Is he over his ex?

**totalconfusion** · 13-11-13, 11:20 AM

I'll try to keep this as short as possible!
I've been dating this guy who is 33 and I'm 27... We started dating 9 months ago and have been 'official' for 4 months. From the beginning he did all the chasing. It took me a WHILE to get over my ex, so I really wasn't super thrilled to jump into something with someone who seemed so eager. Anyway, on our 3rd date he brought up the fact that he and his ex are still friends and talk a lot...hang in the same circles...even work together. I thought, GREAT! I love that he's on good terms with her! That's when the other information started trickling in.

They were together 5 years, he moved across the country for her. Anyway, he broke up with her about 8 months before we started dating. They had 3 months of not talking and then she wanted to be friends again. I was a total creep and looked at their messages from after the breakup (which he still has saved) and she basically was begging for him back. And would periodically, in between daily 'friendly' texts, ask him if he thought they could ever get back together and told him that even though she's seeing someone new (currently her boyfriend) she still wants to be with him. He did not reciprocate and took it back to friendly convo or said he had to go. Side note, he just recently took the photos of her off his walls. I did not ask him to do so and was VERY relieved.

Here's the thing, he is absolutely amazing with me in every way, tries to spend every second with me, talks to me, just said he loved me etc etc. HOWEVER, I told him on 3 different occasions that if he couldn't slow things down with her (private lunches, talking on the phone 3/4 times a week, meeting up with other friends when she was there and not inviting me) that I didn't want to carry on. He made it clear that if I made him choose, I was out because she is his friend and that won't change. He did, however, agree to talk with her less and be less intimate. That hasn't stopped him from following her every move on line, liking almost all of her photos on instagram, talking about inside jokes on twitter...etc.

Fast forward to 2 months ago when I found out he had been planning a trip to ANOTHER COUNTRY with her, her boyfriend (some relief there), her brother and his best friend. I was not invited because I hadn't made any effort to get along with her. WHAT??? They are currently in another country together and I'm going crazy.

I don't know what to do. I've never considered myself to be the jealous/possessive type but I feel absolutely crazy about all this and need advice.

**Maple1714** · 13-11-13, 11:29 AM

If you are not comfortable with his close relationship with his ex, have communicated this to him and nothing has really changed....cut him loose until something does change. Seems like the ball is in your court. If his relationship with her is making you feel jealous/possessive it might be time to cool things off for a while. You don't have to ask him to choose...just be honest and tell him how it all makes you feel. Then back away for a while. If he is really in love with you, he will come for you.

**totalconfusion** · 13-11-13, 11:32 AM

By "back away" do you mean explain everything and then go invisible? How do I do that gracefully? I'm terrible with gray areas, apparently! So far, your advice sounds very good.

**DalM0m** · 13-11-13, 11:34 AM

That would be too close for comfort for my tastes.

**Maple1714** · 13-11-13, 11:49 AM

Yes, I mean you should tell him how you feel. Just be honest. Tell him what you wrote above. Don't argue...place blame...ask him to choose, etc. Just tell him you are uncomfortable with the situation, which is fine. However you feel is fine. Then, don't contact him for a while and see how he responds. I am not saying ignore him, just don't contact him or make plans...let him make you feel more comfortable before you take the relationship any further. Let him make the choice btw. his relationship with you and his friendship with her...without you giving him an ultimatum.

Everyone is different. I have an ex (it's been almost 6 years since we split) who I didn't have a prob. being friends with. I have zero romantic feelings for him. We talked/saw each other twice I think as friends a while back. As soon as his GF, now wife, got wind of us communicating she put a stop to that. She told him he was not allowed to be my friend b/c it made her feel insecure. I respected that and didn't contact him again. It sucks b/c we see each other at mutual friends gatherings...kids bday parties, weddings etc. His now wife wont even make eye contact with me ever! She is a bit ridiculous, but whatever. The point is, he made the choice to respect her insecurities and now they are married and everyone is happy. Speak your mind...take a stand. On the other hand, I have another ex who I see too and we are still friends. His new GF didn't care at all...no one cared and we all hang out just fine together. Everyone is different....

