Recently started a new relationship and it's doing my head in!!!

[murd0rau]

Hey everyone, I will keep this short and sweet (I am looking for a volume of answers to gauge what is deemed as acceptable by all)

About six weeks ago I started chatting to a girl on Tinder, lovely bloody thing she is... We live 350kms apart, she's at the north of the island and I'm at the south. [she was down seeing family] After roughly 4 weeks of chatting, it was said that she would come down for our birthday's (17 of june for her and 19th of june for me) - we met up on the 18th, I gave her some presents, we went and had lunch, then came back to my place, we kissed and went and cuddled on my bed (no hanky spanky)...

We have then decided to give things a go, and start a relationship - understanding the issue of distance. I was going to arrange a way to go up and see her in the next couple of weeks (as I was only able to spend 5-6 hours with her in total - and I miss her)..

However she told me that she is going away.... with another man? Now the thing is, we live in Tasmania, Australia (tasmania is a small island at the bottom of aus) and this fella lives in Melbourne, which is 400+kms away and can only come via boat / plane - as there is a massive patch of water.
Now, the issue that I'm having is as follows -

She has never met this man, but has already committed to spending the night with him in a hotel? And has even suggested that they would share the same bed?

She has told me time and time again, that I have nothing to worry about, she has been speaking to him longer than I, and she feels as if they are really good friends.

I've told her, that people don't go to these extremes to make a friendship.

I don't agree that she has willingly said yes to going 200 kilometers away with him to a place she is unfamiliar with and would be sharing the bed with him.. she keeps telling me I have nothing to worry about, and is failing to see the fact that i have an issue with it?

I don't mind that they meet and spend some time together (it even feels a bit weird saying that, but none the less)... but I do have the issue that she's committed to staying with him... and doesn't even know him. [ the way I see it she wouldnt be wanting to go and stay anywhere with any other man than me]
I've said to her, why cant you meet for a coffee, judge him and then decide on lunch and what to do for the day? - Have him stay in a local hotel and then meet up again the next day?

She said they could do that, but they were staying where they were for convenience of the area they were in.. I don't care for convenience and I think that if they didn't stay together it would not ruin anything, especially when he is coming all that way? To me sharing a bed should be with me and only me strictly, as that would be a privilege of being in a relationship with this person.

I've tried explaining things like the rules of men and women being friends, generally the women think they can be friends, but from what I know, have read and understood generally the men have more feelings, other than just friendship ones and would jump at the opportunity to take it further.
Generally there is attraction one way or another, between members of opposite sex who are friends...

Ive said things like, I feel as if my feelings aren't being respected... it's frustrating me, and she is totally adamant that she is going to go and stay with him.

She has confirmed that she has not told him about me? - which is another worrying sign, I mean if they are great friends and she has started a relationship with someone, to me that is pretty crucial and important information.

I've also said to her, that if he was a man of integrity and knew that you have recently committed to someone, that he would take a step back and probably not come at all, out of respect to you and the new relationship you have formed.

And he would definitely not be ok with sharing a bed with you? It is doing my head in, I really do like this girl and I have genuine feelings for her and I do believe we could have a good future together.

Obviously I am seriously having second thoughts, as I have repeated myself for the past 24 hours, have expressed my issues with it, explained specific scenarios, and regardless of whether we are in a relationship or not, I would give the same advice to not meet and and go and stay with someone you don't know.

She doesn't have to share a bed with him, but it sounds like she wants to.

I look at it like this also -

Yeah i'll commit to you, but Im just going to go and lay in a bed with barry for a bit.

I feel as if this is bullshit,
And she's keeping herself open to see what he puts on the table? Even though committed to me?

Am I correct to not be happy about them meeting? Am I correct to not be happy about them sharing a bed? Am I correct to think things guys intentions would not be for a friendship, due to the extremes he is going to?

She says she doesn't like how its effecting me, and I have told her she has the opportunity to keep all parties happy and have everyone get what they want... for them to meet (as thats the main thing) and to offer me a sense of security.

I don't think she is willing to compromise, or is legitimately considering my position in her life and my feelings for her.
Seems manipulative and almost like emotional cheating?

I do strangely believe her intentions? Just not his.

I'm not crazy am I?

[hazey daisy]

You are damn crazy for not looking at this as a dealbreaker. Stop believing her bull sh it and cut her off. I get you are emotionally invested, but emotions get in the way of ones better judgement...this is what she is banking on. IMO you should have gotten sex out of her at LEAST for your troubles, and the gifts of course.

Tips for on line: Don't chat with them for weeks. You like them you ask them out, go on dates to get to know them better. Next, the distance. Not worth it because they can do whatever without you knowing anything while you are apart...way too risky. Second, never buy gifts for someone who you have never met before or not in a relationship with. You haven't met and yo are already treating this as a relationship. You make yourself look like easy pickins to manipulate for later. You just set yourself up to be taken advantage of, that's why she's trying to feed you this bs because she KNOWS how invested you are in her. Drop her like a hot potato before this goes any further.

[melancholia]

First of all, all of your feelings about this are entirely valid and justified. This behavior would bother anyone in an exclusive relationship. This is pretty odd behavior of someone who wants to be in a relationship. Not only is it disrespectful to you, especially because you've been very forthcoming about your feelings about it, but it's incredibly unsafe for her to agree to stay in a hotel room alone with someone she's never actually met before... that sounds stupid to me, let alone inappropriate. This should be a deal breaker for you, because I can't see how you are going to be able to move past this incredibly blatant disrespectful behavior. It would be one thing if you two had been together for a while, you were both seriously independent, and she wanted to go away with a friend of hers... but this is some random guy she's never even met before, why in the hell would she prioritize his feelings over yours? That doesn't make any sense to me at all. In my opinion, you need to trust your instincts here, and if something seems amiss, it almost always is. Unless she is willing to listen to what you have to say, and respect your feelings by canceling the trip, then I agree that you should end the relationship. I think she should cancel the trip altogether, because she could easily say she stayed in separate rooms, and then go ahead and stay in the same room as him and you wouldn't know. If this is how thoughtful she is to you and your feelings after being together such a short time, I can only imagine how insane things will become later down the road.