New Here...Need Advice

[nelnelcoolj]

Hi Everyone. I'm a 39 year old husband. We've been married 11 years and have a 10 year old son. It hasn't been the best of marriages, but we are in better times.

Here's the issue...

For the last few years, my wife was a stay at home mom because of the downturn in the economy. She worked in retail before then. Last year she was able to get a job in the purchasing department of the office where I work, it's a public sector job. It was a great deal. We carpooled together. My son's school was only up the street from the office.

She started having issues with the people at work over this past year. She gets no support from her manager when she runs into trouble. Her co-workers are either lazy, rude and disrespectful or thinks they are indispensable. When other areas of the office come to her, they dump whatever issues it is at her desk even though she isn't responsible for it (for example, a technical question regarding the software she is using and needs to teach people to use was brought up, but the technician basically told her she wasn't working it correctly and dumped the issue on her and let her manager know...it was later discovered that the technician missed teaching her a step, but did not accept responsibility for her error).

She's at the point now where she's ready to leave. I don't blame her at all. It's shot her self esteem and self worth. She brings the stress home and is short with me and our son.

Last night snapped over something as meaningless as how she arranged my shirts in my drawer. I didn't realize that she arranged it a certain way to accommodate all of my shirts. She says she gets no appreciation at work, she'd at least like to get it from home. I don't mean to downplay it if it sounds that way. I love her with all that I am and I appreciated everything she does for me and my son, but I never noticed what she did with my shirts. For me it's part of the whole that is her and everything she does. It certainly doesn't mean I don't appreciate it.

Last year, I got a promotion which meant a bigger paycheck. With her working again, we're trying to catch up to late bills and such. I wish I could tell her to just quit, but I'm trying to be realistic and asked if she could hold on until she could find a job elsewhere so we're not holding the fort down with one income. But she's had it. She feels trapped.

She had a phone interview today, but she told me last night she doesn't want to do it anymore. It was her way out of here! I don't know if it was out of spite, I don't know if she still did the interview. She isn't talking to me. She blames me for not appreciating her. She blames me for our son not appreciating her. She blames me for getting her into the predicament she's in. She blames me for not helping her get out.

What can I do here? Where did I go wrong?! I'm confused and upset and am hoping someone can find me some clarity. Help!

[4 ratties]

She needs to get a new job if no boss at work is going to help her get everything sorted out. I am a very stressed, angry person at times because I have a VERY physically, emotionally, draining job as well where I am felt demeaned. I hate my job, so I can relate to her. I'm in the process of looking for something else.. it's really up to her to take charge of her life and do something about it. You, your son, and her are all suffering from this. She needs to fix it and do some soul searching to calm her anger. It sounds like she just wants to quit.. Just keep pushing and supporting her, even if she gets angry.

[nelnelcoolj]

It sounds like she just wants to quit.. Just keep pushing and supporting her, even if she gets angry.

I'm always going to be the supportive husband. That's just who I am. It just sucks that she puts all the blame on me.

I am very patient and understanding. But it seems like anything I say or don't say is wrong to her. She's very close minded and stubborn.

[TablesandChairs]

Do you help around the house? Or with your son? There's nothing worse than coming home from a stressful day and be expected to do all the housework, all the cleaning, the cooking etc. Try to be supportive through actions, not just words. Sometimes a helping hand is worth a lot more.

[basilandthyme]

I find it interesting that you don't know how to fit your own shirts into your drawer. It makes me wonder how much help you're giving at home. Can you tell us more about how you contribute to the running of the house and to raising your son?

How many hours per week do you do paid work? And how many paid hours per week does your wife do?

[JadenMia]

Sometimes it's the little things that mean the most for me.
After coming home from a long day at work (my job is very physically demanding) il get right to getting my daughter fed and bathed and clean up etc. when my boyfriend stops me and tells me not to worry about it and that he can do it. I feel so much more appreciated than when he doesn't help.
Sometimes just little things like the dishes, or taking the garbage out or even reading my daughter a bedtime story can feel like a huge help for me.
Being supportive helps, but actually getting up and helping her job easier makes all the difference.
She should definitely start looking for a new job, I always say if you start to take the stress from work, home with you, it's time to move on.
It would be nice to tell her to just quit, but life isn't always that easy.

