, one day down the road this will cause strain on your relationship if he doesn't deal with it properly.

[ChristinaNicole]

You aren't his therapist. Perhaps what you can say is he needs to seek out professional help so he can cope with his past. Also keep in mind that will all the pain and his anger that he is holding, one day down the road this will cause strain on your relationship if he doesn't deal with it properly.

Maybe, but I know he wouldn't be willing to do any kind of therapy. He had one at one point in his life and he hated it.

[bcgirl]

^ so he had one bad experience, he needs to get over that. Him going forward with life not dealing with it is worse. If he is not willing to face his past, then there isn't anything u can do. Just beware.

[dem862]

Well, he is working through it by talking about it. But as bcgirl said you are not his therapist. This is taking a stressful toll on you as you already know. It is difficult being in a relationshp with someone with a traumatic past. You will have to decide if it is worth it for you. You are young and it probably doesn't take up a lot of time right now, and happy times together may outweigh those sad moments. When the balance tilts you will get fed up and tired of hearing it and dealing with it. This is why professional counselors are paid to listen and help people work through trauma. Try to distance yourself from this behavior and have him concentrate more on the present and future. You could just tell him you don't know what to say, or you are uncomfortable talking about that, or talking about that makes you feel sad. But you don't have take responsibility for dealing with his unhappy past.

[bcgirl]

^ yea, simply start by being honest. U are not comfortable talking about it because u don't know what to say because its a totally different experience for u and therefore would rather not due to making u uncomfortable. Done. He should understand and respect that.

[Ladybuggg]

you r doing your best. its okay. but he need to go to a therapist so he can get real help.

[HeartIsAching]

Well, he is working through it by talking about it.

No he isn't.

OP, is he seeing a therapist? If not, you need to walk away - I can damn near guarantee you that HE will perpetuate the abusive behavior. Starting with you.

[iamaninnocentma]

No he isn't.

OP, is he seeing a therapist? If not, you need to walk away - I can damn near guarantee you that HE will perpetuate the abusive behavior. Starting with you.

HIA is right, and he should know. He used to be a wife beating ex-con. Now he just talks pish on the interweb.

[Love'sReject]

HIA is right, and he should know. He used to be a wife beating ex-con. Now he just talks pish on the interweb.

Are you sure you're not confusing that with the sordid details of your pathetic life? I think this is a clear case of mistaken identity.

[ChristinaNicole]

No he isn't.

OP, is he seeing a therapist? If not, you need to walk away - I can damn near guarantee you that HE will perpetuate the abusive behavior. Starting with you.

No, he's not seeing a therapist right now. But he's never done anything to me. I doubt he'll do anything his father did...he seems to despise him too much to imitate him.

I was asking more about what I could do to better comfort him without a therapist, since I know he'll never agree to see one. Or at least good responses to morbid/violent memory stories. I hate that I'm always at a loss for words and I feel like he's expecting me to say something or relate to it. But all that comes out is "oh", and then I give him a long hug or hold his hand but that's all I've ever got to say.

[HeartIsAching]

No, he's not seeing a therapist right now. But he's never done anything to me. I doubt he'll do anything his father did...he seems to despise him too much to imitate him.

I was asking more about what I could do to better comfort him without a therapist, since I know he'll never agree to see one. Or at least good responses to morbid/violent memory stories. I hate that I'm always at a loss for words and I feel like he's expecting me to say something or relate to it. But all that comes out is "oh", and then I give him a long hug or hold his hand but that's all I've ever got to say.

You're fooling yourself.

[sadie_genie]

Tell this pussy to man up.

[searock]

You're fooling yourself.

So you think that even though he despises his father for what he did, he will imitate him anyway at some point?

OP, I think what you do already (listening and being there for him) is enough, so you have no reason to feel inadequate. As others said, you are not his therapist (which he needs by the way). You aren't responsible for the way he feels.

[HeartIsAching]

Yes.

We learn relationships from what we observe as children. Abused children grow up to be abusers. It's not an accident that all of the people in my domestic violence group therapy were abused as children. It's also why they tend to end up in relationships with abusive people. I LOATHE my mother, and for a long long time I wasn't much different from her. I knew what I hated, but didn't know how to do or be otherwise.

My classes saved my life, and I'm glad I got arrested.