Why is he back in touch?

[valentine14]

To very quickly summarise, we got together in September 2010 after having - what we thought were unrequited - feelings for each other for almost 3 years.


A very passionate, intense relationship ensued, was meant to be forever etc - he was going through a divorce already, I split with my husband for him (unhappy marriage for years), so difficult times all round and he wasn't mature enough (even though we were both in our 40s) to cope with it all. I was going through health issues too, which affected my temper and I wasn't easy to be with (although I was mostly very loving and supportive).


I fell apart and was completely brokenhearted. I've remained single since we split in June 2011. We live in the same neighbourhood and have occasionally bumped into each other (and I did contact him a fair bit in the early days and on very, very rare occasions since - sometimes he replied, mostly he didn't), and we even spent the night together a couple of years ago.


In November 2013, I met him for a 'closure' meeting. All very civil but I got nothing from him. I'm very much calmer than I was - I'm very much changed, and for the better - and he can't help but have noticed this. I told him not a day had passed since we split that I hadn't thought of him.


I texted him twice last year. On the first, he replied but closed down any communication with a 'take care' ending. In my last text (last August) I said 'no reply necessary, I don't need a 'take care' pat on the head, be happy'. And that would have been that, I was done.


Last month, I attended a local community meeting (a protest against possible new builds on my estate). I was very surprised to see him there - he didn't know I'd seen him but, from where he was standing, I knew he must have seen me. Shortly before the meeting ending, he sneaked out and I assumed it was to avoid me.


The next day, he texted me, which I could not have been more shocked about. A friendly text, which I replied to and several messages - banter, actually - passed back and forth, which him replying when no reply was necessary. Never has he done this since we split. And then it stopped when he didn't reply to my last message.


It was my birthday last Saturday. I'd been hoping against hope he might text me (my birthday - a big one - was mentioned during the text exchange) but I was sure he wouldn't. Again, I was shocked when he actually posted a card to my house. I texted a thank you and several texts were exchanged, friendly ones. This time, I didn't reply to the last text (one wasn't needed). He mentioned he was away on holiday with his daughter (when there was no need to tell me, nor to say who he was with).


I'm puzzled. This has come out of the blue and is very, very unexpected. I'm being guarded but would welcome some viewpoints as to what's going on. I always thought he would avoid opening Pandora's Box again - my young son, now 13, took it all very badly but is now back to being my very loving boy - by having any contact with me, let alone instigating it himself. We're not friends, he's avoided contact so this friendly behaviour is very uncharacteristic. He does nothing without analysing it in great detail, so this is not a throw away action.

[Wakeup]

To very quickly summarise, we got together in September 2010 after having - what we thought were unrequited - feelings for each other for almost 3 years.


A very passionate, intense relationship ensued, was meant to be forever etc - he was going through a divorce already, I split with my husband for him (unhappy marriage for years), so difficult times all round and he wasn't mature enough (even though we were both in our 40s) to cope with it all. I was going through health issues too, which affected my temper and I wasn't easy to be with (although I was mostly very loving and supportive).


I fell apart and was completely brokenhearted. I've remained single since we split in June 2011. We live in the same neighbourhood and have occasionally bumped into each other (and I did contact him a fair bit in the early days and on very, very rare occasions since - sometimes he replied, mostly he didn't), and we even spent the night together a couple of years ago.


In November 2013, I met him for a 'closure' meeting. All very civil but I got nothing from him. I'm very much calmer than I was - I'm very much changed, and for the better - and he can't help but have noticed this. I told him not a day had passed since we split that I hadn't thought of him.


I texted him twice last year. On the first, he replied but closed down any communication with a 'take care' ending. In my last text (last August) I said 'no reply necessary, I don't need a 'take care' pat on the head, be happy'. And that would have been that, I was done.


Last month, I attended a local community meeting (a protest against possible new builds on my estate). I was very surprised to see him there - he didn't know I'd seen him but, from where he was standing, I knew he must have seen me. Shortly before the meeting ending, he sneaked out and I assumed it was to avoid me.


The next day, he texted me, which I could not have been more shocked about. A friendly text, which I replied to and several messages - banter, actually - passed back and forth, which him replying when no reply was necessary. Never has he done this since we split. And then it stopped when he didn't reply to my last message.


It was my birthday last Saturday. I'd been hoping against hope he might text me (my birthday - a big one - was mentioned during the text exchange) but I was sure he wouldn't. Again, I was shocked when he actually posted a card to my house. I texted a thank you and several texts were exchanged, friendly ones. This time, I didn't reply to the last text (one wasn't needed). He mentioned he was away on holiday with his daughter (when there was no need to tell me, nor to say who he was with).


I'm puzzled. This has come out of the blue and is very, very unexpected. I'm being guarded but would welcome some viewpoints as to what's going on. I always thought he would avoid opening Pandora's Box again - my young son, now 13, took it all very badly but is now back to being my very loving boy - by having any contact with me, let alone instigating it himself. We're not friends, he's avoided contact so this friendly behaviour is very uncharacteristic. He does nothing without analysing it in great detail, so this is not a throw away action.

What is your point? Your question?

He sent you some crumbs because he's quite aware that you'd be silly enough to be totally open to him since you've left a door for him to easily walk through instead of doing the emotionally mature thing and closing that door on him for good.

Just curious but are you possibly up to getting a nice pay out for that "development" on your "estate?"

[valentine14]

What is your point? Your question?

He sent you some crumbs because he's quite aware that you'd be silly enough to be totally open to him since you've left a door for him to easily walk through instead of doing the emotionally mature thing and closing that door on him for good.

Just curious but are you possibly up to getting a nice pay out for that "development" on your "estate?"

I don't have a 'point' or 'question', I merely wanted some views.

I don't stand to make anything from the development, it won't impact the value of my property. If you think he's after possible money, he's independently wealthy and has his own business.

[Wakeup]

Why don't you just close the door on this guy so that you can completely put him in the stage of indifference?

What do you hope to accomplish with leaving a door open for him to walk through?

Your "young son took it all very badly" Why would you even consider leaving a door open when that is the case? You split up the family for a jerk who wasn't mature enough (at the age of 40 ffs) or was just in a rebound mode after his divorice and there wasn't enough there between the two of you to make a go of it.

Block him and get on with your life without him. Keep your son and his adjustment in mind. He's your "sweet boy" again so don't mess with that, I say.

[woody]

Sounds like hurt or possible hurt all over again O.P.
Hey, I get you really liked this fella but if he hurt you before through lack of maturity, clarity, perhaps he could do it again; and if you have a son, well, it's not just you to consider here.
Maybe the ex felt badly about how things were left. Or, maybe he's struggling in his present relationship and in need of outside attentions from an old friend. Only you know the scoop here. But be careful with your heart.

[jenniferaniston]

Even if you have generally good skills for talking together cooperatively, you may be so wary of conflict that you would prefer to suffer again and again the same annoyances than risk arguments can happen.