My boyfriend has low self-esteem. How can I help?

[inlove1990]

Hey everyone. Long time lurker, first time poster.

I love my boyfriend very much and we have a great relationship. I consider him to be pretty much perfect - he’s honest/genuine, respectful, extremely intelligent and kind. He cares about me very much and always makes me feel loved and secure. We share a lot of the same interests and values, which is good, but we also have very different personalities. He is a wonderful person with many good things to offer but unfortunately he has very poor social skills. He suffers from extreme social anxiety and lately he’s been feeling very negative about his life and himself. He doesn’t have any friends apart from me and has been in one relationship before ours. His life is basically on the internet. We used to be involved in an online community for a fringe interest, which is how we met. Recently the both of us have fallen out with those people and I think this has affected him more than he lets on.

These are some quotes from an email he sent to me today:

"This is a really low point in my life, if it wasn't for you being in it, I wouldn't feel good about anything. My health, all these social problems, don't like the way I look and don't really feel like I have accomplished much. Basically just a long list of negatives. I feel like nothing ever gets better in any facet of life.”

“I have no faith in everyday people anymore, everyone seems like a rotten piece of shit who wants you to stick your neck out so they can bite at it.”

“At the end of it all, now that the aftermath has settled, I'm the one with no friends, now on the internet or in real life. Which makes me think their must be something wrong with me.”


Some background info:

He’s about to turn 25 and he still lives with his parents and his sister who he hates. Up until this year he had been attending community college.

He gets headaches frequently and severe muscular/body pain less frequently. He hasn’t had health insurance until recently so he’s only now making plans to see a doctor about this.

He is a very attractive guy and various people have commented on it. He is a little overweight but I would hardly call him “fat” (he weighs about 210 lbs and is 6’ tall). It has never bothered me nor lessened my physical/sexual attraction to him. I knew he was conscious about this, but until this email I didn’t know it bothered him to such an extent.

I have always tried to be supportive and give advice in the past, but I can’t help but feel I might be going about it the wrong way. I need a fresh perspective, which is why I came here. I have suggested before that he might benefit from seeing a psychiatrist but he can’t afford to do so and furthermore I don’t want to seem dismissive of his problems by just telling him to see a shrink. I care about him, his problems are my problems and I want to help in any way I can.


So I would appreciate hearing what ye think of this situation. What can I do/say to help him? I will answer any further questions.

[VincenzoG91]

Try to slowly pull him out of his stifling routine.

Get him to go on long walks with you, outside, and maybe eventually start doing some running or other exercise. Regular exercise is not only healthy, but it also reduces stress and improves mood.

The two of you could pick out a new hobby to start together, ideally one which will bring you into contact with other people. Maybe the two of you could also start hanging out some with another couple, friends of yours. You could play cards, maybe go out for dinner and a movie as a group.

And try to get him to spend less time on the computer. Go to a museum, have picnic in a park, or go window-shopping together.

[inlove1990]

Try to slowly pull him out of his stifling routine.

Get him to go on long walks with you, outside, and maybe eventually start doing some running or other exercise. Regular exercise is not only healthy, but it also reduces stress and improves mood.

The two of you could pick out a new hobby to start together, ideally one which will bring you into contact with other people. Maybe the two of you could also start hanging out some with another couple, friends of yours. You could play cards, maybe go out for dinner and a movie as a group.

And try to get him to spend less time on the computer. Go to a museum, have picnic in a park, or go window-shopping together.

Thank you for your input. Our relationship is long distance so for now it’s difficult to implement those things, but I will definitely encourage him to exercise more and to spend less time on the computer. He started to use the treadmill regularly last year but stopped after a few months due to an erratic sleep schedule and fatigue. I definitely agree that he needs a change in routine. Depression and negativity often results from a monotonous lifestyle.