Wanting her back

[secretagent5]

My fiance recently broke up with me after being together for 3 years. We met in college and hit it off right away. We had actually known each other 7 years previous to meeting again. I asked her out and she told me she couldn't date because her dad wouldn't allow her. She was the sweetest, smartest, most pure person I had ever met. I fell for her hard even though I wasn't in a place to date, but I knew I couldn't pass up on her. We finally got together and her dad kicked her out of his place. She found a roommate, because I was living at my mom's at the time, but that didn't last long at the roommates. She ended up moving into the spare room at my mom's house. At this point we were only together 3 months. (if you want to know more about this part, feel free to ask, lets just say cops got involved).
5 months into our relationship she was diagnosed with herpes. I was her first everything. And I was destroyed. I became severely depressed and pushed her away. The first 5 months were great. I wanted to be everything for her. Her dad told her no one would love her and she wasn't much of anything. I made her feel different. After I had hurt her. I couldn't do anything. I barely had a job. Went to school full time. She had a part time job and went to school as well. We didn't have much time to date. The rest of the time, I would sleep. Also, the relationship previous to her I was with a girl that used me to get pregnant. So every month I was paranoid she was pregnant. Even though we always protected ourselves. I was just extremely paranoid. I would get angry at her. Even though it wasn't her fault. She told me how "it must be nice to mess around." This freaked me out, so I told her if she wanted to, fine. As long as I knew about it. I even then kind of pushed her to do it. Because I felt like I had nothing to offer her. I had nothing. After hurting her, I felt like I couldn't even offer her that. What did I have? So I pushed her to..."do something" with my best friend. I figured, he wouldn't try to take her from me, and he knows what this is about. At first she told me she wanted to, but when he was around she would say no. Finally they did. I won't go into detail about that. It went on for awhile and I told her no more. I couldn't handle it. But it didn't stop there. They continued behind my back. I can't even be mad at her for that. I didn't know they continued until she told me 2 years later.
We got a place together. Things were looking up. But she still seemed to want to...experience things. So she ended up...with my best friends wife. Yea, crazy. So they are no longer friends. We kind of tried an open relationship. I don't even know why. I was out of my mind. I was so far depressed for so long I wasn't thinking at all. I found out that she was never really open with me. And I never got to really know her. All of her interests or anything. Oh and she always thought that I was trying to control her. In a way, I see why she thinks that. But I never consciously thought that. She told me she wanted to leave long ago but she had no where to go and she hoped things would just get better. They never did. Neither one of us were ever able to get to that place. Our whole relationship was tough. Nothing ever came easy. But we always fought to make it work.
After she left me, 3 weeks later she started dating another one of my friends. She told me she still wanted to be friends. I tried to help her, cause she had no car. And tried to just be a friend. But her new bf started getting upset. But she would still ask me for help anyway. I found out he never really wanted her anyway, she was just a game to him. And they are no longer together. I still love her and want her. I extremely messed up. I am no longer the person I was when I was with her. Even in 4 short months. I love her more than anything. Oh and the herpes thing is very messed up. Come to find out it was only type 1. Not type 2. It's a long story. But not as bad as we thought it was. I can't get over it. We haven't talked in 2 weeks. I want her. But she wants nothing to do with me after her now most recent ex told her as long as I'm in her life she will never have a successful relationship. I wish I knew what to do to have an opportunity for her to fall in love with me all over again. She says she still does but its different now. Help?

[secretagent5]

Oh, I forgot to mention how we both felt like we are meant to be together. I had dreams about her before I met her. From the age of 18 until I met her at 25. This is something that sticks with me and is making it hard for me to get over it.

[secretagent5]

I know it's a lot to read, but I would appreciate some advice. Thanks

[BrianRhoades]

Hi there - Would you be interested in talking to me sometime (maybe 15 minutes via phone or Skype) for a podcast I'm putting together about "most impactful relationships." - I can give you more details but don't want to bombard you with it on my first intro post.

Btw - I'm Brian; I'm sorry you're going through this.