[michelle23]

I know how hard it is to work full time and then have to go home and cook and clean and do laundry. I did two hours cleaning at home yesterday after work (and that was just downstairs) and then I had to walk the dog for 30 minutes and then I had to start dinner and then I hung up washing, folded and put away clothes. Its not easy. My bf job is more physically draining than mine and he works longer hours so I do a lot more around the house and sometimes I do feel a little overwhelmed. But when he is off, he will clean the garden, cut the grass, hoover the landing upstairs, change the sheets on the bed, clean the toilets. We both contribute and he cooked me dinner the other night.

Perhaps now with your wife working, you need to contribute more at home. Perhaps you don't realize how much work is involved in running a home and looking after a child. Maybe allow her to put her feet up when she comes home tonight and order a takeaway if you don't want to cook and ask her is there anything that needs to be done (cleaning, laundry) she will appreciate it.

Your son is ten now so it would also be a good idea to give him a few little chores. Nothing major, but he could set the table before dinner or clean out the dishwasher and clean his own bedroom or even do a little dusting once a week for some pocket money.

Your wife is stressed, don't take it personally. She likely doesn't mean the things she says. She has been out of work for a long time and it can be very hard to adapt.. My mum lost her job in office admin and now she works 3 shifts in mcdonalds. She loves it, she has made so many new friends and enjoys work nights out etc. Your wife may be happier somewhere like that where there isn't much stress or pressure and team work is a part of the workplace culture

[michelle23]

I will just add that even when my mum isnt working her life is still busy busy. Brings my sister to school, collects her, does homework, spends time with her, she works part time, cooks, cleans, does laundry, does all the grocery and clothes shopping, calls to her mum nearly every day, brings her to the doctor, collects her medication (she has bipolar disorder), she takes her nieces for a few hours at least once a week, invites family for dinner at least twice a week, walks the dog, if anyone needs to be collected or dropped anywhere she will do it.

Her life is hectic and I know if she was working full time she would be overwhelmed. She also called to my Granddad every day and cooked him dinners before he passed away.

[nelnelcoolj]

Do you help around the house? Or with your son? There's nothing worse than coming home from a stressful day and be expected to do all the housework, all the cleaning, the cooking etc. Try to be supportive through actions, not just words. Sometimes a helping hand is worth a lot more.

I'm a very hands on father with my son. Anything he wants and needs of me I am there. As for around the house, we are a team. We don't have a his and hers kind of job thing. She does take ownership of the laundry because she actually likes doing it, where I do the garbage because it's the "dirty" job...I don't mind. Otherwise, we share the work. I am the cook in the house, so it's every so often she does the cooking.

Today is day 2 of the silent treatment from her.

Also, it doesn't help my situation that I'm on some medication right now for my diabetes that's really doing a number on me. It's making me nauseous and giving me cramps.

[nelnelcoolj]

I find it interesting that you don't know how to fit your own shirts into your drawer. It makes me wonder how much help you're giving at home. Can you tell us more about how you contribute to the running of the house and to raising your son?

How many hours per week do you do paid work? And how many paid hours per week does your wife do?

Strange that you may ask that because before this, she did the laundry and I put things away and they seem to fit in my drawers fine. We share the housework at home. There is no true divide other than the fact that she does the laundry because she likes to do it, not because it's her job per se. At the same time, I'm the cook of the family so dinners, lunches for work, and quick breakfasts during school days are all mine...I enjoy doing that. The rest of the housework we do equally. Even my 10 year old contributes what he can (putting away dishes, cleaning his room, helping me with the yard, the dog, etc.).

As previously mentioned, I'm very active in my son's live. I have been since the day he was born. From diaper duty and rocking him to sleep in the evenings when he was a baby, to homework help, playing PS3 with him, picking him up from daycare when he was still in daycare and taking him to karate class today, to just throwing the ball around for an hour. I'm there. Always have been. Always will be. My philosophy for being a father is that I am not raising a boy. I'm raising a man that society would be proud to have and a woman would be proud to call her husband.

We both work 40 hour days for the same office in different departments. She rides with me to work and back.

It kind of makes me sad to think that in this day and age, it's assumed that men don't contribute enough to the upkeep of a home and to the care of their children.

[michelle23]

Okay great. You sound like a fantastic husband

So the issue here is she feels unappreciated right?

