can't get over her but she already has bf...

[remini]

I don't know why every time when I feel better, then I just found I am still in depression. No one ever understands how depressed I am just like the heart is burned and it is just so painful!!!!! ever since I saw her again in the graduation ceremony... I really seriously need some advice from
you guys!!!!!

It is just like all the effort is in vain. After 3 years, I still can't get over her things, and I still can't be a better guy, comparing to her pathetic boyfriend. There is just no way for me to escape from this!!!

I thought I had completely forget about her in my mind, after going to the new place that is very different from the past, and after not meeting her for more than 2 years. In the new place, I had my new life and new love went on. (although the new love didn't work out since long time ago, and you might know if you read my posts earlier. ) Before I saw her again, I did think I've already moved on, and that was why I decided to see her. However, I was totally wrong.

3 years ago, I was her very good friend, and it was so happy to be with her. I studied with her every day, went to the lunch and dinner with her every day, and talked with her on the phone every day. However, when I was about to let her know my feelings for her, suddenly she just had this new boyfriend, who is really pathetic but has a good career. After that, she still spent most of her time with me, and I felt more painful cuz why she could be with me all the time but her heart was never there for me??? so that was why I chose to leave her alone drastically and moved on for my new life.


There are bad news every day, just like I am seriously cursed. I really don't know why... 3 years is a long time, why I still can't get any good chance? Why can't I at least just forget about her?

Now I have two choices. I can be her good friend, and wait the chances for me in the long run, or I can close all the communication with her to see if I can forget about her.

If I want to be her good friend, I will have to endure enormous amount of pain. The most painful thing is that I might actually help her boyfriend to solve the problems in the relationship. He can spend less time to take care of her, cuz I am there for her, so she won't see the problems, and their relationship will be great forever, and I truly don't want to see that any more, cuz I had enough hard time 2 years ago, and that was why I chose to leave eventually!!!

So, another solution is to close all the communication with her, and I just did this for the past few years, not picking up her calls, blocking her on online chatting, avoiding any place she might go, and being cold to her if I really saw her. However, I wonder if she ever "sensed" my signal in the past..., or even "think" why I had to disappear from her all of a sudden, otherwise she would not invite me to her graduation. Most horribly, I might still can't forget about her. So, maybe I should tell her directly to keep distance from me, but this would be very cruel...

I hope I can decide quickly, such as tomorrow, and whatever I decide, I will not go back any more. The cruelty is that no matter what I decide, there are always the possibility for even more painful things to happen. My life is really hopeless and helpless if I keep being out of luck as now, no matter which way I go, and that is why I am really so depressed!!!!!

[peshkunta]

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time. But, I don't understand why you can't be just her friend and enjoy being with her. Why do you have to be more than a friend.

I think it is cruel to cut communications with her like that - I have that done to me quite a few times by now ex-friends that wanted to be more than friends. They wouldn't speak to me because they didn't want to get attached to me. I can kinda understand that, but at the same time I don't. I can be friends with anyone...even someone I really like and have feelings for...and knowing that I'll never be more than friends with that person doesn't make me said. Friednships last longer anyway and seem to be more genuine.

Another thing. You seem to have entirely focused on that girl. Focus on yourself. And focus on the good things not only on the bad. Enjoy the time you spend with her and don't have expectations.

I hope this helps you. If I can think of anything else, I'll write again.

[Jay-Tea]

Sometimes, we all have to go through bad times so we can see good times in a deeper perspective. Pain has its way of teaching us important lessons in life. It also has its way of developing that which we call maturity. Some things/circumstances are really hard to accept. But then that's life. And everything that happens in our lives has its purpose. You may not understand it right away but someday you will. Take this time to grow. Cry all you want. Allow yourself to express the pain you feel. And then you'll see that the day will surely come when you've gotten over it. I cannot tell you exactly how it happens but it will. Soon you'll realize, you're actually over it. Stronger and wiser. And it all starts by letting go.
Take care.

[ViSionS]

Well, I do know what you are going through. When I was 22 I fell in love (true love) for the first time in my life. We took the relationship pretty far. We were engaged for a year and a half and we had a kid together. Our son, we gave up for adoption, but that's a whole different story. Well, 3 years ago, she got married to another guy. I'm almost 29 now. But even before she got married, we got back together for a short time, maybe 2 months before it blew up in our faces. We didn't speak for a couple of years, and now we see or talk to each other pretty much every couple of days sometimes more. Now what I know from this experience is when you experience true love, and I mean the real deal, you know, a lot of different things come disguised as love, but definately aren't love. But when you do experience it, it is my opinion that it never realy goes away. I've layed awake at night (recently) and cried over this girl, wishing I had made different decisions along the way, but I always manage to convince myself that it happened the way it did, and I can't change that. Would I jump into a relationship with her now if the oportunity presented itself? I can't say for sure, but probably not. We are doing good as friends, even though I know we both go through some dificulties over a love that won't realy ever die out completely. So I guess what I am saying, is the key to dealing with this kind of situation is acceptance. You are going to have to accept that you have feelings for and will experience some pain associated with that weather you remain friends with her or not. It will get easier as time goes on. You are also going to have to accept, at least for now, that the person she is with is the person she want's to be with, and no matter how bad it looks to you, probably nothing you say or do is going to get her to see that. Believe me, my ex's husband is a real piece of work, and no matter what I have said to her, she has had to figure it out on her own, and she is finally starting to see it after 3 years. It's ok to be her friend and look out for her best interest, but you gotta figure out where her best interest becomes your best interest, and draw the line there. Now don't get me wrong, if I didn't believe that you loved her, I would say distance yourself from her more, and allow the wounds to heal more naturally, but love isn't something that comes along very often, at least true love doesn't and I don't think it would be right to try and dismiss that. It's difficult and confusing at first, but once you get the hang of it, it is possible to express that love as a friend, rather than a lover. I'm not discounting the fact that every situation is different, and I can only offer advice based on my own experience, but damn, your situation seems so much like mine. And the pain you expressed in your posts, is very familiar to me, and this is the way I have managed to deal with it. I hope this helps.
ViSionS

[ViSionS]

I thought I answered your question about why you are having such a hard time getting over her, but I may not have been clear. It's because you love her. The real kind of love, it seems to me that you might not understand what that means which tells me that this is your first experience with it. Believe me, I have yet to experience it again. And maybe if/when that happens, it will allow me to finally heal and I won't have to go through the pain that I go through with this. But until that does happen, I won't know, and I have a feeling you won't either. I'm not saying that you're life is going to be miserable because you have this monkey on your back, I'm just saying you are going to have to make some adjustments on how and where you channel your emotions. I know it seems hopeless at times, but I know if you put some effort into it, you can deal with it in a healthy way, at least I have managed to for the most part. Another thing I noticed in your post, you said something like the worst part is, you might be the one that helps him work out his difficulties in the relationship. Now, I know you have this longing to be with her, and it is easy to focus on that, but try to remember what true love means. It means you care about this persons happiness regardless of what you have to do to help provide that. If that means helping her current boyfriend work through the difficulties of the relationship, then that's what it means. In fact that was one of the things that helped me identify that you truely love her. The fact that you (reluctantly) were willing to help her be happy, even though it might cripple a chance to be with her again. Well, I won't ramble any more, I just felt I needed to share my experience with you since our situations are so frighteningly similar.
ViSionS

[giggles]

it is really painful to lose someone you love especially to someone else. think about yourself... look at her. she's happy with someone else. don't you think you deserve to be happy too?

accept the fact that she doesn't want you. go find another girl. and believe me, there are lots of girls waiting for boys like you. you just have to move on, refresh and find that special someone.