g/f gained 25 lbs. in past year...not attracted to her anymore - help...

[misterX]

i have been dating this girl for over a year, but in this past year (most notably in the last few months), she has gained at least 25 pounds. she now weighs way more than even I do and I am seriously not attracted to her anymore. its to the point where i wont even have sex with her anymore and now she is starting to wonder why. she keeps asking me why i dont want her in bed anymore, but i just dont have the heart to tell her. she is really emotional and i know she will start crying if i tell her. i have tried subtle hints like 'hey we should go on a gym date', but she always makes excuses not to go. she is a really nice girl and i dont want to dump her just because of this, but i dont know what to do since i am attracted to the way she used to look, not the way she looks now. before, she was just little overweight, but im not that shallow a guy so i didnt even care. but now its to the point where its just getting out of hand. so i would like to know should tell her what I really think? she is gonna eventually dump me or someting because i refuse to have sex with her now, so i done have much time left. oh and i posted this on another message board and the only responses i got were 'its whale harpooning time' and stuff like that so if you are going to respond with some lame-ass childish remark - save it, ive heard it 50 times already.

[TAVS]

Sorry; talk to her.

[Junket]

Honesty is best.

Why not tell her that you don't find her as attractive as you used to?

That's not being shallow, you need to have at least some physical attraction.

I like that you offered to start goin' to the gym with her, this way it shows that you're willing to put in the time and effort as well.

And hell, I'm sure it's not like you couldn't benefit from workin' out anyway.

Just don't bring this up when she wants to do the deed, that'll be like a double whammy for her.

[misterX]

Sorry; talk to her.

huh? what do i say? i was taught never to comment on a girl's weight

[Junket]

If you're still hesitant about bein' direct.

Tell her you're thinkin' about workin' out (if you don't already) and you'd like her to come with, as kind of support.

Plus exercise can be a good way to increase your libido.

Flexin' muscles, gettin' hot and sweaty, hell maybe you'll find yourself wantin' to put it to 'er anyway.

[thinker]

Well, first of all love should not be based on anything physical... you should love her for who she is...

Having said that, a big part of who a person is depends on health/hygeine/respect enough for your own body to keep healthy... If this is something that may be health-threatening or if its just a little extra chub that we all get at some point, I can't tell from the post... For me, overweigth people are not attractive not because of the sheer physical aspect, but the lack of self-respect and drive/discipline (of course, there are many illnesses out there that make this difficult to manage, and I am not vaguely stereotyping anyone here, just making a generalization.) However, if I were already in a relationship with someone (especially a longer one like a year) this would not be the case as I (assumedly) would have found enough about who she is to make me attracted to her, not just physically... In short, I'm saying that it sounds like your relationship is a bit shallow if it can completely turn around with 25 lbs... maybe it's YOU who needs to go to the "love gym" ( hehe) Physical attractiveness is mainly that; attraction. It draws you to certain people and away from others immediately; part of our human response. Then, we form a relationship with people and learn more about them and grow with them and learn to love them. Sounds like you are just there to get laid and now that shes not so hot anymore you want out. Which quite frankly disgusts me. Sex is an outward expression of an inner love and you clearly are not mature enough to be doing such acts as a silly thing like a few extra pounds after knowing this girl for over a year can force you to ask for help on an online message board... Please consider your motives and pick the log out of your eye before harping on the speck of dust in your girlfriend's...

Now, from another point of view... if this is a serious problem; i.e. obesity or real health risks, then you will be hurting her more by being nice and trying to protect her as she continues down this path than you would be if you just out and said it. What do you say? Well, assuming this is a loving relatoinship (which it does not sound like it is...) you would say something to the affect of: "Honey, listen. I don't know how to put this and I don't want to hurt you, but I need to be bluntly honest with you. I am really concerned about your weight and your health... I am afraid that I will lose you (eventually) to illness and that you will not be happy in life because of this. I am really worried about you, and want what is best for you. I have bought us both a month at the local gym; I will be going there these days at these times, and I would really like you to come with me." Something to that affect... or maybe no gym, just running/some other physical activity. Now, this is, again, based on the pretense that you are in a loving relationship and not just trying to get laid... which means I may have wasted my breath... Love would not sit idly by and watch someone you care about getting sick and unhealthy, nor would it hold the truth back in order to pacify things for the short term. So, what do you do? I say YOU should worry about YOU first; since it sounds like you are extremely shallow and only in this for some ass, noone deserves that, so please extricate yourself from any human contact until you can think with your head and heart instead of your little buddy down there. If I misread this and you ARE in love with this girl, then be honest with her and be THERE for her; making demands and quotas and using lots of "you" statements would be a bad idea... be there WITH her, not AT her; again, tell her you will be going out to do some activity; biking, running, whatever, and HELP her that way... sounds like you just want her to go and fix herself so you can stand to diddle her... anyways, please consider these things, and if all else fails, honest is always the best policy.

