lost my heart

[lostonherwords]

Hey people...

Im a 23 year old guy, i live in Vancouver, Canada... for the past 3 years i've known this girl, and in the last year we have become really good and close friends... where am i going with this? well, of course i had to fall for her.. In the past year, I've not done anything but think about her day and night... I go to bed thinking of her and wake up and the first thing on my mind is her name... No matter how hard i tried to move things beyond the friendship stage, it just wasnt happeninng with her though.. i began to doubt myself and blame myself for not being good enough for her.. so to prove myself wrong i've outdone myself and tried the craziest things to impress her and to make her see me.. its so hard to describe everything online but lets just say that i did the whole thing for her, from picking her up everytime we went out, getting the door for her, getting her flowers, gifts, paying for dinners, drinks, even reading books to find out more about what i should do to get her to be my girlfriend.. i'd walk her to her door everytime i dropped her back.. hold the umbrella for her if its raining, skip work when she calls me and wants to see me... you name if, i did for her...i even brought up the idea of her and i being a couple a bunch of times but no matter what she would not give me the light of day... I was ready to spend the rest of my life trying to impress her and to make her my girlfriend, and id have stayed with her until the end of time... however around 15 days ago, she finally came out and told me that the reason she couldnt be with me was because shes a lesbian...and she never told me about it because i was against gay/lesbians ( we had an argument once about that subject, but i am not against gays or lesbians.... i may have been a bit narrow minded 3 years ago but i have changed a bit since then..) anyway so i had no idea that she was a lesbian up until now.. i love her so much, i honestly dont know what to do.. i have seen her a few times ever since she told me about it.. and ive told her that i'd always love her no matter what she was.. of course i know that i can never be with her now... but i'll always love her, and i'll always want her in my life, as a friend...

I dont know what to do, i really dont have anyone to talk to about this because i find it hard to talk to my friends about it.. i tried with one person and he basically told me " oh lesbian huh? you should have a 3 sum".... i just find myself to be so depressed, like my world is fallen.. i always thought that i had a 1% chance of being with her and i was ready to do anything to win her and i'd have tried the next 50 years to be with her but now i've no hope at all.. the only times im happy is when she is around, and honestly i dont want any other girl.. every girl i talk to, i start talking about her.. how lovely she is, how great she is.. how much i love her..

I dont know if you guys can help me out any suggestions would be good.. i dont want another girl, i just dont know what to do with this depression and feeling like this... i asked her if she would date me if i were a girl.. and after thinking about it for 10 seconds she said yes... my heart just died on me.. i love her so much, id die for this girl... and i cant live not having her i dont know what to do.. i try to act all nice and happy when im with her but the truth is that on the inside im burning up and so depressed that id even thought about sex change operations (just a thought of it) to be with this girl... and dont get me wrong.. i love being a man, and i want a family of my own.. i want nothing more than being a good dad to my kids and a great husband to a wonderful wife... i thought it would be her... what should i do..
you may think its funny, but if you love someone with no conditions and when something like this hits you, you have no idea whats going on...

lost on her words...

[vashti]

I'm sorry to say that the best way for you to get over her is to quit hanging out with her. Seeing her and trying to be her friend will not serve you well for now.

After you have no emotional investment in her anymore, you may wish to try to be friends again.

Sorry my friend, and I wish you a happy holiday.

[sazzya1987]

id even thought about sex change operations

But on the inside and being her friend she will still see you as a man. Its not the same...

Like vashti said, its best to stop hanging with this girl.
Have no connection with her, you have no chance with her at all, she is out of your reach.

