Advice/need to talk

[beatpirate]

Hi everyone,

I 'm new here, but I guess online is the only place I can get this of my chest.

Right now, I am in a long-distance reationship since about 5 months. The second time I came to see him, I got the feeling something was wrong. It just stayed at the level of suspicion though.(getting up early in the morning to be online etc) I fully trusted him. So now, I'm back, first week I got here, I found out he was virtually cheating on me, he had this 'friend' who he talks to/mails, for two years. He met her *tadah*, online during his marriage, the marriage wasn't going to well, and she offered a nice pass time-support to him. He visited her, no chemistry, nothing happened. But online, the flirting stays the same. I know that they could never be, but this annoys me terribly. So when I caught him sending those sexually tinted mails to her, and him joining date sites , sending very sexual mails to others, I was nailed to the ground. He had also met up with another girl at a concert earlier. He told me, because of the distance, he wasn't sure I was serious about it. You have to know, I have chatted with this person for about 10 hrs straight for days and days, we click perfectly. I cried my eyes out, and the worst part is that I can't tell anyone, since I dont' want to come across as a fool to family & friends.

So I asked him to stop writing to her. I thought he did. Untill after a month I found out he started again. ( I got suspicious after him waking up early again) although, he was only emailing her, not others. I asked him to make a decision, can only hope he sticks to it.Huge fights, I asked him to delete everything remotely referring to her, and here we are. It's hard for me to trust him. I KNOW that he loves me, he sold the only piece of art he owns to get money for a plane ticket and does a lot for me.

I have to go back home soon, far away and I do not want to at all, I'm afraid.

Anyone got any advice or opinion on this ?

Thank you,


C.

[shh!]

(sigh) All I can say is that it seems that he has a long-established pattern of this sort of behavior, so he is very unlikely to stop, and he will drive you crazy making you wonder what he is up to while you are away. If you can't live with him doing this (and *I* wouldn't) then you ought to cut your losses. And for the record, I would avoid long-distance relationships like the plague. They are usually problematic.

[Ellynn]

Yes......I had an ex who I caught doing the same thing. The only thing is that he DIDN'T live far away. Our relationship didn't last that long after that.

But seeing as you too live really far away......you don't get to spend alot of time together. Some people are totally good with long distance relationships. I knew a friend of mine who did that and it worked out when he finally moved to be w/ his gf. But then its really rare. It sounds to me like he wants someone closer to him.....someone he can spend time with on a day to day basis. But even if you did .....it sounds to me like nothing would really change. I mean you said he did talk to/flirt w/ this other woman while he was married at one point.

If there is that much insecurity I say cut your losses now....and find someone else.

[beatpirate]

Yes......I had an ex who I caught doing the same thing. The only thing is that he DIDN'T live far away. Our relationship didn't last that long after that.

But seeing as you too live really far away......you don't get to spend alot of time together. Some people are totally good with long distance relationships. I knew a friend of mine who did that and it worked out when he finally moved to be w/ his gf. But then its really rare. It sounds to me like he wants someone closer to him.....someone he can spend time with on a day to day basis. But even if you did .....it sounds to me like nothing would really change. I mean you said he did talk to/flirt w/ this other woman while he was married at one point.

If there is that much insecurity I say cut your losses now....and find someone else.

He did... he claimed he did that because he was always alone, which makes me wonder about us.. He told me he wants to stop doing it because all of his exes all had trouble with him talking to her, he wants to think 'rational'.

I don't know, I wrote him a letter, I'll talk about it with him later today.

[Ellynn]

What I dont understand is if there is no chemistry between him and this woman and he has no interest in her romantically/physically......that he is sacraficing his other relationships by flirting/talking to her online openly.

Also....you should not have to worry about leaving your man alone. That should not be the reason you decide to stay with him/or possibly someday move in with him. There has to be trust in a relationship. You might as well end it if there is none. No one should be expected to be around/stay with someone 24/7 to watch them. Its unhealthy in a relationship. You also need to be able to let each other have personal space without feeling threatened....or insecure.

He says hes gonna stop talking to this woman....but so far he hasn't kept his word. I don't understand the attachment. I don't understand why he doesn't stop when he knows it bothers you and other women(in the past) so much.

[Axel]

I'm sorry to say this, but shh is right. If a guy starts something he enjoys, he is very unlikely to want to stop. If you enjoy sex and are told not to do it anymore, would you stop?
I got into a lot of trouble when I was younger. My parents found out I was sneaking out at night with mates and banned us from seeing one another. Within 3 months time, we were back at it.
The point is, we guys are very stubborn. Hate to put it this way, but you can either love him or leave him.

[beatpirate]

What I dont understand is if there is no chemistry between him and this woman and he has no interest in her romantically/physically......that he is sacraficing his other relationships by flirting/talking to her online openly.

Also....you should not have to worry about leaving your man alone. That should not be the reason you decide to stay with him/or possibly someday move in with him. There has to be trust in a relationship. You might as well end it if there is none. No one should be expected to be around/stay with someone 24/7 to watch them. Its unhealthy in a relationship. You also need to be able to let each other have personal space without feeling threatened....or insecure.

He says hes gonna stop talking to this woman....but so far he hasn't kept his word. I don't understand the attachment. I don't understand why he doesn't stop when he knows it bothers you and other women(in the past) so much.

I didn't get that either. He says it is because when he got separated from his wife, she was there through all rough times.
He told me he has stopped contact with her no, I can only hope so.I know personal space is important & I want to trust him again, although we both know, that at the time, it's not possible, I need to build it up again.
I have my doubts about people changing too. But I just hope that he rationalized the entire thing and saw this didn't fit into our relationship.

[beatpirate]

Anyways,
this is intimate, but here's a pary of an e-mail he wrote me.

You are on my mind all the time.
My heart aches.
All my dreams are tied up with you.
You're all that I want.
I never thought I was lucky till I met you.
I miss you terribley.
I feel worse knowing that you are tortured by doubt in me.
My love..... I am being honest, and will continue to be.
I want to caress your hair right now.
I'm sorry, I'm so sorry I have to cancel the trip.
Please don't hate me.
I will e.mail you more tomorrow.

I love you.



Any thoughts ?

[smilesalot]

i think you want us to say everything will be alright and make excuses for him and his poor behaviour. i think you know deep down that you are gasping at straws here.

you have to ask yourself if you trust him. if you do then go for it again, but i dont think you can and i dont think he can be trusted. without trust no relationship is ever going to work.