**totalconfusion** · 13-11-13, 12:20 PM

I asked politely if I could have her number or if he could let her know I'd love to try to connect...said I'd like to take her out to lunch/drinks and be friendly. He said she wasn't comfortable with it but would go on a double date some time. That was almost 2 months ago...

I really appreciate your advice and will definitely try that as soon as he gets back. I leave a week after he returns. Do you think I should do it before I leave or once I return?

**Maple1714** · 13-11-13, 02:08 PM

Asking for her # is a little strange to me. You don't have to be her best friend. He should always include you when he hangs out with her, in my opinion.

I think you should talk to him before you leave, as long as the convo wont upset your trip.

**smackie9** · 13-11-13, 02:35 PM

omg why do you even put up with this? Seriously? Dump this guy, he's disrespecting you and your relationship. The deal about the trip....that would be enough for me to walk away.

**totalconfusion** · 13-11-13, 02:40 PM

I agree, mostly. Unfortunately, it's easier said than done. He has all the other qualities I'm looking for. Don't you think it's best to at least try having one last conversation about it with him? Also, I've been talking to him regularly while he's been gone but I started not responding yesterday. As mean as it sounds, I don't think he should have his cake and eat it too.

I obviously have no clue what to do in this situation but breaking it off right now doesn't feel right if you know what I mean.

**smackie9** · 13-11-13, 02:49 PM

It's too early in your relaionship for him to give a rat's ass about you, you know what I mean? He's planning a trip without you because she's there....and he already told you if you make him chose you are out the door. Doesn't that tell you how he actually feels about you?

**Maple1714** · 13-11-13, 03:07 PM

The whole not inviting you on the trip thing is pretty mean and disrespectful. Just speak your peace when he gets back and be done until he proves to you that he is ready for a real relationship.

Personally, I tend to be a little loose when is comes to relationship boundaries. I don't know why...I just am. No cheating, but I just try and give people the benefit of the doubt and assume their actions are not out of malice. But, lines eventually have to be drawn. If you feel upset about something, speak your mind and if nothing changes...it's time to move on. You should come first over his ex.

**basilandthyme** · 13-11-13, 03:19 PM

Originally Posted by totalconfusion

Don't you think it's best to at least try having one last conversation about it with him?

What is there to talk about? He's already made it clear that he'll choose his friendship with her over you....I can't see that one more conversation will change his mind.

It's time accept that he's showing you who he is and what he believes. You can't change him.

**michelle23** · 13-11-13, 06:21 PM

What is wrong with you? Just dump him ffs. 9 months is nothing to cry about and hes already chosen her over you. Your being a moron! And your allowing a guy to tell you what you should or shouldnt be comfortable with. Your not comfortable with her being a part of his life, you never will be. Its that simple and no guy is worth all this stress, drama and BS. Find a guy who has no emotional attachment to any other woman apart from his relatives. There the only ones you can fully trust-apart from the players. You set your own boundaries and dealbreakers as well as your own standards and right now your letting him walk all over you. Have you ever act met her? How do you no she still has a bf? How do you no shes not his bit on the side? Your being stupid

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**TablesandChairs** · 14-11-13, 04:10 AM

Has this guy convinced you that you're the one being unreasonable? If so - good for him, he's got some skills.

Do you know how many woman I know who would be okay with this? None. I'm not saying he should drop her like a dead fish if she's a genuine friend, but going on holiday with her and not inviting you because SHE wouldn't be cool with that - that's overstepping things. I'm still friends with my ex - if he told me he wasn't cool with my partner going on holiday with us or anything like that, I'd say 'tough'.

Nonetheless, open the lines of communication. Explain that you don't expect him to drop her, but you expect to be a priority. If he can't manage that, then he should go back to her.

**HDBadger** · 14-11-13, 04:41 AM

You have no right to tell him who he can or can't be friends with and what he can or can't do.

Similarly, he has no business telling you what you should or shouldn't be comfortable with.

It just sounds like you two don't see eye to eye. I don't see any way around a breakup unless one of you has a massive change of heart.

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