Being "friends" with an old girlfriend

[leight69]

I'm stichking this under dumping talk cause it deals with an ex...

Last night makes two weeks in a row that Ill have hung out with my ex from two years ago. We're "just friends" - and to be honest I know its not a good thing for me to get back with her. Hanging out with her (and her friends) part of me would love it, but the reality is it would mess me up and I know it.

Last friday I had invited her out for a drink (just to catch up) then on saturday she invited me out to the movies (with her friends) and on sunday she invited me (and i declined) to go to dinner with friends of her family (with whom i am very good friends but have only seen sparingly since we broke up). Then two nights ago i was supposed to call her about coming out with my friends but I got side tracked and didn't. Online yesterday she was all like "you snubbed me!" (laughing about it)...but then last night she shows up unannounced, had a look at my new place, laughed ALOT at my jokes and was like do you want to come out with us? (and seeing how i didnt have anything better to do I did...)

Thing is last night, part of me was just feeling crappy; cause "we're just friends"; and thats what she wants (and deep down its what i want) - but I still want her to want me. but I've found her saying feeling the need to clarify our status to me, whenever there is a hint from anyone that we sleep in the same building that we'd be in different locations...etc. (and TRUST ME I've done more then keep my distance around her).

I even noticed her friends, (that didnt know me before), think shes interested in me (and then she is all like "no no no no no, he's my ex, and were just friends" - or something like that cause then they're "OOOH, ok" - It happened a few times throughout the night (but i was out of ear shot for the last bit)...

I think the only thing for me to do is to not to hang out with her anymore, cause she still manages to stirr some emotions in me...but does her behaviour above make any sense to you guys? Like is this a "just friends" scenario?

[PandaCivic]

it makes total sense. she can't find the right guy right now so she is using you to feel that she doesn't need one. it could also mean that she is very friendly and that she misses hanging out with you because she knows you from before. just be careful. she may have evil intentions.

[leight69]

she may have evil intentions.

EVIL intentions?!?!? what does that mean!?!?

[dragoon]

If it were me, I'd just go with my feelings. There's no one answer to situations like this. If I could feel those conflicting emotions boiling up or found myself trying to read her and such, I'd not hang out with her and just move on. But if I felt a real friendship was possible -- as in I could be with her 100% as a friend -- I'd go for it.

[leight69]

I know I posted this thread a while ago. Well last night (Canada Day), my ex ended up coming home with me, and well we ended up having sex.

She left early in the morning (while I was sleeping), she did leave some articles of hers at my place (...earings, camera) - I'm not sure what her intentions are (we need to have a talk). Its kinda weird, it was something I used to want for so long, but now that I had sex with her again (and it was really good) - I'm torn. On one side its comfortable and I still care for her, on the other side, I don't see getting back with her going anywhere.

So ill have to make up my mind, before we actually talk. (We chatted briefly this afternoon, but we didnt say much.)


Ill keep you guys posted if you're interested.

[squirrley]

HOLY SHIT! You did cross the lines here with this one Leight! damn now youre in a real quandry! Hmmm-is the friends with benefits shes thinking? I bet so? Cause shes comfortable with you-OBVIOUSLY and wants to hang out again-hell this sounds more and more like she wants a relationship back! And you dont right? Why?

Thats what Im curious about here...if you guys get along and have a great time why dont you give it a shot again? Youve admitted shes got those feelings stirred up again inside of you-and she's obvioulsy got them too! Leight I dont think youre going to be able to figure this one out in just a matter of hours here-this sounds like a relationship in the making again! If you dont want this-then youre going to have cut off ties with her or else youre going to get hurt. YOU need to decide if you want more with her again or not??? That is the question-to be or not to be???

Goodluck and let us know!!!

[Bonovox40]

There's times I've wondered what it would be like hooking up with my ex just for sex because it really was good at times, but i'd never do it. (basically because she was evil and deceitful and spiteful and I can't forget about those things) I found a healthy thing to do with me is cut all ties with all ex's no matter how the realtionship ends and who ended it.

If she wants friends with benefits, and you do, then have a good time. But I get the feeling, that there's more to it then that in your heart and THAT'S what tears you up. Part of you wishes things could work out, and part of you knows you'll get hurt. The thing is, there is probably no right answer because it's up to both of you. But remember that there was a breakup for a reason. That reason has probably not been solved so why would you believe that reason has just up and vanished? It's still floating in her mind somewhere with this whole thing.

I think it's relatively impossible to have a "total no strings attached" friends with benefits AFTER a relationship. If you and her never dated and just wanted to have a mutual booty call thing on occasion, then possibly it might work until one of you decided to want more, or started a relationship with someone else. You've just given me the impression that you're really considering that she goes back out with you. Have you been with anyone since her? I bet you'd change your mind if you were! I did!

[jslaughter]

YIKES!!!!!!!!

I am never one for what is comfortable and easy when it comes to relationships. I am always afraid that it would be my luck that getting back with my ex to fill a void will keep me from "missing" someone special.

[PandaCivic]

you're just wanting some ass. you don't really want HER. if you found someone else, she'll be out of your mind. don't be friends with ex's. it's too much drama. i learned it the hard way in my situation.

[PandaCivic]

EVIL intentions?!?!? what does that mean!?!?

EVIL intentions = anything and everything to hurt you without her doing it intentionally.

[Breezy18]

YIKES!!!!!!!!

I am never one for what is comfortable and easy when it comes to relationships. I am always afraid that it would be my luck that getting back with my ex to fill a void will keep me from "missing" someone special.

You hit the nail right on the head Jules. I feel the same way. I won't settle again, even if it means looking for the next ten years for that someone special.
Leight, you need to clear your mind and really consider the relationship ASIDE from sex. That's a great part of a relationship, but it should not be built on it. If you think getting back together won't go anywhere, then odds are you gut is right and you should end this. Good luck buddy.

[leight69]

That's all good advice guys. Thanks

Well we havn't spoken today. At least I took the iniciative earlier today and we did briefly. Since then she hasn't. So I think that she's in the same boat, that she realises nothings going to happen between us two. (Well in the long run).....or maybe that's just wishful thinking on my part.

Last nights trip down memory lane was prompted by, lonelyness, drinking, and horniness.

Should I call her tomorrow to meet up and talk?

[squirrley]

what do you think? how are you feeling about it? if you dont want this to go any farther than yea talk to her dont tell her you have regrets or anything-but let her know youre fully aware of the situation...do you want to be friends here Leight?

I guess I would suggest talkn to her as soon as you realize what you want...

[Breezy18]

I agree with Squirrley on this one. You have to carefully consider what you are going to say and what you want. But I would call her soon. Don't leave it too long or it's gonna become awkward, whatever the outcome.

[leight69]

Well I justed chatted with her briefly, I'm going to have to meet up with her soon, to give her back the stuff she left....and then I said I wanted to actually talk with her.

She "laughed" - said yes, didnt want things to be weird, and that alcohol does "strange things".

So that confirms both of us know a relationship isn't going anywhere. Also allows me to intensify my conviction, for the "we proved we can't "just be friends"" line I was going to give.