Confused!

[HeyPete]

Hey, Im a 25yr old guy in the UK and struggling a bit with what to do with my relationship.

I've been in two long term relationships, one for around 2-3yrs and the current for just over 6yrs.

My first relationship was long distance, we met quite regularly and it was pretty happy, but I had real 'cheating' issues. I was totally paranoid she would cheat on me, but she never did until the last month of our relationship and because of which I ended things. Being only 18 at the time, I was pretty scared of being rejected but also foolishly cheated on her a couple of times with one girl. In my head it wasn't ok to cheat on her, but I kind of needed the attention due to the distance. Not an excuse, just how I felt.

So we split up and I got together with another girl, long distance again, but she moved up to live near me shortly after we got together. We have such a good laugh together, shes like a best friend and I am her first proper boyfriend (she was 16 and I was 19) and I took her virginity. We've been properly living together for two years and things have been mainly great. However I really struggled to trust her while she was at uni and cant trust her 100% even now. I'm paranoid because Im her first sexual partner and bf that she'll wonder what others are like and dabble elsewhere. I cheated on her in the early days of our relationship with a girl from work as she just started, had a huge crush on me and I loved getting the attention.

We have always struggled with the sex in our relationship, initially it was great, but the last few years have been hard with me having to not plead but ask repeatedly for things to happen. I know guys are horny gits, but its soul destroying to have to ask, surely if theres passion between us she'd want to seduce me, even just once? We've talked about this openly loads, every few months it raises its head and she says she will try to relax etc but the same problem arises again and again.

The last month has been really hard, I've been feeling that she just isnt interested in me, despite telling me she loves me etc. She never seems that bothered about sex to start it - yet she loves it when we do. I started becoming really attracted to a girl at work but she wasnt keen to hook up due to working together.

Running along at the same time, there has always been sexual tension between my brother-in-laws sister and I everytime we meet at family events. Shes recently moved in with them and we've spent a lot of time texting each other, flirting etc and last sat night I got really drunk, we met up and kissed each other for several hours. We've since hooked up last night and were all over each other, but didnt have sex.

I'm not feeling that guilty about the kissing, I know its wrong, but I'm loving the attention I feel I should be getting from my gf. But I'm confused and scared at what to do. I know everyone will straight away say leave your gf, but I do love her as a person, shes so fun but the spark just isnt there. We spoke last night when I returned and shes so keen to try to save our relationship, shes promising to change and be more fun and exciting.

But speaking to my brother-in-laws sister, we really like each other and I can see myself being happy with her. But Im not sure how the family would react. I've researched the net and there doesnt seem to be any issues with dating your brother-in-laws sister but some people may find it weird.

Do i stop the cheating, concentrate on saving my relationship with the current gf or finish things and see the brother-in-laws sister? I'm scared that I'll loose a great girl and regret it, but also, if I'm not getting the attention I need, is it so great?

I know people will not be impressed with my trust record, but I think it stems from needing attention. I am quite a trust worthy person, but Im also quite needy and feel that a partner should want me like I want them. I'm also quite scared of being alone - I have lots of acquaintences, but very few real friends that I could call up. I suffer from rejection badly and am quite insecure about it.

I'd really appreciate any comments, I'm struggling with what to do.

[xyla]

I'm sorry, maybe the reason you're not getting any answers is because this is sooo long. I took one look and was like, no. Try again, and summarize?

[carl1222]

First a comment then a few questions ...

Remember, girls learn at a young age that there is a certain stigma attached to sexual agression on their part ... sexually aggressive guys are called studs, sexually aggressive girls are called sluts. Eventually, girls realize how stupid that distinction is, but there is still a hurdle for them to overcome to get to that point. I wonder why it's so important in your mind for your gf to initiate sex, especially when she responds so well when you do? Does your ego really require that kind of stroking?

Questions:

How well do you get along with your sister's husband? Would he approve of you being in a relationship with his sister?

Is your brother in law's sister in a relationship with someone else?

Other than your almost pathological need to be seduced, are there any other problems in your sex life or your relationship with your gf other than you having the hots for your brother in law's sister?

Why are you cheating on your gf again?

Carl.

[Bo]

ohhhhh i see, i was right after all, we've got ourselves a little cheater here. It doesn't even sound like u have any remorse for what u've done, wtf? so you've cheated on your gf how many times now? And you say u care about your gf and u love the person that she is, yet YOU'RE CHEATING ON HER because she won't **** u when u want her to? ok, ok let me lay out for u

1. tell your gf that u cheated because she deserves to know and it's up to her whether or not you two should be together.
2. if u don't tell her u need to leave her the alone because u obviously DON'T deserve her OR her body for that matter
3. quit cheating because you're never going to be happy with any relationship if u can't learn to be monogamous.

u expect her to be your sex-slave when you're off screwing anyone u can get attention from?
i think u have some major insecurity issues mr. big-ego man.

[HeyPete]

Carl:

I suffer from low self confidence at times, and have never had lots of interest from girls. However, am I so wrong to think that my gf should want to seduce me? Its upsetting to have to ask all the time for affection (not just sex). Surely a healthy relationship consists of both partners giving and recieving in equal amounts? Doesnt a one sided relationship = no relationship?

I get on with my brother in law quite well, I think he may find things a bit weird at first, but I think he would be happy for us after time. She is currently not seeing anyone.

