Struggling with something, want to clear my head

[ELG201]

Ok so I need to get this out of my head and get some fresh perspective.

I'll try and explain this concisely but waffling is likely, apologies.

So I'm engaged to an amazing girl. We've been together a few years and are largely very very happy, both around 30.

However, something came up recently that's causing me an awful lot of discomfort and emotions I'm not used to, which is kinda bringing me down.

So my partner has this friend. She clearly respects him a lot. I've met him, seems like a nice enough guy. She'd mentioned in passing that she'd had a short fling with him 10 years ago. I get it, we've all had little things that turned into friendship because anything else just felt weird. No issue there.

In a moment of weakness, I made the mistake of asking the question as to whether anything at all happened since. My reasoning (not that I suppose it justifies it) is that she still hangs out with this guy (albeit occasionally, and it's always in a group with me there, not solo) so I wondered just how 'recent' this history was.

She mentioned that there was a time not long before we met, where they were both very drunk at a party, both consoling and confiding in each other due to mutual concern at their own situations at the time. She said that if anything were ever likely to happen after their high school fling, it would've (and could've) happened then, but it didn’t.

That should of course have been fine. Except that there have been a couple of instances in our time together, where she's lied about what happened with a person. In fact she lies fairly frequently about silly little things that I sometimes catch her out on. Oftentimes it's about stuff so trivial it doesn't bother me.

In contrary to this, her friends, some of whom I really get on with, have consistently told me about how trustworthy and faithful my partner is.

So here's where I'm at with this, and this is what I'm here looking for some perspective on.

I'm going over and over in my mind about whether they did sleep together that night shortly before we met. Not only because it would mean she's lied again, but mainly because she still hangs out with this guy and hanging out with someone you had a little fling with 10 years ago is different in my mind to hanging out with someone you slept with just months before we met.

So, because I'd really rather not continue down the path of jealousy and insecurity, what's the best way forward from this? Just get it out of my head altogether? Try and find out if she is lying? Say something? Say nothing?

Above all of this, I'm angry at myself for feeling this way. I'm typically not interested in the pasts of people, especially at our age, but I think the occasional lack of honesty has thrown my complete trust into a slight unbalance.

Thanks.

[woody]

Yes and it would; of course. But it could be that this possible fling with this guy was so trivial and not a big deal for her at all, she may be lying to save your feelings. But it is the lies that hurt because then we wonder, what else have they lied about and if so, how can we trust them unconditionally right? Right.
So I suggest you sit her down, spill the beans, tell her how and why you are now doubting her honesty; that you 'get' why she'd hold details back but at the same time, your concerned because she still hangs out with him and you just need to know how far it went, that is all.
if it was truly no big deal, she ought have little problem in confiding the whole truth.
and then there's this. (though there's no need to tell her this next part, you'll just have to see what she does) but If you are uncomfy with his continued presence in her life, she would be wise to put space and protect the two of you. Any woman or man who loves his/her s.o would never do anything to rock the boat in this way and if an ex is still lingering and doubts ensue, we do what we must to save grace, to defend the relationships honour.
Just talk to her about it. You'd be surprised at how well a good talk can clear things up.

Being jealous is no fun at all. I applaud the level of trust you share with her but you need to address this now before it eats away at you any more than its already done....

[Wakeup]

Well, you say they never hang out alone and when they do, you're with them so I'm not sure where the insecurity is coming from except for the reasonable explanation that she's often not truthful BUT (big but) what difference does it make if she did him just before getting with you anyway? If she's not doing him now since she's in a committed monogamous relationship with you then who she did 10 mins before you and her became exclusive is irrelevant... No?

My guess is she lied (if she even did) about the time frame with him because she knew you'd grow some major anxiety about her friendship with him if her answer was anything other then what it was.

Have you two ever talked about relationship boundaries and what are some things that you both would consider inappropriate and disrespectful to the relationship if you were continue doing it when you're no longer single? Like for an example: Hanging out one on one alone with an opposite sex friend.

[milk&honey]

I agree with Wakeup. She probably was less than truthful because of how you'd react. I understand where you're coming from and I hope you'll be able to get past this.