what does he want?

[clynn]

I dated this guy G____ for about a month or so last winter. We hit it off pretty quick and things were going well. Although I was somewhat nervous and scared about getting into a relationship and apparently so was we because after a month he suggested that we "slow things down" (though of course he'd been the one setting the tempo)....I suggested instead that we perhaps just stop seeing each other. Which we did.

He let me know that he'd just got out of a shortish crappy relationship which had followed on the heels of a longer term serious one and he felt he needed time to sort his head out.

Fast forward 6 months, we see each other at a function for a club we belong to and hang out for the night together. We end up going home together.

I left it at that and thought, ah well, perhaps its just a 'hook up' thing. But he has been phoning me up, we've had several good conversations on the phone. Normal everyday stuf and also some talk about life and values in general.

This past weekend he phoned me up and asked me to go to a party with him and to let him know later that night if I was interested. I phoned him later, but he wasn't at home (I didn't chase him down on his cell). I eventually went out and did something else, he got home, got my message and then phoned and said he was disappointed I hadn't tried to phone him on his cell.

Also, he is travelling through a part of the country where my dad lives (who he has never met) and so he is going to visit with my dad, and my dad has offered to show him around (I explained to my dad he is my "friend").

Anyway, there feels like there is nervousness and hesitancy on both sides, but I'm not really sure.

I just don't know what is going on. Is he keeping in touch with me just so that he can travel and visit my dad? What's that about? Or does he want something more...or....just to keep me around.....or because we belong to the same club is he trying to keep things smooth for friendship?

H.E.L.P !!

Thanks!

[whaywardj]

You're asking too many serious questions, too fast. Just relax and let things reveal themselves in their own time. You have a deadline or something?

[artyemi]

Don't we all? j.k

Lay back (or is it is lie back, whj?) into the dark blue sea and let the waves take care of you.

All the whys and whats will only create more whys and whats.

[whaywardj]

Vernacular: "Lay back." King's English: "Lie back." Depends on who yer talkin' at. And, yes, I agree with this post. (Sorry I ever asked the first question about anything...only led to more damned questions...driving me friggin' nuts....)

::walking off into the sunset mumbling to himself::

[clynn]

hi,

well i guess that i just have a hard time with that. Silly me I guess. I want to know so that I can feel secure, so that I can relax, so that I can make plans....all that stuff.

also because we dated before I am just wondering if it is possible that we are dating again? I can't tell.

Is that a good idea? Should we reopen this?

Well, like you said, too many questions....

so the Question (ha h ahahah) now is.....I know that it is something I'm interested in, but i would like to remain cool, without being cold and without being too hard, ... as in, I think if I'm starting something up with him again, I want to bring my heart into but how do you balance (and should we?) by being open and loving but also protective of my own heart and not coming on too strong.

And then I also wonder about things like dating other people, and if I do, should I tell him? When we talk we generally reveal what we've been doing, etc. The last time we dated, I would skip over the stuff if I was out with another guy (even if it was just a friend).

Thanks!

[whaywardj]

Just be honest about how you're feeling at any given time and express it. One thing will naturally lead to the next. Literally. If the one thing is an angry or hurt thing, like bringing up old grudges, what follows it will be anger and hurt. Keep it simple and honest as it all is in the present. Once you're comfortable with each other in the present, maybe then you can both come to terms with what damage you may have caused each other in the past. I wouldn't try to resolve any old disputes first, though. I think the word for it is "forgive."

[clynn]

Thank you.

I'm not really too concerned about bringing up old stuff. I can forgive and forget quite easily (I think). I sat the other day to reflect on my feelings after we had stopped seeing each other, and as we hadn't really dated for too, too long, they didn't leap to mind too easily and although I know there is stuff there, I don't feel too eager to try to remember details or anything. After all, what is the point of that.

Of course it is a little difficult to keep it in present, because although he is phoning regular, I do have a difficult time feeling secure in knowing that it will continue, but of course that is the same as it would have been in a new relationship (I would imagine).

[whaywardj]

Don't you find the anticipation at all thrilling? Or is is just tense for you? Are you expecting something specific out of the second-time-around? Or are you keeping your eyes open for new things you may not have seen before?

[clynn]

Don't you find the anticipation at all thrilling? Or is is just tense for you? Are you expecting something specific out of the second-time-around? Or are you keeping your eyes open for new things you may not have seen before?

....I don't know, actually. I find it thrilling, maybe...but I worry about being let down and worry that maybe there is actions I should be thinking about or should I have done this or that or......did I let him know I really wanted to be with him? Is he shy? Because I faltered about that, will he think I'm not interested...? Or, the exact opposite also, ... Should I have asked him to do something....? All that sort of stuff.

So sometimes its just fear of being disappointed. Hmm, that's silly isn't it? Cuz, really it wasn't like I was too upset when we split before, well, okay, kinda sad, but I got on with it. Like if someone says they're gonna phone, that they phone....that sort of thing. He always did before but for some reason I still get antsy.

And, yah, I guess out of the 2nd time around I'd like to move it from dating to maybe something more exclusive. I mean, sure, we were exclusive before, but, I don't know. Guess I'd like to see where it goes. Maybe try stuff like introducing each other to each others friends and stuff.

Hey, good questions.
Thanks again.

anyway, he phoned. i just listened to the message. i will phone him back right away! He even sounds a little nervous. aaaahhhh.

[whaywardj]

Happy Reunion. Good luck.

[clynn]

AAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaah. We had a fun time this weekend. He came with me to a party and so it was cool to have him along, he sure can enjoy himself in a room of people he doesn't know. A quality I certainly respect.

We'll see if / when we go out again. Tee, hee. Hopefully I won't get so whiggy in anticipation, waiting, waiting.

Arrrgggh......