Not happy with my situation

[AlwaysAnxious]

Hi,

I’m new to the message boards and I apologise in advance as this may be a long post. I’ve never written on a forum before but I’ve got a point where I don’t know where to turn to.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 8 months. After just 3 months he asked me to move in with him and we’ve been living together for 4 now. We’re both 30. I got the impression early on that he was very serious and wanted things to move quickly, which I was also happy with as I’m at an age where I want to settle down and have children. Before we moved in together we lived in different towns, about an hours drive from each other. It doesn’t sound like far but I live in Cyprus which is a small country and people consider a 15 minute drive to be ‘out of town’. We both had our separate lives in each of these towns until I moved in with him in his town. I couldn’t find a job there unfortunately so I had to take a job in another town which is an hours commute each way. It’s very difficult because I feel like I’m torn between three different places all the time. I said that I couldn’t continue as this was exhausting me and that I want to move back to my town and for him to move with me. He’s not working at the moment so he doesn’t have to stay in his town and I also feel that if we’re going to continue I need more of a commitment from him i.e getting engaged. I’ve been hurt before when I moved countries for a man and was walked all over and I don’t want to give up my life again for someone without knowing that it’s going somewhere. He doesn’t want to get engaged because he says he wants to be in a stable job before he does this. I’m finding this excuse unacceptable and I don’t know what to do now.

Please help. I’m so anxious about this that I spend all day at work with constant adrenalin rushing through me and I can’t relax.

Thank you for reading this.

[qwertz]

He's right, how can you plan for a wedding when he doesnt work? Is he willing to move? Is there more work for him in your home town? You need to build some stability before planning on marriage.

[AlwaysAnxious]

Hi, thanks for your reply.

I know that we can’t plan for a wedding yet as he’s not working. However I do feel that he can commit to me by getting engaged and then I would feel that my sacrifices and the effort that I put into the relationship are worth it and that this relationship is going somewhere. I don’t want to live with him anymore if he can’t be committed.

[knights68]

It is quite familiar the situation you are in, as I have been in a similar situation.
I dated several women over the years who lived an hour from me, or entirely out of state (one was an 11 hour drive away).
These long term relationships are nice.... and safe. Safe as in little accountability, little reasponsbility and in the end, little real face time where you do not really, I mean rreeeaaaalllllyyyyy get to know someone.

Me being the guy, I was always the one who went to them to see them. They NEVER came to see me and this was a little disturbing to me. And every relationship ended for the most part because it was an unbalanced relationship.
So after awhile, I stopped going to other places and set my criteria to be a little closer to home and my standards set where they HAD to come see me.

For the most part this worked out well. I met a girl who, it turned out, worked right around the corner from where I worked. How small a world. We've been together for six years now.

My long-winded points are as follows:

1) Moving in after a month or so is not good for you or him. For you, you are repeating the same actions as you have before, and I assure you, it will also end the same. Move out, and truly take things slowly. Moving fast would suggest one is desparate and more importantly, when you move fast, someimes you cannot see things for what they are until it's too late. Maybe 2 kids and an unemployed boyfriend too late.
2) He HAS to get a job. Otherwise, how can that be an equal relationship if you are footing the bill on all finances?

It's a bad situation you have found yourself in. So I would advise you to stop, take a close close look and yourself and what you really want, and move in that direction.