Finding it hard to get over her after such a long time

[Mr_Spooge]

Basically me and my ex broke up over 4 years ago now and I just can't get her out of head. After we broke up we stupidly tried to be just friends and it didn't work as we kept having sex. Then in late 2009 she found a new boyfriend and we didn't really talk anymore until earlier this year. I found out from her that this new boyfriend is abusive and he had hit her and he is a good 10 or 11 years older than her as me and her are both 21. She came to me telling me about all this and that she wished she'd have given me a second chance (even though she cheated) and that she was sorry. We then went out for some drinks with two other friends and I ended up back at hers and we had sex. Then a week later we arranged to meet. Just the two of us and on the way into town her current boyfriend rang her and she lied to him on the phone in front of me. After a lovely evening of drinks and chatting we had sex again and then after she finished work the following day she came to mine and it happened 3 more times. This was back in march and then when I saw again a few weeks later she told my best friend I was getting too close to her at the pub and got annoyed with me on the way home. She just disappeared from my life until July when I attended her birthday party and her boyfriend was there.

In front of me she declared to her friends that this guy was her boyfriend as they hadn't met him nor did they like him due to his actions. I was kinda ok with her by this point anyway as I hadn't seen her for a few months and seeing them together didn't really upset me. At one point I saw them walk away together to be in private and I didn't really think much of it. Fast forward a week later at another party I made a concious effort to be friendly but keep my distance and then I found she approached me and at one point was playfully trying to take my boots from me and she kept playing with my hair and sitting near me. After a few drinks she fell asleep on my lap and I woke her to take her indoors were it was warmer and then she decided that she was gonna sleep in a chair. I was confused as she was playing it being close to me and then at the end put a stop to it. I decided to walk home at this point and didn't see her for over a week.

At another party we got chatting and got close and ended up leaving the party at 4am to go and have sex in a field we use to make love in back in 2007. It was too far to go so we just ended up doing it in another field. For me it was very romantic and special. Then at my party 2 days later we got up early the next morning to do it again. Then we spent the day together chatting and being flirty. She invites me to something that evening and then walking back I said to myself "I'm not gonna invite myself to stay over. I'll wait till she asks." She did ask and I stayed over and nothing happened that night. The next day she came back to mine and yes you guessed it. We had sex again. Also when we first started going out we use to play Halo 3 together and she picked up my copy and asked "If we could play it for old times sake." Which didn't help my mind or emotinal well being as i'm trying to get over the past.

I didn't see or hear from her for 3 weeks at this point. All this time aswell she has been with her current boyfriend and I hate to admit it but it's hard to feel bad for him as he is a pig and a disgrace as he hits her. Still doesn't justify it I know. Then on a night out again she came back to mine as whilst walking back she said she wanted to watch a film with me. I knew what she really wanted at this point. It happened again. Next day we did it a few more times. Following week she comes back to mine again. On the way home she is all over me begging me for sex. It happens again. Next morning I walk her home and there is a gift in her house from her current boyfriend. It was an apology gift. Which was awkward. I get on really well with her parents and her mum looked at me as if to say "Great. Here he goes again."

I then spent the day with her and then we watched a film. For real this time. After the film at about 11pm she turns to me after looking at a message on her phone and after saying "Interesting." she asks if I could go home. The tone dies down and she starts getting annoyed with me so I left. Next time I see her she is acting abit weird with me and some guys started calling her sexy and saying they were gonna give it to her so I got defensive over her and the situation had to be calmed down. Then whilst walking back she is really moody with me and says the sex meant nothing and it was hollow to her and she doesn't love me or anyone else. When I offered to walk her to her door she snapped at me and walked away.

The following week on a friends night out she walked away when I apporaced her and her sister as I was meeting them and she came back with her dad. He is a brilliant bloke and I shook his hand just like always and he said to us any problems just give me a call. I felt it was odd she walked away as soon as I came into sight to go and get her dad. The night itself was good and we chatted at times and got on. Then when I offered to walk her home again just to be nice she said no in a harsh tone.

I was feeling low all last week and then I said to myself "I've had enough." I gathered all the gifts she had given me and I threw them into the nearby lake where we use to meet when we first met. I said to myself it symbolised me letting her and the past go and this was a fresh start for me. I felt really good.