[lostonherwords]

hey guys thanks for the replys..

yeah i know the whole sex change thing is not very likely to happen.. i love being a man.. but the funny thing is that if she ever asked me id definetly have to think about it and consider it.. the shit you do for love huh... its just like something you think would never happen to you... fall in love with a lesbian.. but i guess the world is smaller than what we make it out to be, you dont choose who you fall in love with, you choose what you do with that love that sets out the path to the rest of your life with that person.. i still dont get it and im still so shocked about the whole thing, but i love her and accept her for who she is.. and she thought that id never get that... I wish it were that easy to stop hanging out with her though, we go to the same university and we've got 2 classes together next semester... and besides if i just stopped seeing her it would make me look like an asshole wouldnt it ? "oh you were only there because you wanted me to be your girlfriend, and now you dont even want to talk to me" kinda thing..
I honestly love her more than i've ever loved any girl, and i do realize that i cannot be with her in that boyfriend/girlfriend way but i do want her in my life someway... its so hard to describe what im going though, ive not stopped thinking about her for the past year at all.. I pass by other beautiful girls and i dont even look at them or talk to them.. and if i do if only takes 2 minutes before im talking about this girl with them.. which is not the best way to meet girls... but the whole point is that i do want her in my life, i am happy when we are out doing something together, its the times im not with her that kills me... takes me into thought and i get depressed.. i just wish there was some easy way for me to deal with this... its funny how you guys answered with the same response, you know i never even thought about that, i never thought about stopping hanging out with her.. i just dont know if i could ever do that... besides the fact that i've told her i always want her in my life ( and i do) i just find it to be such a mean thing to do dont you guys ? i mean thats just the way she is, is it fair for me to punish her by telling her that i wont be her friend cuz of her sexual orieantation ? i know that she cares for me too, shes said that she loves me "as a friend" and that would devestate her too if i were to say i dont ever want to see you again...

thanks guys... if ya have any other feedback please let me know.. im open to suggestions.


lostonherwords.

[LordofMuck]

Man I've been where you've been. I've never known another guy or had a friend who I could explain how I felt about a certain girl that they would understand. I sort of get the feeling that some people 'love' and some people really LOVE. The best way I can explain how I feel when I'm in love and probably you as well is to refer to the Hunchback of Notre Dame. Basically you would do anything for her no matter how long it took or what it meant you had to do. Quasimodo brings her food everyday and she was scared by a statue so he broke it and he saves her from hanging once and ends up getting shot by arrows and beat up and all sorts of bad things for her. And she never really loves him either. And in the end even though she never loved him and she dies he locks himself in her tomb to die.

That's how I feel when I'm in love with someone, it doesn't really matter whether they love me or not, even though if they did love me all my needs in life would be fulfilled, and that is an understatement. If they said they loved me it would be an ineffable joy. But even if they don't it is nearly impossible to not want to keep doing whatever you can to be near them or help them or
just to see them.

But the cold hard truth is if you ever want to make YOURSELF happy you will
have to endure the painful course of letting go of this person. Because really when you love someone your friends, though they still are friends, kind of pale in comparison with your lover. When you find someone you love this much and they love you back, believe it or not you won't think about this girl much anymore. I have been in times when I didn't think it was possible to forget about someone I loved, someone who I would have died for. It feels like it really would be better to be anything to this girl even if it were just a friend and it meant you could at least see her every day than to have some other girl who actually loved you.

But if you work and suffer and cut your ties with this girl then believe me man you will feel this way again about somebody, and you might not love you either, but you gotta keep trying and suffering cause eventually you will be this in love with someone who is this in love with you and that is really the best reason for living.

[Ellynn]

Back when I was in my freshman yr of college, I had a guy friend who was awesome. We were inseperable. We went everywhere together. I developed feelings for him. I even asked him about a relationship, but he said it would be too weird since we were such good friends. So, I didn't really bring it up again and just hoped he would change his mind. Then one night, we were talking and he came out and told me he was gay. I was shocked and surprised. I mean he had had gf's, but nothing ever really worked out long term. He told me he was very afraid to tell me because he feared losing me as his friend. I was upset and in denial, but I promised him that no matter what, I would be his friend. I even wrote him a letter expressing how much I care about him and like him. He was flattered. We talked about how I felt and how he felt and even though I didn't understand it completely, we remained friends. I will admit though, it hurt and it was hard at first to be around him. It was odd having him talk like a straight man one minute, to him telling me about this guy he was checking out. But, eventually I got used to it and over it. I realized it was a good thing to have someone like him in my life. I love hanging around him. I just had to get over my feelings. I mean I think in the back of my mind I will always be like "why the hell does he have to be gay?", but he is a true friend and I would rather have that then nothing at all.

