My boyfriend is lazy, at home all day and won't clean, gets mad when I ask?

[LucyBelle82]

Hello all! My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years. We live together and he has been off work for 6 months due to illness. Hopefully in the next month or two his doctor will approve him to work again. In the mean time he is home all day while I'm at work and NEVER cleans. When he does it is very minimal. I asked him to clean our guest room 1 month ago and he STILL hasn't done it! If I bring it up and ask him if he will please clean it he gets frustrated and angry with me for asking and just says that he will, but it never happens. What can I do to get through to him that it's frustrating to me to come home after 12 hour work days and find him watching TV in his pjs and telling me how tired he is?

[Wakeup]

Write him a letter and tell him to contact you at (insert where you'll be here) when he's cleaned up the spare room. Then leave until he contacts you.

Failing that, hire a cleaning service to do the job.

You can't make a grown man do something he doesn't want to do. Maybe you could call his mother and rat him out?
Or...
You could only cook dinner for one until he gets to it. Be sure to make "mmmmmm, good" noises while you eat.

Seriously though.... You really can't make a grown man do something that he doesn't want to do so I guess the trick is to offer him something that will make him want to do it? Only you would know what that "something" could be that would entice him enough to get crackin.

[basilandthyme]

Good points from Wakeup.

Just one thing I want to suggest - do you think he could have depression? Has he always been lazy or is it just after the accident? It's just that the physical restrictions following a significant accident can put one in a depressed state.

Sure, he could be just lazy, but clinical depression can remove all of one's motivation. If so, addressing the depression would be the first step towards fixing the laziness.

[TheEvilJester]

Agreed with both basil and Wakeup. Firstly, unfortunately if it has been this much of a struggle to get him to clean that is unlikely to change. If that is just his nature, and you've already been trying, it seems unlikely he will change. Does that make it okay? Absolutely not. You are working 12 hour days. He's home all day. Yes, it is due to medical reasons, but unless he's completely invalid, that shouldn't stop him from doing something constructive with his day rather than to just sit around all day in front of the TV.

Different people have different philosophies when it comes to cleaning. However, this to me doesn't sound like an issue of you being a neat-freak, or you two simply liking things differently. This sounds like he basically NEVER does anything and if it were left 100% up to him, he'd just never clean and live among his own filth. To me, that is just unacceptable.

Now, all that said, basil is also correct. It could possibly be the result of depression and not just him being a lazy turd. Do you see any other evidence that could be the case? If so, then encouraging him to get help could hopefully help to improve the situation. I know first hand how a particularly bad depression can cause you to lose all motivation to do anything. Even to take care of yourself. If that is the case with him, then trying to get him to clean will likely only add to the problem even though you really are right to feel the way you do.

On the other hand, if he really is just lazy, then that is probably not going to change. I know this may seem like a little thing and not a reason two people are not a good match, but things like that really aren't necessarily as little as they seem. Not that I am saying people having two different life philosophies on cleaning is automatically a reason they are not a good match. It's just that it can be a big problem if you are having to work long hours and still constantly feel like you have to be the one to do all the chores. That is not okay.

Now, hopefully I am just over-reacting myself, but I can relate to the feeling of feeling like you bend over backwards and do everything and your significant other does nothing. I know the feeling of practically bending over backwards to do your part only for the other person not to return even one ounce of effort.

If he's not going to change, then maybe you deserve better. If this is just one minor thing in an otherwise great relationship, then maybe you just find a way to live with it in whatever way will keep you both happy. I'm just saying, I can certainly relate to the frustration.

[solarion]

Hello all! My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years. We live together and he has been off work for 6 months due to illness. Hopefully in the next month or two his doctor will approve him to work again. In the mean time he is home all day while I'm at work and NEVER cleans. When he does it is very minimal. I asked him to clean our guest room 1 month ago and he STILL hasn't done it! If I bring it up and ask him if he will please clean it he gets frustrated and angry with me for asking and just says that he will, but it never happens. What can I do to get through to him that it's frustrating to me to come home after 12 hour work days and find him watching TV in his pjs and telling me how tired he is?

What sort of illness? Was he averse to cleaning up after himself before his illness and time off? Would you describe him as a generally hard worker prior to this illness? How does his general demeanor differ now from say one year prior?

Men in particular draw a good portion of their confidence and self-esteem from their work, from feeling needed, necessary, and useful. Being unable to work may have sent your guy into a tailspin that he's unable to recover from. Then on top of that you come home from winning bread and are justifiably critical of him for doing nothing...which may well make him feel emasculated, so he lashes out at you, most likely out of guilt.

Suggest you talk to him in a sympathetic and compassionate way. Don't feed any self pity, or victim complexes that may or may not be growing within him, but show support for him and avoid attacking him. He probably doesn't like himself very much at this time either.

[Lwalter]

Tell him that a relationship requires two persons. Right now you feel alone because he won't do anything.