hurtn

[hurtn]

Hi there,

Thought i'd join this site to try and find some devine healing to my problem.

Basically the story is this. I am married for 2.5 years now and have no kids. The marriage is pretty rocky due to family and life pressures etc. I dont want to bored you with the fine details so i'll get straight to the point.

Today i found out that my wife has things to hide from me. I know this cos i accidently looked into her phone inbox of text messages (she'd forgotten to bring it to work). She is secretly in contact with a guy who she says is only a friend and that she is trying to help him with his relationship etc. She only said this when i asked her and after i find out offcourse. Anyway the text message wont dirty or anything, just that it's not like her to send such things...the worst that are on the phone is that she told him that she's alone and that ask him to call her at our home line. Now i am a shift worker and i work nights so whatever and for how long she'sa been contacting this guy i dont know but it seems as though it's regular.

When i found out i was shocked! as i would not have thought she would do such thing as to leave me out of what she says was an important friendship. I dont understand how if you love someone that you can leave then out of your life. I felt that she's going behind my back and do things she knows i hate (cos i'ma very jealous type). The fact that i cannot believe that she would do it, furthers my hurt in findout out that she did it. My heart is broken and so are my trusts in her.

Can someone help me what steps to take?

[toto]

I feel you you, i read messages on my ex girlfriends(we had broken up at this stage, and where friends) phone and discovered she needed the morning after pill only days after we broke up! Now your in one of those situations that because of the way you found out raises your suspision and once that gets going......

If i where you, id talk to the wife about this guy and get an idea of what is going on, but decretly! Indirect questions, even find out his story so you can offer advice. This way you find out the in side story

[hurtn]

The sadest thing is, when you think you have something going interms of a good marriage and everything is okie, and something of this nature happens.

In my head, i am always thinking of the times she said she not to disturb her as she will be speaking to her female friends and all along it's this guy. Also from now on what am i to think about her when i go to work at nights....

I dont think i can recover from this ordeal especially when someone you never thought would do things behind your back and who you always trust to do the right thing, no matter how big or small has done you wrong..

[appleCore]

Why didn't she want to tell you about this guy? Either she has something to hide (which seems unlikely because you found nothing suspicious) or she thought you would over-react to the situation (and possibly not allow her to speak to her friend again?). If you really think there is something serious going on between them that is a different story, but it appears to me as though they are just friends. Maybe she is looking for another guy to talk to because she feels as though she can't talk to you about some issues? Tell her you're OK with her having guy friends but you'd like to meet him. This way you can check out whether the guy is decent or not, and he will know you are in the picture, too.

You should talk to her about trust, because this is the most important thing that is bothering you. Tell her that it really hurt you that she was keeping secrets from you. Say that you forgive her and do not hold it against her. Make sure she is completely aware of how important it is to you and the relationship that she is honest with you in the future.

Good luck!

[hurtn]

I serious cant tell from what i have discovered that there is a 'cheat' in the pipe line. It is quite early i would think but nevertheless the connection has been connected. I did asked her why didnt she tell me but she just said there was no need to cos it's her friend. This gets to me cos she is not being honest with the whole thing. She tells me whenver she speaks on the phone in the room, that she's speaking with her female friends (the ones that i also know) but i know now that she's speaking to the guy cos of the text messages and that.

I'm not sure about asking her to show me the guy, cos she can always show me someone who is not him, a brother of a friend etc..

Anyway atm, i am always showing an angry face and block all attemps to solve things, would this be the right thing to do till i get my senses back?

I'm thinking of disappearing (go out) periodically in an attemp to make her feel that i am revenging her cos obviously atm i am feeling disadvantage. My feeling is that i want to get even. Would this teach her a lesson?

[hurtn]

Oh man...she knows i'm boiled and she is forcing me to DO IT!
This is hardly the right time to do anything let alone sex but she wants it cos she knows there is nothing that would calm me down. Is this bad? and why would she want to do it? is it genuine?

[Jenrick285]

Errr...
I don't think getting even will produce anything healthy in the long run, nor will going around looking angry and being a wall.
and have you told her how you really feel in terms of trust and how you feel lied to?
Women often make the mistake of assuming men know what their feeling, men just sometimes don't know how to express themselves concisely.
Talk to her and find things out

[toto]

I agree talk it out with her, you dont want a relationship where you put on these moods and attitudes to prove a point. Get to the bottom of things and clear your head one way or the other. Remember, she hasn't done anything wrong, and her only crime is helping a friend. You need to tell her how her relationship with this guy is effecting you and let her respond. I agree with you though, she has went about it the wrong way, so get that point across and ask how she would feel in your situation!

