He just never appreciate..

[Abbiebee]

How to start...
We have been in love for almost two years now. We first met in Malaysia; we studied in the same college. However, we never talk, our eyes rarely met. One day, 02/03/09 he added me in HI5 (social networking) and we started to talk. The conversation was going on smoothly but nothing more than people who studied in the same college.
Then, we added each other in yahoo messenger. We started to share our problems. He started to tell me how stuck he was when he broke up with his ex and how much he was in love with her.
I was quite a good listener that time. I talked and comforted him. I felt nothing much more than a friend at that moment. I, myself also got some problems, the problem that buried deep down myself and never wish to let people know... We started to talk a lot in yahoo messenger. The conversation were cheerful sometimes. I sent him "you are my sunshine" song sang by a group of kid and cheered him up. This sounds a bit childish, I know, but this is the way I am.

I don't have any feeling at all to start the relationship with him because it was not long since i got to know him. However, on the 7th of march, when he was back from going out with his friends, he started to confess and he'd like to start relationship with me. I was kinda speechless cuz i never believed that this would come to the result like this. I rejected, of course. I told him it was not long since we got to know each other; i don't wanna be a replacement of ur ex and you are going to leave this college in two weeks time.

He didn't mind getting a rejection but he did tell me that he didn't ask me to start cuz he wanted a replacement. He felt that he found the right girl, the one who could cheer him up and cheer him up no matter what. I honestly, didn't believe at first. He was just whining about how much he loved his ex a couple days ago and now he told me he liked me.

However, guess what? I think my heart was not strong enough. I was so busy working for my exam and he went to the supermarket and made me salad. He called me to get out of my room (we lived in the dorm, different block though) and gave it to me. It was a box of salad and when i opened it I saw the word "Love u" that made from carrot inside. I felt so touchy.
Later on after the long night chat and some times eating out together, i did fall for him...
Two weeks later on the 20th of march he left. I sent him to the airport. He had our first kiss there... He went back to Cambodia (where we both originally come from) and I was still in malaysia. A couple months later, he came to visit me somewhere around April. We didn't hang out much that time and our relationship was still not yet open. My brother came to visit me on the same time with him; thus, i spent time more with my brother rather than him. He left on the 3rd of May.
On the 1st of June, he again came to visit me in Malaysia. That was so nice of him. This time he was staying in Malaysia for 19 days and we spent time with each other fully and it was the greatest memory that ever happened to my life.

After that 19 days, I prepared my document to come study to UK and I arrived Uk on the18th of September 2009. He was so mad at me for me choosing to go to Uk rather than Australia as he was preparing the document to go to Australia. I remembered that time i didn't like aussie at all and yes my parents did decide for me to come to UK. But I did regret for choosing this come here instead of Aussie. We began to be a part and love in long distance sucks. I cried almost everyday for the full year. I cried cuz of lots of problems. I didn't have any relationship with any guys, not even have a guy friend. I didn't go out much cuz i didn't want him to think a lot and he didn't make me worry at all about girl stuff. But i did cry a lot.. He was so protective and possessive and I believe for guys out there, you may understand what i meant.
People would ask why i still go on when I am suffered this mux... I would answer, I now live in the dream of our memories rather than living in reality. It was not much that we spent time together but those memories encourages me to move...

We flighted to meet each other in Malaysia from 20th December until 1st of January 2011. We fought a lot during our holiday but there were also sweet memories in there. I cried like crazy when i left malaysia. I even cried in the plane. When i stopped to transit at Dubai, my heart still hurts and I still can feel the pain right now. I still haven't forgotten that feeling yet.. It was so awful and painful. I cried and put the palm on my chest; I felt my heart gonna pop out soon. I knew he felt the same way too when he was back to Perth, Australia.

When i arrived UK, everything seemed to be alright, we skyped as usual. However, last week we fought and now we fought again and seems like there's no chance for us to get back to each other now. I am very busy with my uni work, exams, reports and everything. I need to find the place to live at the same time as I am going to be kicked out from my flat this 29th. Honestly, I am so exhausted.. last few days he kept being mad at me without reasons. I am a high-tempered type but i tried to manage my temper and though i talked to him back badly in the first couple mins I did talk to him normally sweetly the following minutes. Yesterday, when I arrived home I called him and told him about the flat and i was very very very tired. I was very very very tired cuz i didn't sleep much for I had to work on my report. I woke up early to the office to check out about my visa stuff and walked 30mins to other campus for my law revision class. Then i had to try to find flat and place to live like crazy. I walked a lot under the temperature of 2degree. I called him and he answered me rudely.. Oh my god, I really wanna scream to the world that, please please give my some motivation. He is the only one that can motivate me, give me energy and everything but he chose not to. He talked rudely and we ended up finding hard. He told me, everything i said on the other day about trying to control my temper is just a lie and stuff. He talked about how bad I was these days these weeks and blah blah blah. I was crying so hard and I decided to talk back. I said I was tired enough, i knew you are tired from work as well but just wanna let you know not only you that undergo the pressure.
I cried so hard cuz all he came up was how bad i was like, how wrong i was, how suck and everything i said was a lie. I cried so hard cuz i never a believe in this circumstance, the man that i love the most choose to help me this way, choose to help me to even more drown in the water... I ended up saying, just leave... Find the girl that is right for u. I dun think I am ur right one then. I only seem to have the bad sides. Why can't appreciate for who i am?
Honestly, i was so mad so yeah all these words came out. I cried yeah, really hard. I got some problems with my nose as i underwent two operations already and it bleeds and hurts my head like hell whenever I cry. He hung up my call and when i called him back just for a proper gudbye although he really wanted so much to leave me... He didn't pick up. I left him a text: i just wanted a proper goodbye.. so yeah goodbye now. I never believe u are like this. Just leave me.. you never appreciate for who i really am. My biggest mistake in life is knowing u...

After that text, i cried like crazy.. I screamed and cried till my nose bled, i cried till i was about to pass out. But i managed not to pass out cuz i had to work on my report. My cousin who lived in the room next to mine, IM me what was wrong. I was like nothing, i am alright. But inside, I am dying! I faked all these stupid smile. I fake all these stupid laugh.. I fake it cuz I dare not to let people know. I wish so much I could hug him and cried over his shoulder and told him how suffer I am now. I only can dropped the tears when I am alone. I felt my heart got a big hole there. When i smile, I felt the wound in my heart been rubbed with the tears. I went to shower just now, I cried out loud in the bathroom and I was so hurt.. Why everything ended up this way. Why the person that I love so much gotta act this way to me.

Can i believe in true love now? Can I?
Girls use concealer to cover the imperfection of their skin, I use the smile and cover the wound in my heart.
No one knows how painful I am now. I am soul-less. I worked on my report with only my body but my mind is somewhere so far away.....
I just need to be heard. It is so painful to hide every pain inside and let no one know... it is so hard to bear that pain..
My tears drop like crazy now when I am writing... I am so powerless. I don't know how to move how to go on.. I feel so heavy... so hurt... so painful and i feel i am dying bit by bit.... All the memories haunt me day and night, minute and second.. I think, i have a serious heart-broken..... What should I do?