My Long Term Girlfriend Wants To Do A 24 Day Euro Tour Alone To Find Herself

[ryangler]

Hi Everyone,

Me and my partner have been together coming up 7 years in Feb, we have had many highs and some lows together over this time but overall I believe we have been happy together. We moved in together about 18 months ago and things have been going well up to about 2 2/2 weeks ago where I offered to give her space and she accepted. the lead up to this was we weren't connecting very well, I was preoccupied with 1st work 2nd hobbies and 3rd my relationship which naturally resulted in her feeling unappreciated and disconnected. We had discussed similar issues previously on about 2-3 occasions at which point we discussed it committed to making changes, but life look over again and not all the changes where put into action.

On this most recent confrontation of how we are feeling some deeper issues came to light. After doing much reading I have come to realise that the 2 main issues that are causing a lot of these smaller problems are trust and communication which I believe we can work on. Admittedly though I did get involved with another woman about 2 years ago, which I seriously regret to this day and was the biggest mistake of my life to date. Having said that when it all unfolded it turned out that my partner had meet a guy and gone out on a couple dates, but nothing else came of it as around the same time I had earlier came to my senses, started to realise why and what I was doing, and pushed this other woman away and tried to start to mend and reconnect with my partner. I do believe my partner when she said it was just a couple dates and a kiss.

Some points that came out of our most recent confrontation was that
- she felt she was unsure of who she was as a person
- needed to establish within herself why she was with me
- she said she knew she loved me but was unsure if she was in love with me (disconnected)
- feels we have different priorities at times

A result of all this was that she wanted to go on a 3 week euro trip (not at contiki piss up party tour a proper sightseeing culture experiencing tour) by herself to clear her head and find herself. The significance of this trip is also that when we started dating we had always talked about traveling Europe together, she is a nurse so her skills are universal and always in demand whereas I took a career change from Banking and Finance 6 months into meeting and am working towards establishing my own building company. Due to this I don’t have the ability to work abroad for months at a time so we compromised by committing to a 5 week South American tour at the end of 2013 start of 2014. I feel there may be a little resentment there though, that she feels she would have travelled more, earlier, had she not been in a relationship with me.

Since the initial confrontation we have started to talk again and I believe that she want us to work and build a future together but still wants to go on this euro trip alone as it will push her outside her comfort zone, face some of her insecurities about doing things alone, meet new people and help her grow personally. I am finding it hard to come to terms with how I feel about this as I have conflicting thoughts and feelings about it, as I’ve always wanted a relationship that promotes growth as a couple and individuals and I wouldn’t want to stop her from doing something she really wants to do.

The first questions I asked myself are
- Am I concerned/ insecure about her coming back, growing as a person and not wanting us anymore? Yes at first I was till I realised the alternative was worse, living a lie
- Am I jealous that she will experience things without me? I don’t believe so

Then asked myself why it’s important for her to do this and do I agree with those reasons
- To grow as a person? yes
- To be outside her comfort zone and face some insecurities? Yes
- to establish why she is with me? Yes, but I think this is a mute point as I believe this 2 ½ weeks apart has helped her establish most of this

The problem/ conflict for me, with her doing this trip alone is it goes against some of the things I believe are important to build a strong relationship like,
- The importance to grow and experience new things together, especially life changing things like experiencing Europe for the first time.
- The importance to maintain equal amounts of personal growth within the relationship so the equilibrium is maintained and the two people feel connected and on the same page.
- That when you’re in a relationship with someone you should want to make plans and build memories together.

So what are everyone’s thoughts on this will my partner doing this trip alone be positive or negative for our relationship?

Just to clarify we have travelled before, within Australia and to Thailand, together and we had a fantastic time. I can afford to go on the trip and I could take the time off work too, but I don’t want to invite myself and ruin her experience.

Thanks Ryan

[smackie9]

This isn't about traveling this is experiencing life without you. Take it as you will, you can't stop or control the end results.

[smackie9]

We need ages please....

[ryangler]

Thanks, I'm 27 my partner is 26.

[smackie9]

OK this tells me that she never really had the opportunity to go clubbing, flirting with other guys, feel desired, be single as an adult or experience other guys sexually. It's a no brainer she wants to know what else is out there she has been missing.

[ashley89]

I didn't read the whole thing but I got the jist. I would say let her go, either way whatever happens things will work out as they're supposed to. If you let her go and she has fun and comes back to you, it means your love was meant to last and your bond is strong enough to endure her going on this trip alone. If for some reason something changes and you don't end up together, maybe that is a sign too. It's like that quote "if you love something let it go, if it is meant to be it will come back to you".

[Boisdevie]

The holiday is a result of how the relationship is now and for me the two big issues are these: why did you have a 'relationship' with another woman two years ago and why did she go on dates and kiss another guy. To me both these things indicated serious problems with the relationship because I don't believe people who are in a happy fulfilling relationship would do this. It's that that needs addressing, the holiday is irrelevant by comparison.