Why don't you plan something for tomorrow night? Surprise her. A nice romantic gesture and ask your son to make her a card to tell her how much he loves her. You could also both bring her breakfast in bed tomorrow and make little faces out of toast with cheer up mommy written under it..

[nelnelcoolj]

Sometimes it's the little things that mean the most for me.
After coming home from a long day at work (my job is very physically demanding) il get right to getting my daughter fed and bathed and clean up etc. when my boyfriend stops me and tells me not to worry about it and that he can do it. I feel so much more appreciated than when he doesn't help.
Sometimes just little things like the dishes, or taking the garbage out or even reading my daughter a bedtime story can feel like a huge help for me.
Being supportive helps, but actually getting up and helping her job easier makes all the difference.
She should definitely start looking for a new job, I always say if you start to take the stress from work, home with you, it's time to move on.
It would be nice to tell her to just quit, but life isn't always that easy.

Hi JadenMia -

The funny thing is, even with working the same 40 hour days, I already do those things. I'm the family cook, so I manage the kitchen. I handle the garbage. I'm always at her beckoned call when she needs help with anything. I'm a very hands-on father. I'm in charge of tuck-ins and bedtime stories. We throw the ball around when he wants to. Play PS3 when he wants to. I'm the go-to parent for homework help. I do so much for my family and I don't expect any gratitude in return because everything I do I do it for them. So to hear her say she thinks I don't appreciate her really sucks. She contributes equally to this family. She is in charge of our laundry because she told me when we got married that she actually likes doing it. Over the last 11 years, it's proven that she does like doing the laundry. So I leave that to her. However, we live such busy lives that I can't notice everything she does for the family. I appreciate it, but to notice that suddenly my shirts are now arranged differently so as to fit better in my drawer? If I really had nothing to do, I would probably notice it. But to work 40 hour days, take my son to his activities, get home late and get dinner on the table and the family reset for the next day and then notice the little things? Wow. I take the time each morning to make sure we both have a good lunch for the workday. Do I get any appreciation for that? No, but I don't expect it either. I do it because I love her and it's one thing she doesn't need to worry about...she can bank on having a good lunch that day because I "hooked it up".

[nelnelcoolj]

Okay great. You sound like a fantastic husband

So the issue here is she feels unappreciated right?

Why don't you plan something for tomorrow night? Surprise her. A nice romantic gesture and ask your son to make her a card to tell her how much he loves her. You could also both bring her breakfast in bed tomorrow and make little faces out of toast with cheer up mommy written under it..

Thanks, Michelle!

It really stems from what she's been dealing with at work. She doesn't want to be there anymore and I understand that. I know it sounds like an a-hole thing to say but I've been asking her to just hold tight until she finds something else. Not because I want her to stay, but because financially it's going to be very difficult for us. It sucks. I know it sucks. I wish I could tell her to stop working altogether, but I can't.

You know, I do those little things all the time. Sometimes it's just to bring a smile to her face. Right now though...we're on day two of the silent treatment. I don't know if a romantic gesture is the appropriate move to make right now.

It's strange not getting anything out of her. But, I'm patient. I also believe in a higher power who will help us straighten things out.

[michelle23]

She is feeling resentful because she doesn't like her job and probably blames you that she had to go back to work. If you cannot resolve this together and find a compromise that you are both happy with, then marriage counselling may help. First sit down and talk properly about it all and if that doesn't help the situation then tell her this is really upsetting you and you fear your marriage is in trouble if you cant fix it

Ill add that many wives go back to work when their children reach a certain age. It is totally normal and I dont think you are asking for too much. Is there any way she could do 3 or 4 days, instead of 5. It may help

[nelnelcoolj]

She is feeling resentful because she doesn't like her job and probably blames you that she had to go back to work. If you cannot resolve this together and find a compromise that you are both happy with, then marriage counselling may help. First sit down and talk properly about it all and if that doesn't help the situation then tell her this is really upsetting you and you fear your marriage is in trouble if you cant fix it

Ill add that many wives go back to work when their children reach a certain age. It is totally normal and I dont think you are asking for too much. Is there any way she could do 3 or 4 days, instead of 5. It may help

At this point, I want her out as much as she wants out. For her sanity and peace of mind. I could care less where she works so long as she's out of here and happy and we have some kind of fall back financially. I've told her even part-time work is fine.

It just sucks that her resentment is on me, the one person that knows and supports her the most and understands her best.