is it possible to have a platonic relationship with a crush?

[793058]

Hi,

I really like a girl who I’ve known for a few years but I know she doesn’t like me. She wants to be friends but I don’t know if I can cope with that.
We met at work and immediately got on. After a few weeks I asked if she’d like to meet outside work as friends. At the time I only wanted to be friends because we used to get on very, very well. We’d talk or text all the time and eventually I began to find that she was on my mind all the time.

I found myself warming to her and couldn’t stop thinking about her but I know that I don’t have a shot with her because every time she would talk to me about a guy she likes I’d realise I don’t have any of those qualities.

Now she’s found a guy who she might be getting married to and wants to stay in touch with me as a good friend after she gets married. We’d speak about whether we’d stay in touch after one of us got married and we both agreed that we would but now that it’s finally happening I don’t think I’d be able to be ‘just a friend’. On the other hand, I can’t picture my life without her. I find it hard to meet other girls because I keep comparing them to her and they never seem to stack up in one way or another. I really want her in my life in one way or another and I know she wants me in her life as a friend as well but I’m just not sure whether being her friend is a good idea for my love life. Sometimes I think I should end it with her because I’m always going to be wanting what I can’t have.

Should I continue talking to her or should I bite the bullet and break it off with her completely?

[michelle23]

bite the bullet and break it off with her completely

Do this. As long as your "friends" with her-your just holding yourself back from falling in love with someone who loves you back equally.

[793058]

I know this is the sensible thing to do but then a part of me keeps saying why can't things just be like they used to be when we'd talk for ages but I didn't feel anything for her? I keep stalling, hoping that I'll eventually get over her but the more time passes, the more doubtful I become. I just can't picture not having her around.

[michelle23]

But youll get over her if you stop spending time with her. Not straight away but in a few months. You need closure and you need to know its not going to happen and the only way to do that is to close the door. You need to say "even if she decides she wants to be with me-I am going to say no its too late now". That is the only way to move on from her and tell yourself its over.

There is no point wasting time on someone who doesnt want you. What do you want to be friends for? Why would you invest that time and energy in her when you could be out looking for a real girlfriend who wants to give you 100% of her and not just a small piece here and there.

Its all or nothing.

[smackie9]

It depends on your personality and how you normally handle situations like this. Some are obsessive and the crush continues for years, or you have others that move onto someone else to like or the crush eventually fades after a few months. Which type of person are you?

[VincenzoG91]

It's also possible for you to punch yourself in the groin. Repeatedly. But why would you want to do that? And why would you want to wallow in misery trying to be friends with your crush after she is married? There are so many other women out there, and you could find happiness if you go looking for it.

[793058]

I've known her for almost 2 years and have had a crush on her for slightly over 1 year. I wouldn't say I'm depressed. I've come to terms with the fact that I don't have a chance with her. As soon as I start to get over her, she asks to meet and then when I look at her and talk to her I'm reminded of why I liked her in the first place.

Michelle23 I like your suggestion about finding someone who will give me 100% of her rather than a small piece of her here and there. I should stop talking to her shouldn't I. It's so hard though. lol.

Just out of interest, has anyone ever had a completely platonic relationship even though there were some feelings involved?

[VincenzoG91]

Just out of interest, has anyone ever had a completely platonic relationship even though there were some feelings involved?

By definition, all of Plato's relationships were platonic.

[michelle23]

I think you already no the answer OP but your not ready to just do it and drop contact. Your just holding yourself back. Shes just one girl-dont take the rejection personally. Theres someone else out there for you-you just gotta find her but you wont be able to do that as long as you keep the attention whore around.

That is what she is by the way. She knows you like her, she likes the attention and thats why she wants to be your "friend" but she doesnt want you but probably doesnt want anyone else to have you either. Shes a waste of time and energy. If she was genuine she would tell you "we cant be friends coz you want more" that is the decent thing to do but instead she keeps popping up like a tornado to mess with you again each time you try to move on.

You should tell her straight-you dont want anymore friends-you want a gf and if she doesnt want that-fine but your moving on.

[smackie9]

If it's a no brainer to cut off most of your contact with her, why are you even searching for a better solution when you know there isn't one. It's pretty straight forward don't ya think?

[madotnw_nihs]

I think you can have a friendhship with someone that you "had" a crush on. You need to make sure you have moved on before continuing this friendship.

[Rowen]

Now she’s found a guy who she might be getting married to and wants to stay in touch with me as a good friend after she gets married.

Ah, I've been in your shoes before, except the guy I was pursuing only had a relationship- not a marriage. Anyway, you need to seriously ask yourself "Can I do this?" and be sure of the answer. Which ever way you go, it has to be right for you. You're the only one who can decide that for himself, OP.

Sometimes I think I should end it with her because I’m always going to be wanting what I can’t have.

Right now, you're stuck in limbo with your thoughts. I know it seems insane to be back and forth, but the best you can do is get a little distance till you've had time to think. Not to mention, it doesn't sound like you've given yourself time to lick your wounds from the way you're describing comparing her to other women. I've been there, and when you start to compare, it means that you're mentally not over the old person... When that happens, it doesn't create a good scenario for whoever you meet in the future. You may miss out on something better because you're focused on what you don't have. That's something you need to consider. Even if you remain friends with her, OP, you still need some time alone to heal.

Should I continue talking to her or should I bite the bullet and break it off with her completely?

Above, I know I mentioned that it's all what you need to decide, but I figured I'd tell you a story to try to give you a little food for thought. With the guy I was talking to, I fell for him really, really hard... We were insanely close for 8 months, even though we started out as being friends for 3 years prior. In the end, he got a boyfriend behind my back, and it felt like I was getting run over by a tractor trailer- especially when I kept seeing all their posts on Facebook. But we remained friends, and I have to say it still gets very trying sometimes when I think back on all the amazing memories I have with him and hear all about his boyfriend through photos and stuff. :S I don't think he'll ever understand how much he hurt me, and that's something you have to consider with her when you think about what's going on between you two. Think about how you feel...not about being loyal. If you choose to remain friends with her, I cannot promise that it will be easy. But you never know...

So, in short, I'm just asking you to gain some distance and seriously consider what feels right for your own feelings because some can handle being friends and some can't.
I hope this helps, even a tiny bit.

[searock]

What exactly do you mean by "platonic relationship"? Do you mean friendship, or emotional affair?

You can't be friends with a person you have a crush on. In order for friendship to be possible, there has to be no romantic feelings or even sexual attraction between the persons involved. So if by "platonic relationship" you mean "friendship", then no, you can't be friends with her.

You could have an emotional affair with her, IF she felt the same for you (and couldn't be with you for any reason). But the thing is, she does NOT feel the same about you. So you can't have an emotional affair with her.

What you can have is one of the following two:

a) you keep trying to be friends with her, which is painful and pointless and is not going to work (there will never be actual friendship between the two of you).

b) you can cut her off from your life and move on in a healthy way. I strongly suggest you do this.