Seeking advice on getting my girlfriend back...

[hallos]

Dear forum people,

I found this forum today and decided to register and post my story, hoping to get some feedback and advice following a "breakup" with my girlfriend

To put you a little into context:
We are 31-33 yrs old, relationship has lasted for just over 3 1/2 yrs, it started as a long-distance relationship, then she moved in with me (different country) and for the last 2 1/2 yrs we have been dependent on me financially since moving since she could not work in this country.

The relationship wasnt going all that well the past year or so and its very possible I was to blame for this, not paying her all that much attention and dismissing her attempts to fix things. Having said that, I never disrespected her, cheated on her, or anything of the likes.

Evenually, she cheated on me over the internet (sex chat, no real life sex), I caught her after 4 months of this happening, she told me all sorts of lies like "its only been going on a few weeks", "i was feeling bad and was about to stop it"... after a while the conversation turned to "we need to be apart for a while", "i need some space", "your behaviour made me do this", and "i love you but am not in love with you anymore".

At this time I was obviously extremely angry not just about what she had done to me but at how she didn't even want to try and resolve the problem, I felt like she just wanted to be apart so she could continue chatting with this other guy...

When I was looking for tickets to send her back home, I had an "aha" moment where I realised I really loved her and I had acted like an idiot in many ocasions during our relationship. I don't think what I did justifies the cheating, but I can accept that I wasn't the best man I could have been for her. So I broke down, I became this pathetic, low self-esteem, needy person, and just kissed her ass for the following 1 month, taking her out for meals, shopping, buying her anything and everything she wanted. Asking her to reconsider the us being apart and just give the relationship a last chance, now that I feel I have really changed my attitude and I am willing to prove it to her.

But no, she didn't want to hear anything about it, she was very happy when i bought her shoes, or we went for her favorite take-away, but as soon as I mentioned the possibility of trying again she said she needed to go home and think...

In the meantime, I discovered she was still texting and chatting with the guy she had cheated on me with, despite my requests to end all contact. Unfortunately I dont know what was being said in those texts, she wouldnt tell me and she was hiding her phone in a way such i could not get a look at all.

So I find myself in this situation where I am meeting her every need, I am going out in the middle of the night when she fancied a snack, making financial efforts to buy her things I should not be buying given financial situation, and she can't even commit to give the relationship a final try, and all the while she continues to talk to Mr. internet-guy who lives many hundreds of miles away and will probably never meet. She tells me they just remained as friends, I personally do not believe this and i am really struggling to accept it.

I have told her I have really changed my ways and I am ready to be the man she always wanted me to be, I know the things she wants because she has told me in the past, she wanted marriage, kids, get a home together... I was never interested in discussing these things, now I have realised I want her to be my wife and I am willing to move our relationship forward, and she replies with "I am happy that thanks to me you made these realisations, it will make your next relationship a much happier one", it sounds pretty obvious she has no interest in me whatsoever despite the fact she DID very much love me and was in love with me once, that much I am sure of. It seems like the more attention you pay to someone, the less they want you. And it hurts REALLY bad.

So after about a month of me being this neediest person and doing absolutely anything and everything she wanted to try and get her to stay, I went ahead and bought her the flight ticket home since she insisted she couldn't make a decision while still being with me and needed some time away from me to think. Before leaving, she wanted to go buy some presents for her family.. of course i paid for them, I took her to the airport, I paid for her extra luggage, she had some cash i had given her over time, and on top of that I added another £100 to her bank account so she could basically eat and buy basic stuff since she had no income here I wanted to make sure she was ok back home.

A day after she went home, we talked on the phone, she told me she loved me and missed me, but still hasnt decided if she wants to come back with me or not. She has her father in hospital who's just had an operation and is to stay hospitalised for a few more days.

Another day passed, we talked again, she was feeling down and depressed because apparently her mum told her they were going through financial difficulties due to his dad's hospital fees, and struggling with basic things like buying food as a result, she was basically implying, without saying anything, that I should take care of this. I feel like I am just a credit card for her. I am getting 0 love and affection from her ever since the day i confronted her about the cheating and the following month of ME trying to fix the relationship, probably this other guy she talks to on the internet is getting all of that... and all I get is being asked for more and more money in one shape or another, I have told her that I need her to commit to give our relationship one last go so that I can take care of everything, but she wont do it, says she is not comfortable with my offer being conditional to her coming back with me, she feels as if "I owe her" this much for all the bad times we had while we were together and she wants me to give out the money unconditionally.

