Friendship vs love.. what to do??

[Iaminlove10]

Hi,

This issue has been going on for me for some time now. I am in college, and I knew this girl through Facebook before even joining college. Personally we met in August last year and of course became friends as we were both new students and only knew each other. I started liking her and in September I confessed to her my feelings, she refused but wanted to stay my friend. We stayed friends and I continued helping her a lot, gifting her, being there for her and staying pretty much lovesick. In late October, she had a fight with me and stopped talking to me for around 20 days, later she sent me a message saying how sorry she was and wanted to be my friend again. So we became friends again and just when I had thought I had atleast started to move on, I became crazily lovesick again. She is a very mysterious girl, the mystery that intrigues me, she is single, with no crush yet, she is very sweet to me sometimes, very rude sometimes too, she never used to accept my gifts before but now even though she refuses at first, she does accept them, she likes me sketching her and I have sketched her for her many times, she knows every single thing about me even wishing me new year at the exactly 00:00 of my country's time when I was back home for the winter last year. Its fun spending time with her, I enjoy her company, we eat dinner together every night, spend weekends having fun together, but she is pretty firm to our mutual friends that she doesn't like me and won't give me a chance eventhough she knows I care for her a lot. But the point is, she is a very stubborn girl, even if she might know she is wrong about something, she continues to stand by her previous opinion. I don't know what to expect. We will be studying together for atleast 4 more years and she is an awesome friend I don't wanna lose our friendship, but I like her too and want to take our friendship one step ahead. Should I let things happen as they are and go by the flow? or should I do something like stop talking to her or end our friendship or what?

Thanks for the help! I really appreciate!

[searock]

Oh jeez… why are you doing this to yourself? Of course you should stop hanging out with her, it's only making you miserable and stuck. You need to move on and in order to do so, you need to go no contact with her. Say hi when you meet her in the hallways, but other than that, don't be in contact with her.

You are delusional if you think she rejects you because she's stubborn. She rejects you because, even though she enjoys your company as a "friend" (you two aren't really friends btw: unless two friends are a couple, friends aren't infatuated with each other, even if only one-way), she isn't romantically or physically interested in you. The sooner you wrap your head around this very fundamental fact, the sooner you'll be able to let go of her and move on.

This has been a learning experience for you. You have (hopefully) learned that it's never a good idea to try and make friends with a person you are attracted to. If you're attracted to someone, let them know asap. If they reject you, you won't care that much, since you didn't know them and you weren't attached. If they accept to go out with you, then yay, you have a chance to see if you're compatible. It's a win-win. If you try to "make friends" with someone you're attracted to, there's a very high chance that it will lead to pointless heartache - especially pointless because it could have been avoided, had you made your interest clear straight away.

[Boisdevie]

One of my rules has stood me in good stead over the years. If a girl won't let me get in her pants then leave her alone and find a girl who will. You, my friend, are wasting quality shagging time following this girl around.

[Iaminlove10]

Thanks for the advice, I realize its best to end all contacts with her but I don't know how, we share classes, we live in the same dorm, we have so many common friends, we are part of one small group of friends who do everything together.. How do I, all of a sudden, completely stop talking to her? Help me find an escape route? She isn't those crushes that you meet once in a while and dream of, we are part of an environment where we are almost always around each other and will be for 4 more years! Help me find an escape route!

[searock]

You don't have to completely stop hanging out with your group, but definitely stop hanging out alone with her and being in contact with her online or via texts and so on. This means no more chatting, no more texting, etc. Even block her on facebook… no need to remove her from your facebook friends, just change your privacy settings so that she can't see what you post and you can't see what she posts.

Also, make new friends, hang out with other people.

[smackie9]

Here is what you do....stop acting and doing all the things like you are dating. Stop hanging with her, going for dinners and giving her gifts. Then tell her you need some no contact time between you for awhile so you can ween yourself off obsessing over her. Remember all you are to her is a BF without benefits and you will never ever have her for your own....such a waste of energy.

