I feel mad at myself for talking to my abusive ex

[DepressedSad]

He treats me so horribly. but I'm still in love with him. All of last week, I had like a nervous breakdown. I don't even know if I am recovered now.. but I've been depressed since November, and just felt so unstable, unable to be truly happy and relaxed.

It's like when I don't talk to him, I feel numb and emotionaless and have the worst anxiety attacks. I feel so trapped. I can't seem to be happy (even a little bit) without him in my life, because that's how empty I am, no other friends, no one to talk to... I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to go back into having more nervous breakdowns.. but the lonleliness and panic from that doesn't seem to go away, and I don't see how it can until I find a new love.

I feel trapped with this guy. My choice is either talk to him, or have terrible, overwhelming anxiety I can't control.. I crave having the love returned, and I know it won't be.. but knowing it doesn't seem to be enough..

[bearz]

Did you seek out professional help yet? What about family? Anyone you can turn to in that area? I assume you don't live with him anymore?

[DepressedSad]

Thanks for the response, yes, I have sought professional help, I take anxiety medication and everything, even went to therapy once, but still, my anxiety has come back. I don't live with him, nope, it's been a long distance, online thing.. which makes it even worse..

[Woods]

You're answer to this isn't him, and nor is it another 'love'. Although with low self esteem it may feel that is the only way forward. The only way to get out of this cycle is to fix yourself. Have you spoken to a professional about the way you feel?

[Woods]

Just saw your response. Medication won't address the root cause which may be why you're still struggling. You've done well to seek help but one session of therapy isn't enough. Is there a reason you haven't continued the therapy?

[bearz]

I think the first thing you should do is break off all contact with him. I read your first post from December and it really sounds like that there is no reason why you should let him mess with your head any longer. Block him, ignore him, do whatever you have to do to not hear from him again. You will get over him, but it will take time. In the meantime, try to focus on your own life. Education, job, going to the gym, family, hobbies, going out and meeting new people, etc. If you are close with your family, spend some time with them. Just try to keep yourself busy so you don't have to think about it too much.

[DepressedSad]

Just saw your response. Medication won't address the root cause which may be why you're still struggling. You've done well to seek help but one session of therapy isn't enough. Is there a reason you haven't continued the therapy?

Hi, sorry for the late reply. Well, I don't have the money for more therapy, I didn't honestly feel like the therapist I saw was very good either..she made me feel awkward..

[DepressedSad]

I think the first thing you should do is break off all contact with him. I read your first post from December and it really sounds like that there is no reason why you should let him mess with your head any longer. Block him, ignore him, do whatever you have to do to not hear from him again. You will get over him, but it will take time. In the meantime, try to focus on your own life. Education, job, going to the gym, family, hobbies, going out and meeting new people, etc. If you are close with your family, spend some time with them. Just try to keep yourself busy so you don't have to think about it too much.

Thanks, I'm touched you remembered my post and researched my issue. I'm finally starting to realize this is what I have to do.. I mean, my anxiety has been terrible in the last 2 weeks and I'm just done with it.

[Wakeup]

You're addicted to him. The pain when he doesn't give you what you want until it hurts so much and then he comes back (emotionally/physically) and alleviates what he's caused. The bad becomes unbearable and then he gives you a hit of your drug (him) and you feel all better... until he leaves and you go through withdrawl and then he comes back and gives you another hit of your drug of choice again (him).

If you can't rehab by yourself and you can' affort personal therapy, then I highly recommend that you seek out a Codependency Anonymous Group near you and join. (google for a chapter near you) If there isn't one near you then consider going to a Ala-non meeting and speaking to the group about codependency.

You crave your drug so badly that you're going through serious withdrawl. The people in your group will help to explain to you why you fell into addiction (not love) with a sociopath and the "come-here-go-away" kind of drama that fuels you and makes you feel alive... until it doesn't, and then does and then doesn't.

Get help for yourself and be strong in the no contact. You can't clear your system of your drug if you keep taking it.