Its been almost 7 yrs since he came out to me and we still are friends to this day.

Once you get past your feelings for her(which you may or may not) you should realize that there is a reason your in her life. You have to realize that nothing physically will probably ever happen, but if you truly enjoy being around her, then you will probably have a good friend for life.

[lostonherwords]

Hey LordofMuck,

when i read what you wrote about the hunchback of Notre Dame, i feel like you stole the words right out of my head about the situation.. i think that you understand where im coming from.. and yeah i would do probably do just about anything to see her smile, even though i have no chance of ever being with her, i think id be happy having her as a friend and never getting to know any other girl.. rather than being with someone else and not having her in my life... i just dont think that i could ever let go of her as a friend...

Ellynn,

i guess you and i share the same thing in a way... and i do agree with you, it totally is something that i never thought about, i always thought that if you want something bad enough you do whatever it takes to get it, and i always blieved in that.. and like i said i would have had spent the next 100 years just being by her side waiting for a chance to be her bf.. and yes it kills me that i know it will never ever be, but i do agree with you on staying friends with her... shes everything fun and good in my life.. sometimes i feel like i may be pushing her to hang out with me but the truth is that i miss her and i understand that id never be with her but i still want to be around her, one smile frlom her makes me go through my whole day feeling happier...

why does life have to be so difficult sometimes ? sometimes when she hugs me hello or goodbye i just close my eyes and i feel like im in heaven, like nothing can harm me or like there is no place that id rather be then right there with her and time stands still....

sigh.. thanks for your replies.. it does help to talk to someone, i honestly have no one to talk to about this.. no one understands, no one cares to.. sure i have lots of friends.. but they'd never understand me.. i know that they would think im stupid for even spending a single minute with a girl that i could never be with, but i would rather spend a second with her than a million years with them....


lostonherwords.

[Gigabitch]

Good for you, Loston. I think love transcends limitations. Only part of this whole thing is whether or not you end up together- most of it is about the connection you have.

Most importantly, as Muck said, you're a person who can LOVE. That's huge. Just the fact that you've had these feelings for her puts you in a refined league. Welcome. It sucks, and it's the greatest thing in the world.

[anachronistic]

there are 3 new tricks, in which i will teach you, that would help you surpass the pain and endurance you must withstand.

1. eat.
2. sleep.
3. masturbate.

[michaelmorgan]

Dear lostonherwords...

Even if she wasn't a lesbian, you wouldn't have turned her into your girlfriend. All the things you said you do for her only KILL ATTRACTION. The door should be opened by a doorman, the umbrella should be carried by herself, the gifts should be symbolic. And the books you said you read to seduce her better..throw them away if they taught you these.

From where I come from real men get real women, so please excuse me if I am too honest here.
How do you know that if you change your sex she will fall in love with you? By your behaviour, I BET this won't happen.

As for wishing her presence in your life...whom do you really want? The lover or the friend? Nope, not both...you want the lover. You accept the friend ONLY HOPING THAT SOMEHOW, SOMEDAY A MIRACLE WILL HAPPEN.

I do believe in miracles too..as long as they don't involve a change of sex.

When, as simple friends, she will rest her head on your shoulder and you will not want to kiss her madly, you will accept her as a friend. Until then, try to digg as deep as you can into her personal history as a lesbian. Has she ever been with men, etc. Try to make her talk as much as you can.