She's so guilty about her ex...

[Danny_B]

Mmmkay, I'm in a situation I've never really been in b4 and I have no idea what to do or how to go about doing something if I did know what to do!

I'm 22 and have had a fair share of relations both long and short and I generally think I'm experienced in this kinda thing!

So I met this beautiful girl, Claire (21), one night in a nightclub and we kinda got it on that night (no sex tho) but she left pretty much straight away after. I had got to know some other girl, Ella, (just as friends) a few weeks b4 (that's why I was at the club) and soon found out that this beautiful girl was her housemate (sweet!). So then on the way home Ella told me that Claire actually had a 1.5 year long boyfriend who practically lived round thier house and she did 'that kind of thing' with guys in clubs all the time... which obviously wasn't good.

But then I kept on meeting this girl out and it wasn't long b4 we slept together and started hangin out a bit in the day and evenings etc. Whilst her housemates (there's 9 girls!) tried to warn me off her (bcos of her reputation) I, to be honest, was just overcome by the beauty of the girl and at the time felt I didn't really have anything to lose.

Then I got to know her and she is pretty much everything in a girl that I ever want! And she then broke up with her boyfriend, according to her bcos she had met me... So that's all good and at that point has now made me actually have something really special to lose! Which now makes me extremely vunarable - not good! Vunarable bcos, as we are not a couple, she can still do 'that kind of thing' with guys and she tends to get really drunk and although it hasn't happend since I can see it happening in the future... She's the jealous type and I can just see things flying out of proportion sooner or later (but hey that's a different story altogether!).

Right so sure I should ask her out... Well other than the fact it's just too soon for her to be involved with someone else after her past relationship, there is now the problem of her ex. He loves her, and I mean LOVES her and he is seriously a broken man. Claire made him leave his town and he lost a lot of friends by following her to this town and she feels really guilty as he is so lonely here now... So guilty that she sees him more than me and he stays over (yes in her bed) more than I do!

Yeah I know what ya thinkin but NO they're not still having sex! The guy knows about me and she tells him everything and he just kind of deals with it... just like I'm trying to deal with it... but I'm so confused! She told me the other day that she has to negotiate with him the times when she can see me??!!

At first I was okay about it, bcos, I've got further in this than anyone had ever thought I could. To b honest I thought the whole staying friends thing would fade away but it's been like a month now. I can see the disappointment when she has to leave me to see him yet she still does... I can see her hating her ex bcos of the demand he seems to have on her but I don't know how far into the future it's gonna be... I saw with my own eyes how her ex ruined her 21st bday by trying to get back with her (and I mean really trying) and she escaped to me that night saying how much she hated him... But the next day it was just the same old story...

She obviously likes the guy enough to hang with her which is fair enough, but is she goin about it in the right way? Obviously guilt is playing a huge part in this...

I just don't know what to do on my part... gettin pissed off to her about her ex ain't gonna do me any favours I know, just like if I try to ask her out... Things are goin okay but I'd still like to c her more and hopefully in the long run make her mine... This may sound like a waste of time but understand I really like the girl dispite these probs...

Sorry this is so long, but hey, any thoughts would b most appreciated!

[dazedandconfused]

oh man.....

i think you need to set the boundaries. it is obvious that boundaries have not been set between you three, that's right, three, and having another variable in your equation does not make it solvable! the only way to solve it is by extracting the variable from the equation. you have to have some spine and tell her: look, i really care about you and hope we can have something significant develop; but seeing a future together is very difficult when the past seems to constantly block your view. she has to make a decision, and it's not one her ex would like. by keeping him around she is not helping him get over her, she is just reinforcing his addiction. she needs to just let him go and have him move on. sometimes that takes some rather drastic measures, but in 99.9% of the time that's the only way. she has to cut off communication with him or at least limit their interaction to maybe a 20-second phone call in a couple hundred years.

i'd hate to be in your situation, cause i understand how you're afraid of ruining it all and can relate to that. you have to understand though that if she still has feelings for him, there is little you can do. you either have the chemistry (or the potential) or you don't. and by having her comfort him by literally letting him back in her bed she is not developing the potential. potential for you anyway. if she loves him, she will be thrilled by his undying love and reward him; if she doesn't she needs to know that she can't please everyone in the world without it backfiring.

so take a stand, man! don't wait until it's too late. and don't let your "happily ever after" be spoiled by memories of a rugged and worrysome beginning.

[sfalexi]

Is all this baggage really worth it?

I mean, girls themselves are a dime a dozen. And girls that fit your "perfect" girl are out there too. My guess is that because of her "beauty", you are easy to overlook certain qualities which aren't that of your 'perfect girl' and now you only see and recognize the good parts.

