What to do after so long?

[L0stL0ve]

This is a long story...thank you for those who take time to read

My ex boyfriend and I was the best of friends since we were in 6th grade. I've always had crushes on him throughout the middle school and high school. But..in 8th grade, he got me and one of his close friends together and me and him went out for about 3 years. When we broke up, my ex boyfriend and his ex gf also broke up. We were always each other's support system, he helped me with my other ex boyfriend when things were rough and I'd help him through the many girlfriends he has had. He always had a thing with girls, getting a girlfriend for him was never a problem. After both being single, i really didnt expect him to like him but he did..he asked me out and we started going out. I became his 7th girlfriend when we were both juniors in high school. Everyone of our friends thought I was different from all the other girls because I was his best friend. That I wouldnt be like all the other girls he went out with. And I myself believed that too.

3 months into the relationship, things didnt go well, we broke up. We broke up because he was the vice president of a club and I just did my own thing. A girl supposedly approached him and said "hi, i think you're cute but u have a girlfriend huh?" At first I didn't care too much, then later all my friends were like "oo i saw him with her doing this and that" I couldnt handle, when I use to be his best friend, I've heard it all and seen it all but I didnt expect it to be me. So things didnt end well we broke up. He attempted to b my friend like always because when we were best friend whenever I don't talk to him..he gets really upset. But I avoided him as much as I can but it was hard since we had classes together. A month or so later, he went up to one of my best friend and told her he still like me and want to be with me..and..he started to talking to me ..and..we went back at it..

In the beginning, I had a lot of doubts, I kept bringing it up, but after a while, he showed me, he showed me he changed. He cared about me alot. He would wake up extra early to come pick me up and take the bus with me to school even if he lived only 2 blocks away from school and I was 20 mins away. One day he finally said he loved me. And thats when I know he meant it bc ..him and his exgf broke up because he told her "i like u but i dont know if i love you". We soon became known as the "couple" among our friends. Everyone thought that we were meant to be, we were one of the cutest couple. So did i, I loved him, a lot...but because of that..he became my everything, he became my life..when we both headed off to college..everything was still good, fights and arguements here and there but it never got too serious to where we would jus throw everything away.

Until a couple months ago, we're now seniors in college..we were together for 4 and half years. He broke up with me because he said he was tired of everything, he was fed up with all the fights and we just ended it there. And again, we still had class together, I couldn't bare to see him, i couldn't eat, sleep, go to work, school. I couldn't do anything. For almost a month, I just didn't do anything but mope and dwell on everything. I thought about the what ifs, the could've, would've and should've. I went to LA to visit one of my close friend to get my mind of things but it didnt work very well. And one day, I met up a old friend, and he made me see through things, I started to let things go because he made me realize that..I didnt love myself enough..because I depended on him as my only source of happiness..and that was the first day i felt okay about everything. It was a friends birthday party too, and he was there, I tried my best to ignore him..to have fun with my girlfriends. But two days later, he IM me on AIM and just asked me how I was doing and that was it. The next day, he texted me and asked if I had time to talk after I get off work. I met him up and ..he said a lot of things to me..

He told me that he missed me alot, he made a mistake and I'm really the only person that makes him happy. Then he also said, about a week after we broke up, I met this girl at work and we went on couple of dates. After that, she told me "i really like you and i want u to be my boyfriend"..he told me he sed he cant bc he was still in love with me and thats why he came back to me. Because he realized he couldnt do what he always use to do. As his best friend before, his way of coping with a breakup or moving on is to bascially go find another grl..and this time he couldnt do it...he said..whenever I was with that girl, you're all i can think about... the entire time we were apart (about a month again) I've told my friends (we have mutual friends) that i wanted a second chance..i wanted to fix things..because i knew i kept bringing problems into our relationship that doesnt need to be there. But..i didnt go back to him after he told me all that..but we did go back into the dating stage. We started hanging out alot, and soon enough we started doing the couple things again...

One day we were just hanging out at his house, he asked me "will you be my girlfriend again" and i said no, but my back was facing him the entire time, and i heard some noise so i turned around, his eyes were tearing up and i said whats wrong..he said "i feel the sense im going to lose you"..and after that..he would always tell me, i came bak to work things out with you and I wont run away when things gets hard anymore..so one day he asked me again and i said yes..and we're back at being that couple...