I don't know what to do.

This is not a money issue. I could pay whatever needed, I am just extremely uncomfortable about the fact that I may give her more money only to find out next week she needs even more. I have alarm bells in my ears telling me this woman may just be taking advantage of me and I am a stupid gullible man and believing everything she says. However I do know she loved me deeply once and this is what keeps me believing...it seems we have swapped positions in the relationship, now I'm the needy one and she is the one hurting me.

The one thing I do know and this is where I would like to focus this forum thread: I love her and I want her back. I know many of you after reading this will say "dump her and run as far as you can", but I can't do that... I love her, I don't want anybody else and I have no motivation to get up in the mornings when she's not next to me. I am confident that if she gave us another chance, given that my feelings toward the relationship have changed radically, we would be good together, I just need to convince her to take that step.

I would be very interested in hearing your opinions as to what to do next, below I have suggested some questions...

- How can I make her be more interested in me other than with my credit card?
- Should I call her everyday while she is away, or is it better to leave her alone and let her miss me? (I am afraid she will just get used to being on her own or talking with this other guy and wont miss me at all though)
- If I do call her, should I avoid bringing up the issue of getting back together? for how long?
- Should I pay for her parents hospital fees if she doesn't want to be with me anymore? (she keeps saying she cant think about romance while her father is in hospital, what I hear is "I am not interested in you unless you can pay for this unconditionally")

Thank you very much.

[videoangel]

Hi there, it does sound like you're in a bit of a dilema. The problem is, the radical change in YOU. Ok, you changed very quickly, but to her it seems too quick, so she can't figure out how genuine this is. And is it? That is why she's dragging on the relationship. She does love you, but being very weary of you. It's really NOT the money, all she's really doing is taking extra time to figure you and the relationship out. It's YOU that keeps doing the whole money thing! And that will make NO difference to her, believe me. Whether you gave her more money or just simply supported her with kind will absolutely make no difference to her or the situation. I think you should stop using MONEY to get her to believe your case, and just stand by her, don't leave, be patient, don't get angry or pissed off with the situation. What she is actually waiting for is to see how deep your commitment is to her, and paying for stuff will not prove this to her... thats just a cop out, and she probably sees it as one too. Women don't actually care about money, well some don't anyway! And it's pretty clear she doesn't. She might appreciate the gesture, but is obviously not basing that on helping her make a decision about you. So you're wasting your money on that one. What she wants to see is you sticking around. Tell her that you will prove youre there for the long run, and that you feel trying to BUY her love back is WRONG, and misleading... and so you will not do that ANYMORE. Tell her that if she loves you then when she is ready to decide to come to you, that you will be there for her. Thats ALL you need to do at this stage, and get OUT OF THE PICTURE, for a while. That will save your money, and will also offer the right setting for a REAL relationship to happen.
Good luck.

[hallos]

videoangel, insteresting points, I will think about those, thank you!

The only thing that really bothers me, and which you haven't touched on, is this other guy in the picture. She "cheated" on me with him over the internet and as soon as I sent her back home, she started talking to him again several hours a day, I have no idea about what... but I don't think it will be small talk, while asking me to give her space. I am happy to give her all the space she needs but if she is still cheating then despite what I feel for her i think I should walk away... it's just that no matter how many times I ask her she will not confirm if anything is going on between him and her, keeps saying its just friendly chit chat... she knows I cannot sand the thought of her talking to this guy given what happened and yet she still does it, should I believe her story, or is she just trying to hurt me so I get fed up and leave her because she cant bring herself to tell me ?

[videoangel]

When someone cheats it's usually because they feel something is missing from their current relationship (and it's serious). If she's continuing to talk to him then you should take that as a major hint to move on. She may still have feelings for you, but if she has already cheated it means that she was already partly over it for whatever reason. Pretty hard to try and salvage something that is partly broken already for her, too late I think. Plus, if you continue it, you will always remember she cheated, and although you might be all into winning her back now, if you did win her back, it won't be long before the hurtful memories come back into your mind, and then you will start playing up. It's just a bad situation all round and one that isn't salvageable I think. Good luck.

[gardenofjade]

Maybe the sex with you isn't that good. I don't mean to be so direct but you sound like a really nice guy who is caring and sweet. Girls like a certain amount of danger and intrigue to make them feel sexy. No one wants to be treated like a mom, sister, indentured servant, or tag-along. Treat her like a sexy woman and see what happens. Do you talk dirty to her?