Would your perfect girl allow some ex boyfriend to sleep in her bed with her while dating you? And not having sex with him, well that's highly unlikely. I think ANY person would know that obviously letting a person sleep in your bed is NOT the best way to help him 'let go' of you.

[infamouseb]

She is way too much trouble. Tell her you need her to straighten her act up or else bye bye... In a nice way of course.

[Danny_B]

Thanks 4 ya replies! I had the feeling that I'd b told to sort it out and I do agree... it's just difficult to go about doing it...

I know in theory I can do better so that's not really a problem at this time. I kinda thought that I didn't really want any serious relationship right now, and I still feel like that, so in a way this is okay with me. It's just nice to feel that she's around and I don't want to lose that.

I'm sure her 'beauty' is playing a big part in this too and that really pisses me off! It's not like me to do that but she has a great personality too so...

Anyway, I'll get u up 2 date in tonights events...

So I haven't seen her for a few days (she went back home for a party over the weekend) and we kinda arranged to meet up 2night. So she text me yesterday saying she was lookin 4ward to seein me the next day (2day) so that was all good. Then I text her 2day suggesting to meet up 2night and she was like yeah she had a few things to do with uni but she should b able 2 c me this evening and she'd let me know... Yeah so she text me fairly late this evening stating she was stressed and had loadsa work to do (which is most prob true) and she couldn't meet up. So I was like 'ok well I'm off to the gym I can pop in on the way round' to a reply of 'sorry Nick (her EX) is over, i can see u in ya break 2morrow and 2morrow night (blah blah)'... I pretty much knew that the ex was over, thats why I text her saying I could pop in just to get it out of her. So obviously a little pissed off (not so bad, cos I'm that used to it) I went to the gym and recieved a message when I got out: 'hey how was the gym? soz cudn't c u 2nite. r u comin over in the day 2morrow?xx' ... And she sent that over 2 hours ago now...

How should I reply?? I'm fed up with being this sucker but I don't really want things to change (apart from the obvious ex thing). I always see her in my break but I just wanna say 'nah think I'll be 2 busy' and 'I have plans for 2morrow night too' (cos I could go and see some friends 2morrow night). That kind of message will b so blatently obvious though but I need to get the message through I aint no walk over. If I do I know I'll b well gutted 2morrow when the time comes round though! waa

I don't wanna play games really, but I just want her to start feeling that there is a chance she is losing me... maybe that'll sort her act out??

Help! I need to send this message quick, it's gone 10pm here in the UK...

[leight69]

how do i suggest you do it? the next time you talk/text her.........get to meeting up with her, right then and there...just insist you have to see her. then when you see her....dont beat around the bush for long, just break up with her. and when you do it...do hesistate...just do it. and dont look back... dont respond to her via text, just arrange to see her alone (however you can swing that) and get it over with.

good luck man

[sfalexi]

Ten bucks says that's not her ex but another guy she's going out with. And she's just playing the field with two people at once. Just like guys have a girlfriend and the girl who's just "a really good friend."

Alexi

[Danny_B]

Hey,

Nah I can guarantee there is no other guy, it's def the ex and how close they are now is anyones guess...

So I replied to that text this morning saying I had to sort loadsa stuff out so I wouldn't b able 2 c her for my break... I felt gutted as I sent it but hey I felt it needed to b done... and then guess what? She only came into my work... As we hadn't seen each other for a few days there was a lot to make small talk about and then she was like, "So you're busy for your break then?" to which I was like, "Err, yeah..." (I hadn't banked on seeing her so I had no idea of any excuses I could make) and she kinda questioned what I was doing instead and I was like, "Stuff..." Anyway it was blatently obvious I was lying and it was kinda awquard so I suggested that I may just have some time to come and see her and she was like, "Well u don't have to but it would b nice" so I was like, "Sure..."

So I went round and there was a little bit of general chat... then basically we ripped each others clothes off and hey u know the rest. Then I pretty much left to go back to work! And here I am now.

So it didn't really go as planned... What the plan was I don't know... to break up with her, I don't think so... to make her feel as though she can't play me as some kind of fool - well that certainly didn't come across now did it!

As much as I did want to chat about the situation it just didn't feel right once we'd just had sex! Plus I was pushed for time as it was... See, she is a little hard to resist...

At the end of the day I think she's just a temporary thing until I find someone who I can really trust so I guess I can't really complain... and I think that I'm the person she can escape to when her ex gets too much of her time and she needs a break from him. Weird I know.

[sfalexi]

At the end of the day I think she's just a temporary thing until I find someone who I can really trust so I guess I can't really complain... and I think that I'm the person she can escape to when her ex gets too much of her time and she needs a break from him. Weird I know.

As long as you realize that you're only the booty call and you're ok with that. Def not longterm relationship material from what I see posted here, but go ahead and have your fun. Just don't get attached.

Alexi