Coldness

[Zekk_T_Strife]

It's happening again. Senior year I broke up with Katie after a week cause of this and now it's happening again with Kendell. Ok ok, lemme explain what I'm talking about. When me and Katie got close I started feeling uncomfortable, REALLY uncomfortable. I don't mean physically close, not at all. But when we got close emotionally I freaked. I felt so weak, so open, so vulnerable, so helpless that I pushed away. I broke up with her and we haven't been the same since. Someone I used to talk to daily turned into someone I rarely talk to, maybe once every few months. Now I'm feeling similar things with Kendell. We've known each other for about 2 years now but we decided to be together just in March of this year. Things have been on the phone only since she's finishing up her school year in Michigan and I'm stuck in Indiana. But she comes home this monday. I'm really scared. I'm feeling so much like I actually WANT to be cold, like I WANT to be heartless but I love this girl to death. I don't want to push away. Is there any way I can deal with this? Anyone have any idea what I'm even talking about? Please I need help, I don't want to mess it all up again.

[Jay-Tea]

Loosen up pal, don't keep all those feelings pent up inside. Let it go. Let her know how you really feel. I know this is easier said than done. But it's a lot harder keeping it all up...more so loosing someone special again. There is no guarantee at all that in loving you won't get hurt. In fact, in any way, you can get hurt when you choose to love because you become vulnerable. But then, that's love...unselfish, patient, enduring and true. When you're true to yourself and to the one you truly love, you know you have loved and that's what matters. Whatever happens next is just a "bonus"...like icing on a cake ... smile!

[Zekk_T_Strife]

For a while there I thought no one cared, this post has gone unanswered for a few days.

[Killerbabe]

We care!! Personally I could've just missed that post cause of those stupid flashing signs, sometimes I forget which ones I've already read and which one's I didn't...besides, last night and today I couldn't even open my browser. Weird.

Whatever it is, don't break up, I know how you feel. Sometimes when you open up so much you feel like you're vulnerable and then she knows all the bad stuff about you, and that's just *not good* cause what if she thinks you're a wuss? And then you keep picturing to yourself all the bad things she might think about you, all the bad things she might say and do now, and then you start regretting that you even told her in the first place! Eventually, you're so stressed out, you start thinking that you messed everything and now it' all crap just cause you can't keep you're stuff to yourself. Ultimately, after cynical and assumptive deliberation you derive to a decision that maybe you hould just give up and since it's all *that bad* - you should break up.

Why not give it a try and jump head first into love - full of doubts, fears, and...risk.

[Jay-Tea]

So how're you and Kendell now?

[Zekk_T_Strife]

She seems really disinterested in me. When she was still in school in Michigan or visiting her father in Florida we would talk on the phone EVERY night. Now she rarely calls, she doesn't message me first when she gets online EVER, and it just feels like I've disappointed her. I dunno, I've pretty much convinced myself that she's going to let me go sooner or later but I'm going to try my best to be a good boyfriend while she still has me around. It just hurts to think about starting all over, I don't want to again.

[Jay-Tea]

Then tell her exactly the way you feel. Show her what's really in your heart...just like the way you're expressing yourself in your post. She may just be as confused as you are. And don't wait any longer. Tell her now

[Zekk_T_Strife]

I told her and now we're just friends. I don't really feel bad in being single again isn't bugging me, I just don't know if I really wanna start over again in finding someone new. I'd rather just give up the search now.

[Killerbabe]

Hmmm...that's pretty sad...I don't see why it just doesn't seem to work out with all those girls. Do you think it's because of Karli?

[Jay-Tea]

Hey, don't lose hope. Just take your time and take things as they come. Don't let one (or even two!) experience(s) discourage you competely.

[Zekk_T_Strife]

Well, see I don't like to start all over and begin a new search for someone special, but that feeling of falling in love.... I just have to try again. I never felt happier than when I was falling for Karli or Kendell. I'm going to try to go back to college this fall and who knows, maybe I'll meet another sweetheart with a "K" name and I can feel that feeling again.

[Jay-Tea]

Maybe you don't really have to search. Because sometimes searching disappoints us or makes as weary.

Maybe you just have to wait and see where or what life brings you.

After all, life is always full of surprises