On your time away from her, start chatting with other girls whether you are attracted to them or not. This will give you good practise when you are ready to date other girls. I bet if you had put the energy that you had into her, you would have a GF by now. So time to get on it and get busy with other girls.

[TheEvilJester]

I have personally always been of the opinion that being friends with the opposite gender is perfectly fine. Some of my best friends currently and in the past are/have been women. I also don't think it is as black and white as to say that you shouldn't be friends with somebody to whom you are attracted.

To me, the bottom line, and most important distinction is can you really see being just friends with them? In other words, in the event that being in a relationship is not possible for any reason (one of you isn't interested in that, one of you is already in a relationship, etc.) can you see being friends with this person without it causing you torment, while still trusting that you won't just keep trying to cross that line, and without allowing your friendship with them to hold you back from potentially finding the real thing with somebody else?

If remaining friends with them means you are secretly just waiting around hoping they become available, or become interested in you, then that isn't really being just friends. That is causing yourself heartache that you don't need. If remaining friends with them means you aren't pursuing a romantic relationship with anybody else, then that also means you are causing yourself undue heartache and you are not just friends in your mind.

It sounds to me like you fall into this latter category. It does not sound like you feel comfortable being just friends with her, because you want more. So, for you, I would agree with the advice the others have been giving you. It may not be easy, but it is for the best. You need to move on and find somebody who will appreciate all of the nice things you have been doing for her.

[Rowen]

I repeat my question from the other thread: Why would you want to get involved with so many troubles?

I think it's best to move along and find someone else. This is obviously not healthy for you at all, just as searock stated.

[Wakeup]

I started liking her and in September I confessed to her my feelings, she refused but wanted to stay my friend. We stayed friends and I continued helping her a lot, gifting her, being there for her and staying pretty much lovesick.

The lament of a MALE girlfriend.

[smackie9]

It sounds to me like you fall into this latter category. It does not sound like you feel comfortable being just friends with her, because you want more. So, for you, I would agree with the advice the others have been giving you. It may not be easy, but it is for the best. You need to move on and find somebody who will appreciate all of the nice things you have been doing for her.

That is why I say never be friends because he can't handle it. It was completely directed at him, I wasn't speaking generically.

[H2024you]

Most girls that I've been friends with and spent a large amount of time with I've ended up sleeping with. We usually stay friends afterwards, but we have a different kind of friendship. Like we can joke around about sex and personal stuff and critique each other. This is why I've never understood guys who hate the friendzone. If you're going to spend a large amount of time with a girl as a friend you can probably work your way into a relationship or sex(depending on what you want) but you have to be careful and not try to hard and she has to be sexually attracted to you. No one falls in love at first sight with a personality and if she's thought about sleeping with you and just wants to be friends...you can evolve that into more.

[smackie9]

That isn't being in the friends zone. The friends zone is when they don't want sex just a BF without benefits.

These guys are usually without confidence or looks so they figure if they are friends that is a sure foot in the door only to find out they are their emotional tampon as they boink their best buddy instead of them.

Speaking from experience I have never "evolved" beyond friends. There would be nothing to change my mind on that. I knew I wasn't sexually attracted to them from the beginning. So "evolving" isn't really true, those girls do have an adjenda, some are just slower to react or expect some chase first more than others.

You being an attractive, confident guy, you would never have that issue like these guys on here have. You have what they don't have obviously.

[TheEvilJester]

That is why I say never be friends because he can't handle it. It was completely directed at him, I wasn't speaking generically.

Indeed. I wasn't directing my comments specifically at you, they were just generic as well. A lot of folks on this board tend to suggest people shy away from friendships with the opposite sex completely. I personally disagree with that. As I've said, some of my best friends ever have been and currently are women. It's just a matter of whether you actually can be just friends with them. It isn't good to remain friends with somebody if all you really want is to be more than friends. Then it is best either to make a move if it is possible (they are single and have not yet given you the "just friends" speech) or keep your distance if it is not, for any reason.