Did I do the right thing?

[Lava_twilight]

Hello all, I'll keep this as brief as I can.

Basically, 5 weeks ago, my fiancee split up. After a very rushed relationship (moving in together after only a few weeks), family & friends pressuring us into getting married, and me falling pregnant early this year & loosing the baby... our relationship grew stale and angry at one another. We constantly argued over money, I grew resentful of him wanting to go out & see his friends, when all I wanted was to tie him down & feel secure. He's 6 years younger than me, & I know it's bad to blame yourself when a relationship falls apart - but I am because deep down I know what happened is my fault.

We decided to have some time apart, see how we coped without each other. In that time, he met a girl (younger than him) that started at his company. She had just split with her fella, they got talking - and he decided on our break that he wanted to see how things go with her. Of course, I was angry, instead of us sorting things out, he fell head over heels for this new, less demanding girl who enjoyed her own time & friends, no pressure for him.

Now, 5 weeks on, I'm still crazy crazy in love, I've moved on, got my own place. I think about him every second of every minute. He texts me daily, admits me misses me, wants me back (but is now stuck with the new girl). I want him back bad. Deep down, although he didn't technically cheat on me, I know they've been together, slept together etc. I feel like my heart will never heal, he is always on my mind - I just don't feel complete anymore.

Our relationship was cr*p towards the end, I was too scared for him to go out with his mates in case he met someone else, & in the end, by doing so, he ended up meeting someone from work anyway. He doesn't love her, still loves me - but I don't know what to do. I've been told to get out there, meet other people, but I can't. I'm too hung up on him. But, if we did get back together, who's saying as soon as the going gets tough he won't up and leave again?

I need outside help. My family are good to me, but they can't see the pain I'm going through. My friends hate him anyway, so can't talk to them. Just wanted to know if anyone else has been in the same situation. Did I make the right decision by leaving them too it & not fighting for him?

[SAVANAH]

Yes, you did, he is choosing her over you, he may not love her and love you but fact remains, currently she is more important to him at this point, if he wants you back he'll leave her and make it clear at least with his actions, don't run after him and don't start dating if you not ready, just spend more time doing fun things with your friends and family anything to keep you busy and get your mind off him, do that and things will be much easier after a while, you'll feel so much better and if he comes back you cam tell him to move along or you can be ready to be a better person for the both of you, either way which ever way you want it, you two need space to clarify things and to take time to figure out if you two really want to be with each other.

Good Luck and hang in there!

[Lava_twilight]

Thanks Savanah, very good advice. Him still being with her does mean I guess that I'm not his priority, but if he says he still loves me, texts me goodnight etc, why is he still with her? I know it's like the old saying he wants his cake & eat it, but he doesn't want anything from me at this time...

I'm trying to keep busy, never been so socially active in years, but it all comes back to him in my head arrggghhh! Perhaps in a few months time, if they are not together it might work out then? I don't know. Inside my head I'm screaming out loud, I'm frustrated, angry, lonely...x

I asked for NC for a while, managed to get three days in & he always ends up restarting contact....in a way it makes me happy because he is missing me...

*confused* xxx

Thanks for replying xxx

[CocoChanel]

What the hell? This is so very close to what I am going through. My situation is really personal because some major events took place after we broke up... but what I can say is... you did the right thing by breaking it off. I think you need to distance yourself though. You are doing the right thing by being social. It helps. Him jumping into something new with someone else shows what he has been wanting to do all along. You guys have only been broken up 5 weeks!!!!! That's way too soon to be moving on with someone else. That should be a rude awakening to you.

I understand how No Contact can be hard...especially when deep down inside you still want to be connected with him somehow, someway... but just because he contacts you doesn't mean you have to respond or answer his calls. Good luck hun because all of these things are easier said than done. <3

[Lava_twilight]

Hey there x

It was a very rude awakening as he was begging me to still be with him, while he tested the water with this new girl. We had a massive row as I felt like he was keeping me in reserve in case it didn't work out. I stormed out, and a few days later she was all over his Facebook wall, saying things like 'isn't it your turn to cook breakfast' and stuff like that. He had moved her in practically, only days after wanting me back. To be honest, I know him so well, and that was his way of replacing me, she is a rebound & I KNOW for a fact he knows he has made a mistake...he's apologised so many times now, but it still hurts.

No contact is really hard. I get a few days in and remember something, like the house, car insurance, changing things over to his name, that I end up having to contact him. This is real hard. I know he still loves me, & if she hadn't have entered into the picture, we would have worked things out with the break. I can't hate her, but equally, she knew about us & still chased him....

[Lava_twilight]

I've now deleted him from my friends list, so I can't spy on his page (it hurts but we still do it - WHY?!). I tried changing my phone number but still need to sort things out with him, gah! :-s

[sarah2]