[Junket]

honest is always the best policy.

And so is being concise. hint hint

[vashti]

25 pounds in a few months is a very significant gain. Is there something going on with her medically? Has she had any life-changing events occcur in recent months? I think primarily, I would be concerned about her physical/mental health.

Assuming there is nothing wrong with her that normal people might look upon with compassion, I think it is NOT unreasonable to be alarmed by such a large weight gain in such a short amount of time. Men, unlike women, can't really fake sexual attraction, can they? I know it will be difficult, but you will have to tell her what the problem really is. There is no way to say it that will make her feel good about it, but do try to be as kind as you can.

[Ellynn]

Yeah there must be something going on that she gained that much weight in such a short time.

But, yes, be honest with her, but be nice about it.

Encourage activities that are more physical(besides sex) when the two of you get together. Take a long walk, work out together, go hiking, ride bikes, offer to help coach her when working out.

I had an ex who encouraged the same activities with me and I thought it was really sweet. I mean at least he offered to help me. Sometimes it takes some motivation.

Thats a lot better then blurting out that you think she's fat and don't find her physically attractive anymore.

Thinker is right in ways too. I know you have to be somewhat physically attracted to a person, but what about who she actually is? Her personality? Isn't that attractive to you?
Beauty fades. People change. No one is perfect forever. So maybe you should keep that in mind.

I think though that you can possibly help her by motivating her in a positive way. Also, be there to talk to find out whats going on that shes put on that amount of weight. Maybe she's under a great deal of stress and is turning to food for comfort. Maybe she does have an actual medical condition. Point is, be there for her emotionally and physically and at least try to work thru this.

It would be shallow of you if you didn't at least try.

[Gigabitch]

That much wieght gained so quickly could be a sign of depression. What could she possibly have to be depressed about?

[NeoSeminole]

breaking up with her due to her weight gain is not being shallow. Relationships are built on attraction, otherwise they would just be friendships. Your gf is not the same person that attracted you like she did when you two started dating. Unless she loses weight soon, the problem will only get worse. This is also a sign of things to come. She's already let her weight go b/c she became complacent with you. What else might she change in the future?

[lovesjoyajm]

It takes a long time to lose 25 pounds. Ask yourself - if you tell her about the problem, and she agrees to work on it, will you still want to be with her? If it's gonna take her months or longer to get down to her original weight, is that ok with you? Would you stay with her? If so, good. Tell her that you're concerned, try to help her out, and hopefully things will get better.
If not, then I have to reluctantly agree with Thinker - it seems like this is relationship is based on something shallower than real love. I don't really know how you'd tell her that, though...

[thinker]

And so is being concise. hint hint

Now, what on earth can that mean?

[lissa]

If a boyfriend told me he didn't think I was attractive anymore because I gained weight I would so angry and insulted and I don't know if I'd ever feel the same way towards him. Telling someone you're not attracted to them anymore and won't ever be unless they lose weight? That's totally rude and youre putting her in a position where you are forcing her to lose weight in order to stay with you. Way to make her feel totally insecure about herself.

Honesty is good, but you wouldn't walk up to someone and tell them their ugly because you believe in being honest, would you? Honesty is NOT always the best policy.

Here's what you do - if she brings it up you can encourage her to work out and eat healthy. Tell her that you've been thinking of going to the gym more or cutting back on junk food because YOU feel like you've gained weight and want to get in shape. If you really love her than you will be willing to put up with her weight gain. If it bothers you, you can gently nudge her, but telling her that you aren't attracted to her anymore cause she's fat is just messed up.

[Ellynn]

Yeah, if you tell her outright that shes fat and you don't find her attractive anymore, trust me, it will damage any hope of a future relatonship together. No matter what you do and even if she DOES lose weight for herself, she will always have that in the back of her mind. Therefore she will feel insecure whenever she is with you.

So, be nice about it please.