After 6 years i did something stupid..but..

[messed_up]

I have been with my gf for almost 6 years and lived togeather for just over 1 year.

She has never fully trusted me due to an insecurity from a previous relationship. I have never given her any reason prior to my recent mistake.. This is something she would confirm herself.

I have recently been txt messaging another girl and my gf found them on my mobile phone after going into it and looking for whatever reason she felt it necessary. I dont think she has ever done this before so i dont know what drove her to do it now.

We have split up over it even tho it was only just txt messaging it hurt her to the point that she wanted us to move apart. We have been apart for almost 3 days now and of course we are talking to see what we both think is best to do.

My problem is is that she didn't trust me before, i had very little freedom without questions and arguments on her part and I feel now its going to get 100 times worse, my fault of course, im not saying any different.

She would like to try to figure things out and get back. I am not sure if she has realised how hard that is going to be for her considering trust was never there before anyway and now its not going to be anywhere near right. I am not sure what I want to do but can only think that

1) I dont want to go back into something that I wasn't 100% happy in anway. Something must have made me want this attention of the other girl and although i didnt take it any further than txting, i still wanted attention from elsewhere.

2) I dont want to carry on hurting her anymore than I have already. Believe it or not I would never have wished this on her, and wish I could change everything back and maybe talk about the problems I had, but its to late for that now. I am thinking that however long down the line when she becomes unable to put the front on and pretend to be happy that its going to drive us apart again and only cause more hurt.

I would like to know what you guys would think is the most respectful thing for me to do to limit any further hurt for her.

I do still love her, but i dont think any relationship can work properly without trust and thats what I am trying to tell her, but she seems prepared to try anyway and I am not sure thats the best thing?

Thanks

[vashti]

1) I dont want to go back into something that I wasn't 100% happy in anway. Something must have made me want this attention of the other girl and although i didnt take it any further than txting, i still wanted attention from elsewhere.

Are you looking for permission to break up with her? If so, I give it to you. However, I wouldn't travel down the "something made me do it" road too far. Throughout your life, you will be faced with temptation and a desire for more attention than ANYONE can give you. The measure of your character is determined by how you handle those weaknesses - not by how interesting your girlfriend is to you at the moment. To say some external force must have made you want attention is to negate your own responsibility.

Anyway, if you aren't feeling motivated to work things out with your girlfriend, then break up with her.

[messed_up]

Thanks for the reply

I dont want to put the blame elsewhere, i just wish i had told her something wasnt right and moved on before I started talking / txting other girls.

Its to late now, its done.

The problem is there is a part of me that wants to still try to work things out but I cant tell if its just me feeling sorry for her and what I have done to her or if its really what I want?

[vashti]

Sorry, I doubt anyone can tell you that. That is for YOU to determine. I think your concerns that she will ultimately have a hard time trusting you are valid, though.

[messed_up]

I think so, and thats whats going to stop things working. It was difficult before, I think its going to be impossible now...

Just wish she would realise that and not kid herself that things are going to be fine and she will be able to hide the fact that deep down she will be wanting to know anything and everything I am doing...

Hardly her fault, but it doesnt take away the fact that it will be like that.

Getting back with someone because you feel sorry for them is something I should avoid though right? It has to be more than that?

[vashti]

Getting back with someone because you feel sorry for them is something I should avoid though right? It has to be more than that?

Of course, but I am sure you knew that!

[Gigabitch]

Somebody has to call this relationship for what it is: over. Apparently, that's you.

I hope you've learned your lesson about looking for attention from others before breaking it off. You should understand that it IS, in a way, cheating. No, you didn't touch anyone, but you were wandering off, just the same. If I found out my boyfriend was flirting with another girl by messaging her, I'd probably throw him out too. I would certainly never do that to him.

I think you should just break up and be done with it.

[messed_up]

After talking to her she gets the sort of feeling I dont want to try to make things work but then tells me how I should be wanting to try to work things out and how do I know what she is going to be like now this has happened without trying things out first...

The thing is if I put myself in her shoes I cant see me trusting again, so I can't see how she is going to be any different no matter how much she wants to be. What happens when I talk to another girl from now on? Even if she pretends its ok I know its going to be going through her mind wondering if I am up to something...

Anyone disagree with what I am saying? I would really hate to be wrong after 6 years, but I think that I have blown it with my mistake, but don't really feel that was all that was wrong anyway, its just we never talked about it properly.

Thanks for the replies so far, they are helping

[Gigabitch]

Stop trying to make it about her. You were flirting with someone else because you were dissatisfied with your relationship, just admit it.

That's a perfectly valid reason to move on.

You don't need her permission to break up with her anyway. Why she would want to try to convince you to stay when you clearly want to go is a mystery to me, but you don't have to indulge her.

[messed_up]

Oh I havent mentioned that this is the 1st and only long term relationship I have had with a girl since turning 18...

No prior experience to base what a relationship should be like and definately not experience of anything like this before...

[messed_up]

Stop trying to make it about her. You were flirting with someone else because you were dissatisfied with your relationship, just admit it.

I think I already did, but if not then yes that has to be why this has happened..

For some reason I can't figure out why she wants me back after what I did and the problem is the minute I tell her I don't want anymore after this is going to kill her, worse than finding out I was txting someone. I am just trying to find out whats right before doing that to her.

[Gigabitch]

For some reason I can't figure out why she wants me back after what I did and the problem is the minute I tell her I don't want anymore after this is going to kill her, worse than finding out I was txting someone. I am just trying to find out whats right before doing that to her.

Ugh. Please Google the term "codependent" and get back to me....

[Junket]

For some reason I can't figure out why she wants me back after what I did and the problem is the minute I tell her I don't want anymore after this is going to kill her, worse than finding out I was txting someone. I am just trying to find out whats right before doing that to her.

Yeah...'cause continuing a relationship out of guilt and lacking in trust is genius.

[messed_up]

Ugh. Please Google the term "codependent" and get back to me....

That sounds like me...

Is it saying I need to stop thinking she needs me? and just do the right thing?

[Junket]

That sounds like me...

Is it saying I need to stop thinking she needs me? and just do the right thing?

You're asking a question you already know the answer to, but just to go through the motions:

Yes, you need to break it off.

Be straightforward and firm, but don't be mean.