vulnerable and confused... any advice appreciated.

[Witwer]

hi -
this is long,
so i apologize in advance.

i'm a 41 year old male,
widowed two years ago.
i have a six year old daughter.

earlier in the year,
i reconnected with a girl i went to school with.
she lives about one hundred miles away,
but comes to my town regularly to visit family.

she divorced about the time i was widowed,
and had begun dating a man in her town about one year ago.

as she and i talked,
i learned that she wasn't really happy in that relationship...
she felt like she had to be 'someone else' around him,
and she didn't have the emotional connection that she did with me.

we talked off and on over the summer,
and visited each other in person...
several times i pulled away,
as i felt i was becoming emotionally invested in her,
and she was in a relationship.
i did not want to be the 'other guy',
or set myself up for disappointment.

over the past month,
she became more verbal about her interest in me,
and said that her therapist had told her
'you're not married... may be you should just kiss him to see if you have any chemistry.'

she visited this weekend,
one thing led to another and we ended up sleeping together...
twice.

i didn't feel good about it,
and i feel worse now.

i asked her what it meant,
us doing that...
and she said she didn't know.

she said, although she still isn't sure about her current relationship,
she doesn't have a good reason to break it off with him just yet.

i feel as though i am a back-up,
a second choice, a place holder,
something.

i do have strong feelings for her,
but the distance could be a problem.

additionally,
i now have reservations about her,
as she has now cheated on her current boyfriend.
i never thought i would be party to something like that.
she could just as likely cheat on me.

i guess i am to assume a 'wait and see' attitude...
wait for her to make up her mind.
i have sort of said that i would,
which i now regret.

yet i don't feel i have the right to make any demands...
that could end whatever chance i might have to be with her.

i know this sounds stupid,
but if she were not in a relationship and hadn't cheated on him
(with me)
she'd be perfect.

am i a dope,
or what?

anyhow,
your opinions are appreciated.
w.

[Witwer]

bumping in the hopes of a reply.

[Danni85]

Hi. I think you're right to have reservations about her.

She has been clearly trying it on with you for a while... So it's not like a spur of the moment thing... While she is already in a relationship. You eventually relent and now she sees no reason to break things off in her current relationship?

She may well like you a lot. But it's not really enough is it? If it was enough, she would leave the other man.

And, like you say, if she did end up with you, how could you ever fully trust her when she cheated on her last partner?

[MerryH]

You're right, you don't have the right to make demands, but you also don't have to wait around for her just because you said you would. And sleeping with someone else is pretty much the best reason to break it off with a boyfriend. If that didn't make her realize that she's not happy with him, I'm not sure what would. You would be kind of a dope if you waited.