To add: You might want to go back to your family doctor and ask for a mild anti-anxiety med instead of an anti-depressant. I think it will help you through this better than AD's. Talk to him about it anyway and get his professional opinion. Tell him about your anxiety.

Further add:

but the lonleliness and panic from that doesn't seem to go away, and I don't see how it can until I find a new love.

You're not going to pick anyone better than the last abuser/sociopath if you get into any other relationship right now. Work on getting yourself back to being able to cope with everyday life before even thinking about being with another man. You don't want to go through all this again down the road when you end up picking the same kind of guy due to your codependency issues.

Have you tried talking to an abused women's hot line or forum to get some further support and guidance? Do you work, how do you cope with everyday life when you're in this state for so long?

[DepressedSad]

You're addicted to him. The pain when he doesn't give you what you want until it hurts so much and then he comes back (emotionally/physically) and alleviates what he's caused. The bad becomes unbearable and then he gives you a hit of your drug (him) and you feel all better... until he leaves and you go through withdrawl and then he comes back and gives you another hit of your drug of choice again (him).

If you can't rehab by yourself and you can' affort personal therapy, then I highly recommend that you seek out a Codependency Anonymous Group near you and join. (google for a chapter near you) If there isn't one near you then consider going to a Ala-non meeting and speaking to the group about codependency.

You crave your drug so badly that you're going through serious withdrawl. The people in your group will help to explain to you why you fell into addiction (not love) with a sociopath and the "come-here-go-away" kind of drama that fuels you and makes you feel alive... until it doesn't, and then does and then doesn't.

Get help for yourself and be strong in the no contact. You can't clear your system of your drug if you keep taking it.

To add: You might want to go back to your family doctor and ask for a mild anti-anxiety med instead of an anti-depressant. I think it will help you through this better than AD's. Talk to him about it anyway and get his professional opinion. Tell him about your anxiety.

Further add: You're not going to pick anyone better than the last abuser/sociopath if you get into any other relationship right now. Work on getting yourself back to being able to cope with everyday life before even thinking about being with another man. You don't want to go through all this again down the road when you end up picking the same kind of guy due to your codependency issues.

Have you tried talking to an abused women's hot line or forum to get some further support and guidance? Do you work, how do you cope with everyday life when you're in this state for so long?

Hello, thanks for the response, sorry for not getting back sooner. I realize definitely it's something I have to get away from. I've been trying really hard to make this move in the last week. That's exactly it, it's just a drug I guess. I'm unemployed, so that makes the stress of this like 50 thousand times worse! He's someone I met online, and I am socially isolated right now pretty much other than family, and I try to talk to other people on this website that I think AREN'T him, and I end up finding out they are. It's like I wanna just be happy talking to someone and make some friends. but he seems to be the only person who ever really talks to me.

How do I cope? Well, anti-depressants, I go on walks, exercise, apply for jobs.. but I am worried about my life as a whole right now, and at first, he was something that made me happy, but it was never right, I was willing to accept the bad stuff for the times he made me feel good.

I definitely after this experience know I need to stay away from guys like this. and I don't want to go back to him this time, I just wanna feel good without him.

I never asked my doctor for mild anti-anxiety medication, I do have Lorazapam but that is only for emergency attacks and can be habbit forming so, I really don't use it ever, like the last time was nearly 9 months ago.

I guess what's so awful about him is, when we're together, I can't help but want so many things with him, a relationship, marriage, a child all the things someone could want with someone they love. and those feelings are still there no matter how much I try to shove them down underneath all the terrible things he's done.

I don't know how I've managed to pick someone like this creep, but I don't want it to burden my life anymore.

[michelle23]

This is extreme low self esteem. Your dependent on him, you crave him even though you no hes bad for you. The first step is to accept its over and realize you deserve better.

Now you need to take it one day at a time. It will get easier. Try to stay busy, join some hobbies, make friends and save for a few mor sessions with a new therapist.

Well done for admitting you need help and for realizing hes no good for you. Now you just need to stay strong. Its for the best and you will see it that way soon xx

[DepressedSad]

thanks all. I am just trying to take it one day at a time. My anxiety is still pretty awful right now.