My current relationship suffers from lack of affection from my gf to me. I don't feel wanted by her much. I think the reason for the recent issues is the lack of interest from my gf and the large amount of attention given by the other girl.

Bo:

I understand why you judge me straight away, but the fact that Im on here shows Im not just trying to get laid and be a stud. I'm trying to work out why things have happened, what issues I may have and how to find a solution to move forward. Yes, I admit I have done some bad things, but there are reasons for these (not excuses) and its these reasons that I need to figure out.

[Bo]

you're on here but u haven't said a word about stopping the bad behavior have u? aha so you're on here either 1. looking for sympathy or 2. actually looking to fix your relationship which isn't going to fixed until u stop cheating. What i'm trying to say is, don't expect shit from your gf until you're worthy of it. And u sure as hell aren't if you're still cheating on her!

[HeyPete]

Of course the bad behaviour is stopping. I wouldn't be on here if it wasn't.

There have been several occurances of bad behaviour on my part and I'm now trying to rise above them and sort out the mess. I know I'm not perfect.

I came on here for helpful advice on how to sort out the issues and be a better bf to either my current gf or any future gfs.

[lovesjoyajm]

HeyPete,

Affection differs from girl to girl. Is your girlfriend a particularly affectionate person? Has she ever been aggressive? If not, it's possible this is just part of her personality. You need affection. If this is the case, she doesn't seem to be the girl for you.

Aside from that, I agree that you should probably not be with her anyway - not for YOUR sake, for HERS. You're a pathological cheater. You say:

I know everyone will straight away say leave your gf, but I do love her as a person, shes so fun but the spark just isnt there.

That's not the issue. The issue is that whether or not she's "fun" or "boring" or a "bad girlfriend", she doesn't deserve to be cheated on (and not trusted by the cheater, no less!)

[HeyPete]

lovesjoyajm:

Shes never been agressive towards me. When we first were going out things were great, but the last while her interest has dwindled. I know relationships go through bad patches, but how do you keen them alight? I've talked to her time and time again about how we need to spark up interest and passion between us, but she seems lazy to put the effort in. I'm hungry for her love, attention and passion but she just doesnt seem interested. Her Mum has suffered from depression and mental health all her life and Im concerned this is linked somehow.

I know you lot see me as a cheater, but its not like I want to be that person. I'm trying to figure out why Im doing this so I can stop myself and find happiness. I want both myself and whatever partner to be happy together, this isnt all about me being happy. I know I have insecurity issues and maybe Im grabbing for any attention I can get as I dont feel Im getting enough. I had troubled teenage years and find trusting people very hard - yet Im the one cheating! Im not after sympathy, just ideas on how I can sort this out.

[Bo]

if she's depressed than you're being "a bit" selfish don't u think? maybe u need to help her first

[Aeradalia]

I think your gf is probably losing interest in you because she can sense you're cheating... maybe not anything definitive... but I remember when I was cheated on by an ex, I knew things were 'different.' This made me very depressed. Women are quite intuitive and don't need concrete proof to know that something isn't quite right.

On top of this, you are wanting further affections and initiative from her. Which complicates things even more. You want more of her and she knows this too.

From her standpoint she can sense you're cheating (so she assumes you must not care about her) and that you're demanding more attention from her (she assumes you're even more selfish)... and so she feels worthless.

If you really want to salvage this relationship, then I would suggest taking some time to realize that her own insecurities based on your actions alone are eating her up. Tell her the truth about how you feel, reveal your infidelities to her, and pray that she will not leave. If she decides to 'work through this' with you, then listen to her thoughts and feelings too... work to regain the trust by not cheating and taking the effort to show you genuinely care. Only then will you ever hope to have the affections you desire be reciprocated to you.

You have a lot of work cut out for you in regards to repairing this mess...

1.) She can sense you're cheating on her...
2.) She feels you're making demands of her
3.) She's losing trust in you (if not already)

A relationship without trust is not a relationship at all.

I wish the best of luck to you, if you decide to try to mend things with her.

[carl1222]

Did you ever consider that you just might be with the wrong girl? There are lots of girls out there who will treat you a lot like you want to be treated. In fact, they often have relationship problems themselves because guys see them as clingy or needy. Maybe you need to be with one of them instead? Just be sure to break up with your gf BEFORE you go looking for one this time.

Carl.

[Aeradalia]

Did you ever consider that you just might be with the wrong girl? There are lots of girls out there who will treat you a lot like you want to be treated. In fact, they often have relationship problems themselves because guys see them as clingy or needy. Maybe you need to be with one of them instead? Just be sure to break up with your gf BEFORE you go looking for one this time.

Carl.

I agree... I would have to consider myself to be somewhat 'clingy and needy' (though only intimately... not with friends.. etc.) and have managed to find a guy that is the same way. Took a while... went through several relationships with those who were 'emotionally distant' before realizing what kind of person I should be looking for.

[HeyPete]

Carl & Aeradalia:

Thanks for that - its given me some good points to think about.

I have questioned that perhaps we're not right for each other, but my answer ends up that we click on absolutely everything else just not the affection quantity and showing of it. So I'm unsure if its something that could be worked on or not. Each time we've talked things haven't changed the way I asked, but the fact that we match so well means Im confused as to whether its still salvageable or not.