Looking for Advice on a Bad Situation that I Created

[Meili]

About two years ago, I was living with and engaged to this woman. We had broken up numerous times in the past, and I started to suspect that she was sleeping with her professor. It didn't help that he told me that they had been on a couple dates. But, all of that started after I told her that I was done, while we were supposedly trying to work things out.

So, I rented a house and prepared to move out. She tried really hard to get me to stay. Then she went to another country with the professor "for a school thing." She was in graduate school, so I didn't know what to think. I followed through with my plans to go to the new place. During the transition between houses, I met another woman.

We met and really hit it off. We had a lot in common and were looking for the same things in the future. It was pure magic. I never felt so alive. In fact, with Woman A, I was almost always bored and sometimes thought that death would be easier. Woman B and I tried living together, but it didn't work. I felt that I had been pressured into moving into her place. I kept my place mainly because once all the necessities were moved out, she had no interest in helping me move the rest. After two or three months, I moved back out.

Woman B and I had several fights that lasted for hours and resulted in my telling her that I can't do it anymore. I felt broken and abused. Each time she would beg me to return, and I did. Well, one time I begged her for another chance.

Somewhere in the middle of all of this, I reconnected with Woman A. She was a safe person to talk to because she knows me so well. At this point, she had moved in with her professor and they had started a business and were planning their life together.

Woman B begged me to stop talking to Woman A. I refused. I rationalized that I deserved and needed a safe person to talk to because of how Woman B had been treating me. This did not end well. All that we did for months after that was fight. So, I finally ended things. More begging followed.

Woman A jumped at the chance to get me back. She left the professor and asked me to move in with her. I didn't. For two months we spent every day together, but all that I could think about was Woman B. Every place I went, everything that I did, everything about everything made me miss Woman B.

So, I contacted her. She told me that if Woman A had been out of the picture when I contacted her, she would have come running back without question. But Woman A was still in the picture. There was a great deal of dialog between Woman B and me that spanned several days. Several times she told me goodbye and there was no chance that she and I would ever get back together. Each time (ok, after some begging), I told her that I respected her choice and goodbye. She would contact me later. The last conversation was that she wasn't "locking the door" on us reconciling, but was closing it. That she could never be involved with me while Woman A was in my life in any way, shape, or form. I can respect that. At first, she told me that we'd give it two weeks and then reconnect and see how we feel. Then, later, she changed it to if we happen to bump into each other, even if it was by design, that we'd see.

So, I told Woman A that I cannot have any contact with her anymore. I have been sad and depressed about this all day. Woman A, aside from the whole thing with her professor, has been completely loyal to me for almost a decade. She has tolerated all sorts of non-sense from me. I have been wondering if I made the wrong choice here. I am giving up a sure thing which provides a stable environment for me for the opportunity at something that may never happen.

But, then I realized that as I sit here alone and wanting someone to talk to, I could easily contact Woman A and tell her that I made a mistake and it would be all better. But, what I want is to hear from Woman B.

I know that I'm a mess and so is this situation. Any advice would be appreciated.

[hazey daisy]

Ya stop dating these women and stop being so codependent on being in a relationship. I shake my head when I read woman A bores you that death would be better, she cheated on you, and you fought like cats and dogs but in the same breath you say you say she is wonderful and stable...seriously? And you teeter totter between her and some chick that is abusive. wtf?

You and relationships are toxic..you make unhealthy choices and you wonder why you are so messed up. Please do some reading about codependency and be single for a year or so to get your head on straight.

[Meili]

Thank you for your very blunt and truthful response.

Looking at my situation has caused me to look deeper into the codependency issue. I would have denied it in the past, but this has made it very clear to me.

Thank you again.