Does she love her job more than me?

[johnnyfallar]

Hello all,

I'm in a bit of a mental pickle, so I decided to crowdsource and hope that I can get some insight from you all...

My girlfriend and I have been together for 16 months. I love her very dearly. She works for a non-profit that really treats her like total shit. She works 7 days a week, 16 hour days, and makes very little money. Her job requires that she moves for the summer (April-August) and now she leaves 400 miles away. I even flew out to visit her not that long ago and spent 80% of the time in her office with her in another room while she worked.

We talk on the phone about 4 times a week and usually for only 2 hours total. She will more or less call to check in and then go to bed (which I totally understand working 16 hour days and all). I brought up that she should work less before and she got really upset and started questioning my support for her.

I'll also send her a few cute text messages a week and never get a response back. She said that she doesn't have time to respond, but appreciates them.

Her job is sending her to Boston when she returns and I told her I'm willing to move. I just recently found out that it's not required, but she wants to do the summer relocation next year as well. I brought up the fact that we would have a lease that I'd then be entirely responsible for and that I'd be away from home.

I really can't tell if I'm just being selfish or not, but I'm thinking about having that awkward talk of "Who do you love more: Me or Your Job?" I really feel like I'm second fiddle. I'm worried that I'm going to up-root my entire life for someone who is just dating me because I put up with her being so distant so often.

Would really love to hear your opinions.

--johnny

[Alvy]

Can't she find a job that offers higher pay with fairer hours?

[girl68]

She has no sense of work-life balance. I suggest you speak to her gently and try to get an understanding where she needs to learn how to balance both. If she can't then the decision is yours to continue to be treated like this, second best or if you can leave and find someone who is will be better equipped to handle a relationship and a job.

[LailaK]

Just be prepared. It sounds like she might choose her job.

If this is her life's work or her dream she probably won't be willing to put it aside for you. That doesn't make her evil, just means she's not the right woman for you.

[johnnyfallar]

@Alvy I've suggested that multiple times and she claims she "has no real skills". Which is totally bogus and I've even made a list of her skills for her. She's a very goal oriented person and most of the people in her job have quit because it's too much work for too little money, so I think a certain amount of it is pride and a self-assigned status as well.

I'm also a planner and she's totally not. I buy plane tickets months in advance, she buys them the night before. She deals with things on an hour-by-hour basis. Whenever I bring up things in the future tense, she gets really angry and calls me high strung when I fight back.

This is not to say we don't have good times. When she was home for the 9 out of 16 months, it was bliss. She's also the first person I've ever fallen in love with, so I'm finding it difficult to decide what to do.

[IndiReloaded]

She works for a non-profit that really treats her like total shit. She works 7 days a week, 16 hour days, and makes very little money. Her job requires that she moves for the summer (April-August) and now she leaves 400 miles away. I even flew out to visit her not that long ago and spent 80% of the time in her office with her in another room while she worked.

We talk on the phone about 4 times a week and usually for only 2 hours total. She will more or less call to check in and then go to bed (which I totally understand working 16 hour days and all). I brought up that she should work less before and she got really upset and started questioning my support for her.

Why is she investing so much time for so little? Is there the chance she will leverage this experience into a fat paycheque later? If not, she doesn't sound very smart to me.

I have no problem with non-profit and volunteering. I'm involved in a project myself, but I spend 2 - 10 hours a week (more like 2) on it, max. Its my fat-paycheque job that allows me the freedom to do these other things, and that is what owns the lions share of my resources.

Sounds like she may not know why she does the things she does. You could help her get some new perspective by discussing it with her. The fact she gets defensive means she already knows its a problem, she is having trouble admitting it.

[johnnyfallar]

Sounds like she may not know why she does the things she does. You could help her get some new perspective by discussing it with her. The fact she gets defensive means she already knows its a problem, she is having trouble admitting it.

That's an interesting perspective I haven't thought of. I always assumed she was defensive because she thought people were bombarding her life decisions.

She is not dumb, by any means. She got into a very exclusive college, got a 1480 on her SATs, and already passed the LSATs. Her initial intention was to do this program and parlay it into law school. Without getting personal politics involved (because honestly, I don't care about them), Obama did this program. It holds very high esteem with law schools if you complete the program because it's so strenuous. I think she's just lost and is too stubborn to admit it

I love her truly and dearly and want to salvage this relationship (hence the post).

[IndiReloaded]

That's an interesting perspective I haven't thought of. I always assumed she was defensive because she thought people were bombarding her life decisions.

She is not dumb, by any means. She got into a very exclusive college, got a 1480 on her SATs, and already passed the LSATs. Her initial intention was to do this program and parlay it into law school. Without getting personal politics involved (because honestly, I don't care about them), Obama did this program. It holds very high esteem with law schools if you complete the program because it's so strenuous. I think she's just lost and is too stubborn to admit it

I love her truly and dearly and want to salvage this relationship (hence the post).

LOL, well, the school I studied at has one of the highest concentrations of Nobel Laureates in the sciences. Sadly, they haven't given me one yet.

Its not where you get your education but what you do with it that is important. 'Dumb' is a moving target in life. Anyway, its possible she is paralyzed to make a good decision b/c of expectations that are on her, internal and external. Again, you can provide valuable perspective on this, assuming she respects your opinion enough to listen. Good luck.

[johnnyfallar]

bump

I'd like some more opinions

[Cbrider]

I love where I work and what I do - I put in long hours and an 8 hour day is a "short" day for me. That said, your girl has me beat at every turn. It almost sounds like she's obsessive-compulsive about her work beyond a simple explanation.

These academic before everything else, type women are something I have never understood. You CAN have a good life AND a good job. Balance is everything.

[johnnyfallar]

I want her to be happy, but I want me to be happy too. I want to find a middle ground and I don't know how to bring it uo without her getting upset and shutting down/not listening.