But for some reason, i couldn't let go of his actions, his past, from time to time i kept thinkin bout him and that girl he dated...i kept thinking bout whether or not he will do it again..i had doubts, and i told him. He told me he would stick by me to make them go away. And i took his words for it, i tried to tell him everything I felt to make sure we dint have any misunderstanding. It was july 4th and he called and told me he's going to a party with coworkers..so i said ok, he said he'll call me when he gets home. I stayed up the whole night waiting for his call..it was 2 am..and no call so i decided to text him and tell him careful going home and i went to sleep but he txted me back and said he'll b going home soon and he'll come by to see me bfore work. And he didnt the next day. I texted him and said i guess i wont see you today since u start work in like 30 mins and he said , oo you shouldve called me..

We got into a fight, and arguement and it really led to a last break up of us. He told me "i don't think i can commit, i'm not happy in this relationship anymore" For the longest time, I wonder what it all meant because just a couple months ago i was the only one that made him happy, the one he missed and came back to. But i know this time it's the last time..no matter how much he says he loves me..the last thing he said was "i love you and would give up and do anything for you but i'm just not in love with you anymore"

It's been almost 2 months since that day, in the beginning i really thought we can keep a friendship because we were best friends, and thats what he asked for but the more i tried the more it hurted. Within a week i saw pictures of him out partying, drinking, dancing and hugging girls. It hurt, ALOT, but i slowly let it go because it wasnt anything surprising.

Just couple days ago, a friend told me "no matter how much you dont think anything matters, you are never just any other girl to him because it meant so much to him to keep you happy but it's just he knows that you wont be happy if he can't commit" He gave up on us because he wasn't done having fun or he really never had the chance to because we've been together at the time where everyone parties and such. I myself is not the type but..he definitely is..hes a really outgoing talkative guy where im the complete opposite, i'm really shy and quiet but i really open up to him. I realize everytime we broke up, he was at a party right bfore..i guess..it gave him a sense that he can get away from all the problems..and breaking up..is the easy way out to see a better life where he doesn't have to care about us anymore..

I definitely don't doubt the love or care because I was the first girl he came back to, the first girl he changed for, the first girl that lasted more than 6months but instead for 4.5 years, the first girl he cried for, the first girl he said meant more to him than himself..the first girl he loved..but i do realize that..love isn't enough..

I blamed myself for it not working out because I always had to hold the past against him, I always made nothing into a problem..I really know its time to let go and move on, but it's so hard...I know we got to the end of road of me and him..regardless if he comes back or not, i kind of realize i can't let go of his past, because if he comes back now..i would hold onto the GIRLS he was with now..and..this time i KNOW he's not coming back..It's harder because we have mutual friends, we go to the same college, i bump into once in a while and..i just don't know what to do..because I told him off that I cannot be friends with him, because he wanted everything to b "normal" again, and i know that's not going to happen, its never going to be the same...

[lucyinthesky]

Honestly, it sounds like you have a huge history, and I think you might be wrong to give up like that. With what you two have been through, it really sounds like real love. The kind you should fight for, because it might only happen once in a lifetime.

[L0stL0ve]

It really was, but..i've tried fighting for it..but..in the end..it doesn't matter because he's given up on us..because he's moved on..and it really hurts to know that..

[girl68]

You know you're the first person I've heard repeat the phrase "sometimes love just isn't enough" I agree. Now you know.

After each time he's left you I too wouldn't trust him. He is simply too young to want to settle down and committ. It really is that simple. He very well could love you, he very well could think you're the one he COULD end up with. But at the end of the day when the timing isn't right, it just isn't right. (Especially true for the men).

Time will heal your pain. Take it easy, occupy your mind, get out with your friends.

[L0stL0ve]

After the first 2 breakups, I really sat down and told myself that, I would wait for this guy because he meant so much to me because we did have such a history together. But after this last time, it really woke me up that, no matter how much you love a person, if you guys aren't moving and looking for the same thing, it;s never going to work out.

It gets really hard when he tried to be friends, when sudden things that reminds me of him comes across my mind, a similar car he drives, songs we use to listen to together, places we use to go together..

[girl68]

I know kid.. I do...

But honestly time heals all pain. Don't hold onto hope forever you will ruin future prospects. You're young.

Here's another one to tell yourself (it's true- I promise)
If you loved once... you will love again. That's the miracle about hearts, they heal.

[L0stL0ve]

am i doing the right thing to ignore him? to cut him out?

i ran into him once and he tapped me n said hi, i just looked up and looked away, i didnt evn bother saying hi..

I know im bound to run into him ...but sometimes i don't realy know how to act when i do..

[girl68]

If you can be polite. A simple "hi" can't be that hard? Kepp all conversations short and sweet, and stay away from topics such as breakups, feelings and "what happened".

Yes, since you have such a history running into him is inevitable.

[L0stL0ve]

yes, i've been told that, if i can face up to him without breaking down, i've learned to let go and move on with it.....

thanks!