I think it's good that he calls you and shows that he misses you...I think he left because he felt pressured in the first place--probably not because he doesn't love you-- I'm in a similar situation (younger boyfriend who felt pressured and asked for space/time apart) luckily for me he is not seeing anyone but I think in your case this girl may not mean much to him...since he's still calling you and telling you that he loves you. What I did..and seems to be working on my favor..is started showing him that I'm working on myself and I'm changing my outlook on things "not for him but for myself"...I told him that although it has been very painful I needed this to happen to help me grow as a person and help me realize what I was doing wrong in our relationship (being needy, not having enough things to do apart from him, focusing too much on making it work instead of being happy with him, etc), I started reading some books to understand what guys feel when they are in a relationship and its really helping me a lot. He needs to feel challenged by you and he won't feel this way while you're there waiting. Be strong and even if you don't feel this way tell him that you needed this and it's good for you too...it probably is. Just don't make it sound like you're just saying things so he takes you back, men like to see to believe. You have to show him by giving yourself value and not settling for less (as settling for a relationship that wasn't the best you could have)..tell him that if you had the choice you wouldn't jump back into the relationship before working on yourself first...I think this takes some of the pressure away from him and also shows that you can be a strong woman and that "he made a good decision" by ending it, not because you are not good enough but because he is helping you become a better person/girlfriend (who knows, he may not like thinking that he helped you become a better person/girlfriend for someone else and not him)...whatever you say don't try making him jealous, don't blame him, don't complain, don't talk about his relationship with this new girl, don't EVER compare yourself to this new girl-have confidence in yourself! don't show weakness...when he calls don't even talk about the breakup and how hard it is for you...talk about fun things and laugh with him..like you did at the beginning of your relationship (which is probably what made him fall in love with you in the first place).. If you feel this guy is worth it be patient, firm, and friendly--if he loves you he'll come back, especially if you show him that you are a better person.

Good luck to you

[Lava_twilight]

Thankyou Sarah, I will bare all of that in mind. He knows I've moved on, as when I told him I'd gotten my own house - he was a bit shocked. I think he thought I was just going to hang around & stay at my Mum's till he wanted me back. I've moved pretty far (60 or so miles away) so I can't keep bumping in to him - trouble is, my Sister lives in the same road so it's real hard being that close to our house again. Silly I know, but when I drove past, her car was there - & all the strength I had built was worth nothing

I've got to go see him Friday to collect the last of my stuff & sign a few documents. I think this will be the last time we ever have contact - & I know, if he holds me I might not be able to let go....

[sarah2]

Go to the bookstore and read the book called "why men marry bit%#s" You'll see why being needy and so available to him will only push him farther away in no time. Men don't like weak sad women..

[Lava_twilight]

I will thanks, will look online and see if I can get it xx I try real hard not to be needy at all when talking to him, I'm always really strong. It's afterwards when the call ends I break down - so he doesn't get to see that side of me now xxx When I ignore him for a few days, he gets in contact & asks where I've been, what I've been up to...xxx

[CocoChanel]

I'm sorry but I don't think it's a good thing for him to be calling, apologizing and telling her how much he misses her when he went and slept with another girl! The broad is all up in his house at that! Some men want to break free from commitment so they can sleep around without the guilt of cheating. Then once they are done, they come galloping back into your life, full speed. This split... 5 weeks now... has lead to buying a new home, a new woman is in the picture and some more shet. He had no intentions of working things out or he wouldn't have let it get this far. A man with no self control is a deal-breaker.

Why Men Like Bitches is a good book.. it's by Sherry Argov.

[Lava_twilight]

He had no intentions of working things out or he wouldn't have let it get this far.

I hadn't thought of this x

After Friday I'm going to totally change my number as it is the only form of contact he has to me now....(blocked him on MSN & Facebook). Before then I'm going to make sure all the loose ends are tied....will have to go cold turkey without him...but if, after 5 weeks of total NC, I probably wouldn't be feeling as bad as I do now...? x

[sarah2]

I think that you need to work on yourself first. If he broke up with you just to sleep around then I wouldn't think he is worth pursuing. On the other hand, if you pushed him away by being too needy and unhappy then maybe you can do something about it.

[Lava_twilight]

I think that you need to work on yourself first. If he broke up with you just to sleep around then I wouldn't think he is worth pursuing. On the other hand, if you pushed him away by being too needy and unhappy then maybe you can do something about it.

He said he wanted space, 'to do the things his mates the same age are doing', ie lads holidays, clubbing etc. He didn't mention sleeping around, but now, looking back, that's clearly what he wanted - instead of being tied down. Actions speak louder than words I guess xx

Deffo, I'm not jumping feet first into another relationship for a long time. I know I've got issues I need to address with myself (And I know I took my anger out on him for what my ex-husband did to me). And I know that was wrong but when faced with a situation, I panicked...x x x

[Lava_twilight]

UPDATE:

Last night, I got a call from the ex. (He called from a witheld number so I didn't know it was him). He asked what I was up to - said I was off to the gym & then meeting friends afterwards. He seemed pretty peeved, and said 'but I like you the way you are'. Correction - you did like me, then you left me for a size 6 20 year old.... (when we were together, I hardly ever went out, now I'm hardly ever IN!)

He asked me would I ever get back with him, & what could he change to make things work? I've told him that if he really wants to talk about what's gone wrong, then not to do it on the phone & speak to me face to face on Friday when I have to see him. He said he's ending it with his new girl, and can't stop thinking about me.

Trouble is, I really think I'm moving on now, & right now I feel if we did get back together - I'd only be doing it to make him happy now. (How things change in 24 hours!). I'm happy with the little life & new friends I'm making. I'd never move back to London, & I know I'd always be thinking about them together. Oh god, I'm just ranting out my feelings, don't feel like anyone has to reply - just got to put things in words so I can reflect!

He said at the end of the call, he still loves me & has made a huge mistake. I believe him, but can't just forgive him - because he'll know it is easy to mess up & I'll be there to pick up the pieces....

Hmmm x