Would you rather...

[searock]

Say that you are being dumped by somebody with whom you've shared a committed relationship for a considerable amount of time (>6months at least). You are still in love with the person who is breaking up with you. They are breaking up with you not because of any particular event (like cheating or interest in somebody else or moving to another town or anything), but simply because things weren't working out. In other words, you are now facing the fact that the other person isn't in love with you, therefore doesn't want to be with you anymore. The other person knew you very well ever since the relationship had gotten "serious", so it's not like they "discovered the real you" halfway through or anything: it's been you all along.

What would hurt you the most between coming to know (for certain) that:
(a) they had never really been in love with you at all, or
(b) they just stopped being in love with you at some point?

[maxmax]

That's a tough one.

All l can say is, it'd hurt either way.

[tremolo]

B. Definitely.

[tremolo]

Unless of course they were incapable of being in love at all. Then A.

[Vanessa]

It would be a sh*t situation either way but I guess it would be worse if I'd been falling for someone who never truly had feelings for me. I'd feel as if I'd been feeding off an illusion our entire relationship.

[searock]

Hmm I'm a bit surprised by the results... I think the thought of "something wonderful that is now lost for ever" would positively kill me! Instead, if I thought that he never really loved me, I could transform the excruciating pain into anger, and convince myself that it never was right to begin with and that someone like that doesn't deserve me anyway, I'm better off on my own rather than believing in something that isn't true, etc...

[MaidenMinx]

Is this a situation occurring for you now? Have you been able to ascertain which it is?

Falling out of love happens less often than realising you never really loved someone.

[maxmax]

Surprised so many people have gone with the first option.

If someone falls out of love with you, then at least they 'were' in love with you at some point, and what you had was real.

If they never loved you, then what you had was empty; a lie. There is no consolation in that.

[searock]

Is this a situation occurring for you now? Have you been able to ascertain which it is?

I was the one who did the breaking up, and my ex boyfriend is the heartbroken one. After over 2 years of a beautiful relationship I sort of realized that I really wasn't in love with him, and never really have been (obviously I started having doubts long before that, but didn't break up before because I did love him a lot). I love him tenderly, as a family member, always have, but I'm just not in love with him. I have never told him "I love you" in a romantic way, but "only" as I would tell my brother or a really close friend or stuff. And he knew this. But still, he might have at some point believed that I was in love with him (even if only because I was still together with him after such a relatively long time)! So, if we are ever going to discuss the reasons of the break up again - after 3 months he still has problems talking to me cause it hurts too much - I don't know whether it would be best to tell him that I never was in love with him or rather to let it go, talk about other reasons instead (they do exist and are very strong, perhaps even stronger than this one... not being in love with him was a necessary condition in order to break up with him, but not necessarily a sufficient one). Of course it would be the truth, and I believe the truth is always the best option, especially if he really believed I was in love with him at some point. I don't believe in "falling out of love" when it comes to me - if I'm in love with somebody, it's for life, I know it. But then I really don't want to hurt him even more. I know that if I were him, it would hurt less to know that he never was in love with me, cause then I could get mad and transform all the pain into rage and resentment or stuff. Of course it would still hurt like hell, and I'd feel like I've been made fun of (regardless of the fact he never had me actively believing he was in love with me), but that anger itself would give me strength, I think. I do realize that when it comes to love issues I tend to have a rather "controversial" way of thinking, so that's why I'm curious as to what others think...

Surprised so many people have gone with the first option.

If someone falls out of love with you, then at least they 'were' in love with you at some point, and what you had was real.

If they never loved you, then what you had was empty; a lie. There is no consolation in that.

The fact that it was real at some point is precisely what would make it unbearable for me... I'd just keep thinking about those times over and over again, wondering what the hell happened to make it all go away and wallowing in delusions about it ever coming back, it would have me stuck and depressed for ages!! On the other hand, if it wasn't true love all along, it'd be "easier" for me to get reeeal pissed off and to vent it all into anger, rather than depression... it still sucks of course, but in the end I'd rather hate another person, than myself, I think..!

[maxmax]

But people fall in and out of love. As hard as it is to deal with, it happens.

I'd rather have experienced something that had meaning; not a deception.

[HeartIsAching]

I sort of realized that I really wasn't in love with him, and never really have been (obviously I started having doubts long before that, but didn't break up before because I did love him a lot). I love him tenderly, as a family member, always have, but I'm just not in love with him.