[hurtn]

Thanks for the replies guys. Well i finally got to calm down and we did talked rationally. I got all my questions answered etc but let i say, in my mind there's still this little element of doubt. Not that i doubt she's telling me lies but i kinda doubt the conection between her and the guy is gone. He has her work number and all...i suppose time will tell. I'm still feeling a little uneased at the thought og going to work at nights now...again only time will tell if anything is continuing or not. In all cases i am pessimistic and thinking it's a lose, lose case for me.

and have you told her how you really feel in terms of trust and how you feel lied to?
Women often make the mistake of assuming men know what their feeling, men just sometimes don't know how to express themselves concisely.

If i'm reading this right, it's correct that she doesnt know how i feel about things. She said that i need to tell her what i want and dont want etc. Like wouldnt she automatically know it being my wife and all?

[cbee]

Being your wife doesn't make her a mind reader.

[Draven]

hmm, if your wife calls other men late at night while you're at work, do you think you can trust her? dude, i mean if you confroted her about it, and she said just a friend, and you asked her if she could stop and she said ok.. but it still continued, i would say move on.. i think she's just bored, because you're at work at night, i suggest you change shifts.. or get her to understand taht by her doing this, it's hurting you in a hella bad way

[hurtn]

I would love to change shift, but that cant happen over night. I would need to find one and then assess it so i can quit and move to the new work. I dont mind downgrading my pay but it's heard to find a stable job. Looks like i have no choice then.

When girls get bored they'd ring their friends up, this i know but as to the consequences of the actions (or actual reasons) i dont know. It would depend on the girl wouldnt it? I knows she's works hard (6/7 days) and have next to nothing of free time to do anything so she'd be right to get bored. BUT being bored doesnt mean you do stupid stuff right?

From my experience with girls, they tend to listen to their close friends (hell i had lost my ex gf over her bitch friend!!!) but this is generalising, however i cannot prove it wrong either. That's how girls are and that's what scares me!

[KirstyM]

Like wouldnt she automatically know it being my wife and all?

Ehh NO! Do you automatically know what she wants?!! I think not - this is why communication is so important in a relationship because neither of you can be sure what the other is thinking so you have to tell each other.

Look you either trust her or you dont.

If you still have unanswered questions or doubts then tell her. Talk to her again, be completely honest about your feelings and thoughts, and chances are she will do the same.

Otherwise, if you do indeed trust her then move on and stop stressing over this - trust means you know she wont cheat so stop worrying about it.

If you dont trust her then you have bigger issues than this guy to worry about.

[hurtn]

Trusting for me is two folds, one is that you trust her (solely) to not do anything wong and the other is the trust you have with her whenever she talks to her friends (or at work etc). Like i say, girls are weak in that they cannot say 'no' and cement that no in everyone's head. Perhaps she's trying to be nice and doesnt want to offend but it is cruicial that she make things clear...that's she's married and does not want to ruin the marriage.

I trust her, but i do not trust the conclusion that might come about when she talks to her friends. This not trusting is deep due to the fact that i am not at home when she speaks to them, her, him etc.

I suppose changing my job would solve it all....and i am looking and have applied for one as i' am writing. I dont care if i go backwards in my pay so longs as i am at home every night. If something does go wrong with this new job (whatever and whenever i get it), then she will be responsible for it. BUT even if i am at home, and if it turns out that she is on the verge of cheating on me, then i cannot do anything (i cant be with her 24hrs a day).

I just hope, the saying "if it happens once, it will happen again" is a very generalised one.

[KirstyM]

Trusting for me is two folds, one is that you trust her (solely) to not do anything wong and the other is the trust you have with her whenever she talks to her friends (or at work etc). Like i say, girls are weak in that they cannot say 'no' and cement that no in everyone's head. Perhaps she's trying to be nice and doesnt want to offend but it is cruicial that she make things clear...that's she's married and does not want to ruin the marriage.

I trust her, but i do not trust the conclusion that might come about when she talks to her friends. This not trusting is deep due to the fact that i am not at home when she speaks to them, her, him etc.

I suppose changing my job would solve it all....and i am looking and have applied for one as i' am writing. I dont care if i go backwards in my pay so longs as i am at home every night. If something does go wrong with this new job (whatever and whenever i get it), then she will be responsible for it. BUT even if i am at home, and if it turns out that she is on the verge of cheating on me, then i cannot do anything (i cant be with her 24hrs a day).

I just hope, the saying "if it happens once, it will happen again" is a very generalised one.

Firstly - wtf - girls are weak??!!

Your wife is her own person, if you trust her then you have to trust her when she talks to her friends too. She can make up her own mind regardless of what other people say. Maybe you dont trust her friends but you should be able to trust your wife to be faithful.

Changing your job isnt going to solve anything at all, it just proves you dont even trust her enough to leave her at home for a night.

<< If something does go wrong with this new job then she will be responsible for it >>
What??! Care to explain that one?