The next night I met up with a friend of mine and my ex showed up to the pub which I wasn't expecting so it really tested me. I did well though I was polite and normal with her and she seemed a bit more responsive to me than she has been. I couldn't help but notice but she was more responsive to my friend and laughed at what he said and played with her hair. I did the right thing and moved away from the situation by going to the cash point with another mate. I felt pleased with myself by letting them get on with it. After a while my phone went off and it was her ringing to see where I was. Then she told me she was going to be leaving soon as she wanted to get home so I was like ok cool. I thought it was odd to ring and let me know she was leaving soon as she still seemed annoyed at me slightly for how defensive I had gotten over her a few weeks before hand. Whilst saying our good byes to the people leaving she gave me a bit more of a hug than usual. When she hugged my mate she said "i'll see you thursday." After she left curiousity got the better of me and I asked my mate what it was about and he said she starts the same college course as him on thursday which made me feel jealous as I saw them getting close ealier that evening. My other friend told me also that once on a college trip they cuddled in a bed together and this was when she was with her new boyfriend. I could of spoken to him last night but I didn't say anything. I felt it was best to leave it.

I'm now feeling nervous and upset as I think they're gonna get together and be a couple. It's gonna hit me like a ton of bricks if that happens. My friend is a great guy and all but it's gonna cause a rift as i've been played around and now it looks like she likes him. Each day I find myself thinking about her constantly and going over stuff again and again in my head. Thinking stuff like "Yeah this is a fresh start now focus on yourself." Then 5 minutes later I think of her again and have to encourage myself again and again. She's the only girl i've ever had sex with and been with in a special way. That of course making her my first love which makes it harder. I want to move on and find someone else but she is all I think about. I know on thursday i'm gonna be feeling shit knowing they're gonna be on a course together and getting closer. I just feel used and hurt. I don't understand why she came back after a few years and made me feel special and then got annoyed when I had feelings. How can I move on after all this and what's the best way to deal with my friend and her possibly getting together?

I know there's a lot to read but thanks for taking the time to read it and any responses are very much appreciated. Thank you

[smackie9]

I can tell you this, you have a misconception of who this girl is. From an outsider's point of view she is a cheating whore. From what you have described, she has been using you and others for booty calls, she just can't keep her legs closed. There is nothing romantic about getting a call to go F uck in a field somewhere. The way to get over her is to see it for what it is.....she is not this lovely creature that loves you, she is a skank that has low self esteem, and doesn't respect herself. A big loss cause. It has made you so short sighted, that all the real opportunities that have walked by, have been horribly been missed by you. You wasted 4 years on a slut that doesn't give a crap about you. Now get you head out of your ass, ditch this bitch for good. Go no contact, delete her off FB, her number, block her, etc, find a new social circle and develop some self worth.

[Wakeup]

She came to me telling me about all this and that she wished she'd have given me a second chance (even though she cheated) and that she was sorry. We then went out for some drinks with two other friends and I ended up back at hers and we had sex.

She cheats on you, she cheats on the guy that hits her, she cheats herself.

She hoovers you back with her vagina like it was an industrial strength vacuum. What's wrong with you, Spooge that you'd fall for pussy like you have? Surely you can pull a chick that is SANE for goodness sakes?????

Dump her ass. Take that ritual of dropping her crap in the lake as gospel and get the hell away from the Boarderline Personalitied loser you are addicted to. (Google BPD and see if any of that rings a bell when it comes to her). It's likely she has suffered some really horrible abuse as a young girl and it will take years of therapy to get her head on right. You DO NOT want to be involved with her because she will bring you down to her disfunctional level before you'll ever be able to bring her up to half-ways normal.

See the real picture here and quit whining like you actually want to be with a person of her caliber. Google "codependency" and "White Knight Syndrome" and maybe see if any of that rings a bell about you.

[Mr_Spooge]

Thank you to you both for your responses I found them both very helpful and alarm bells starting ringing in my head and I have really taken it in. I feel a bit weird and sick at the moment but I think it's because it is just setting in and hitting home. I appreciate that you took the time to respond and help me I googled all of those things Wakeup and they pretty much hit the nail on the head. Thank you both for your honesty and telling it like it is. I agree I became so short sighted that I couldn't see how it was and in my eyes she could do no wrong when it was all wrong.

[IndiReloaded]

She hoovers you back with her vagina like it was an industrial strength vacuum.

LOL! Best post of the day here.

Oh, and I agree with the others.