That "I love you but I'm not 'in love'" with you stuff is a bullshit excuse you tell yourself to make yourself feel better about ripping someone's heart out. At least be honest with people.

[Kyrina]

I would rather have had them in love with me then not, the good memories hurt and so they do if someone says i was never in love with you because if they was never in love with you then the whole relationship is/was a mockery,no one likes to think all the time in that relationship was nothing more then a hole to fill and time to waste

[MaidenMinx]

Why is he still trying to talk to you? Is he a masochist?

You broke up with him and you are not responsible for how he chooses to feel about that nor can you influence it. All you are responsible for is being honest to you and him. I do believe you should have broken up with him as soon as you realised that you loved him as a friend and not as a lover, though you can't turn back time and do that now.

Take your lesson from this and move on.

[Yet another guy]

Very hard choice.
If she never loved me, I could rationalize that I didn't lose anything and should be relieved to get out of such a lie.
On the other hand if I knew somebody has loved me, it'd be easier to believe that someone else might too.

Edit: However, there is a much easier choice. I would only ever want to hear the truth. Even when the truth isn't what I'd like it to be.

[searock]

That "I love you but I'm not 'in love'" with you stuff is a bullshit excuse you tell yourself to make yourself feel better about ripping someone's heart out. At least be honest with people.

I'm sorry that you see it as an excuse, but it really does happen, it has to me and I know it's the truth. I really do care for him as if he were part of my family, he has been, and still is, a huge part of my life, and I do really love him. And yes, I am not in love with him. I know it hurts to have it said to you (I know what it feels like from direct experience, it sucks), but that doesn't mean it's (always) not true. I know I've broken his heart and I feel horrible for it - it's one of the reasons I waited so long to break up with him, I couldn't stand the idea of making him suffer so much. I definitely am not looking for excuses, I know how much I've hurt him and deserve to feel bad for it. If I had acted earlier, he probably wouldn't have suffered so bad (same thing for me).

I would rather have had them in love with me then not, the good memories hurt and so they do if someone says i was never in love with you because if they was never in love with you then the whole relationship is/was a mockery,no one likes to think all the time in that relationship was nothing more then a hole to fill and time to waste

I believe that two people can have a good, beautiful relationship even if they are not in love with one another (as long as they love each other, of course). Sure, it's not "the real thing", but as long as things are out in the open (i.e. they both know that neither of them is in love with each other) then it can still be a positive, fulfilling experience. It can also be a good thing (in my opinion) if only one of the two is in love with the other, as long as they know that the other is not back in love with them. My relationship with my ex boyfriend was of this sort. I told him several times (ever since I realized it) that I was not in love with him, so that if he wanted we could have stopped seeing each other, but he always insisted for us to keep the relationship going anyway. (Personally, I don't think I could stand to be in a relationship with somebody I was in love with but didn't love me back, unless I was entirely blinded by love or stuff).

It would be a lie if at least one of the two told the other (or had them somehow believing) they were in love with them, while in fact it wasn't true. Then the whole thing would be based on a lie, and in the end it would suck, for both.

Why is he still trying to talk to you? Is he a masochist?

You broke up with him and you are not responsible for how he chooses to feel about that nor can you influence it. All you are responsible for is being honest to you and him. I do believe you should have broken up with him as soon as you realised that you loved him as a friend and not as a lover, though you can't turn back time and do that now.

Take your lesson from this and move on.

You're right, I should have broken up straight away. I just couldn't get myself to it, I would have hated to break his heart - I know that all I did was just delay it all, therefore making it eventually worse, for the both of us. And all the times I told him I wasn't in love with him, he was the one to keep insisting for us to keep seeing each other as a couple. I sure hope that, if I ever find myself in a similar situation, I'll gather the strength and independence to break up as soon as possible. Waiting and hoping for things to magically change just makes things worse, when they finally happen.

Very hard choice.
If she never loved me, I could rationalize that I didn't lose anything and should be relieved to get out of such a lie.
On the other hand if I knew somebody has loved me, it'd be easier to believe that someone else might too.

Edit: However, there is a much easier choice. I would only ever want to hear the truth. Even when the truth isn't what I'd like it to be.

I hadn't thought about the idea that "if somebody really loved me, than somebody else might love me as well". It does makes the decision harder! But I still think I would hurt less if they had never really been in love with me. Anger beats depression no matter what, in my experience. It would still suck of course!!
I completely agree with the truth thing. But it's not really part of the choice, as it's given for granted. It's just about deciding which truth would hurt the most.