Is it possible for me to get into a relationship? I wonder if I should give up hope

[LonelyNerd]

Hello people.
I'm a 22 year old male from Israel. I'm virgin and never had a girlfriend or even kissed one. I'm not too ugly but I got other problems.
My hobbies include Power Lifting, metal music, anime and computers.
I'm currently a university student, I hate parties, I hate any kind of sport that doesn't involve lifting heavy iron, I am incredibly awkward in companies, I have no real friends, I have trouble making any because of my unconventional hobbies and many years spent in solitude (I have been a loner for a long time).

There is a battle raging on inside me between good and evil. The "good" side wants me to become social, get friends, get a relationship and do something with my life while my diabolical side tells me that there is no hope left, I'm too old for starting the "social" thing from zero and I should just give up and stay alone forever, maybe becoming a great scientist in the process and making some ground breaking progress in technology or something. Who the hell knows.

Anyway, I don't even know how to approach a girl. Every time I think about it I feel like I'm getting in her personal space and like I'm some kind of sexual predator hunting my prey. I am never a smooth talker and I often get in trouble for saying the wrong thing at the wrong time.

Anyway, this was me describing my bad qualities from top to bottom. There are few others that I can probably live around but with all I've said I'm starting to doubt the possibility of me ever making it out of the "alone zone". Are you complaining about friend zone? The hell with it! I don't even have friends

I guessed I could find some smart people around the web to help me figure out my options and my next step in either becoming a human being or an emotionless machine.

Thanks in advance!

[pcmaster]

Yes its possible for you to find GF. You are still young and you need just change your thinking a bit. There are all kind of girls - even nerds.

I have a guide that will help you break the ice with girls if you want it. What about friends - you can start making some internet friends on IMVU

[url]https://www.loveforum.net/the-relationship-news-and-articles/85674-guide-interacting-girls.html[/url]
loveforum.net/the-relationship-news-and-articles/85674-guide-interacting-girls.html

[basilandthyme]

For starters, I'd suggest you rethink the word "hate". Hate is a very strong and unpleasant word. Not only could feelings of hate turn others away, but it can hold you back in your own endeavours.

Perhaps try these for size: "I'm uncomfortable in parties". "Generally, I'm not into sport, but I do enjoy powerlifting". Use self talk which leaves you open for new experiences.

As for approaching girls, it's not a great way to go about getting a girlfriend so don't focus too much on it. I find it far better to meet people via an introduction by a mutual friend. Or at a sporting or mutual interest activity.

So before you worry about a girl, let's focus on the friend thing. Do you try to make friends and it never works? Or do you avoid being in company in the first place? You're not comfortable in parties - but perhaps you could enjoy being in small groups?

Let's look at those hobbies of yours. Anime and computers. What about attending conventions which contain anime? Like the Comic-con type of thing? Get chatting with others around while looking at what you enjoy. Are you online in any fan groups? You don't say what facet of computers interest you, but perhaps you can find niche groups and some great nerdy men and women may be there. Even if there are no girls, you will expand your friendship group. Finding like minded people can really make a difference in you wanting to attend functions and generally hang out with people.

Can you take (or fake!) interest in things which interest other people? If you meet a friend he/she talks about going running, can you discuss their hobby with interest and not divert the subject to pumping iron? This is the base skill required for making friends. Are you open to learning new hobbies? Like say, photography?

Lastly, have you ever had professional help for your social skill issues? Have you ruled out issues such as social anxiety or Aspegers?

[LonelyNerd]

Thank you for the positive comments my friends! I have slightly exaggerated the situation because I've lately been getting pretty down and somewhat depressive from loneliness. I am aware thanks to you that the first changes need to be in me, even though I try to make friends I find it really hard because it's really hard for me to find people with common interests. The society around me in my university is full of guys and girls who enjoy partying, drinking, and mostly talk about modern TV shows and sitcoms and whatnot and whenever I'm around them I feel incredibly uncomfortable. I believe I would have an easier time adjusting if I didn't have to go so far out of my comfort zone, but it's just way too hard to find real friends without having even one thing in common.
I believe that in the US or even in Europe it's more common to find individuals who have similar interests to mine, while in Israel the society is less divided and I'm in a really small minority.

By the way, talking about online groups, I'm a pretty known figure in some big Israeli communities with pretty high reputation. As you can see from the way I'm writing, I'm pretty darn confident behind the screen and I have screened that a lot during my time on the web. I have made friends and even fans around but I don't know how to transition it into real life. I guess there are many reasons for that and there are ways to fix it, but right now, I'm a totally different person when I'm talking to human beings outside the internet

I guess I can fake interests but it feels wrong. I don't think that any kind of relationship should start with a fake. I want sincere friends who will also share my interests, and I will do my best to share theirs, without faking.

I have never tried professional help. I have always treated my problem of talking to people as a weakness. I always believed that as long as I am scared of talking to people I'm just a pussy. This might seem overly manly of me and I might be wrong though. If you think I should try and get some professional help I'll do that

I will though try to be less negative and find a way to fight the will to embarrass myself by saying any of this out loud.
I will read the links you've given me and update my status if I can successfully make a change for the better in my social status

Thanks a bunch guys!
Would appreciate any more opinions if any of you have them!

[basilandthyme]

I hear you. I'm actually quite like you with my lack of interest in big drunk parties and discussion of reality TV. Please spare me a night of drunken small talk. I'd rather watch zombie shows or gritty westerns. When people find out that I love to sew, they look at me like I have two heads. When they find out that among other things, I like to sew Victorian corsets and Steampunk, I think they see three heads LOL. I do like to go get drunk on occasion - but with my best friend who also likes similar-but different-things. Not that the two of us have everything in common....

But I think you wouldn't look at me strangely - I'm not into anime but we both get the whole pop culture thing. You may not be completely on board with excitement when I tell you that I recently paid $30 for 12m of perfect brown fabric from a recycling centre for a Steampunk suit (true story) but our interests are close enough that you could be happy for me and show interest. And it wouldn't take much persuasion for you to inspire my arty side and learn some anime techniques.

No, I'm not hitting on you. I'm 47 and live in Australia and have a family. But my point is that I'm sure there are younger women who have similar interests.

When I talk about faking interest, it's not so much about being 'fake' but as in sharing someone's enthusiasm for an endeavour. My hubby loves football (soccer) and works in IT (network infrastructure) - neither of which inspire me, but I can be excited for his teams wins and I happily listen when he tells me about work. Learning to listen to our friends talk about stuff which doesn't interest us - without changing the subject - is a thing well worth learning.

Your online fame could work in your favour if you step out. I've got this crazy (or not so crazy) idea: I would assume there's a store somewhere in Israel which specialises in Pop Culture. What about approaching them about having a pop culture night in their store. You would use your online fame to bring people and help advertise - and they would sell products and gain advertising. Win/Win. Imagine all the cool people you could meet!!

Is your Facebook account private or public? If it's not public, making it so could increase your number of contacts with people who are like you.

- - - Updated - - -

Oh and regarding the social anxiety. It's entirely up to you whether you seek professional help. Are you wracked with fear and nausea at the idea of meeting people at an Anime function? Or is it more that you can't find something worth attending? The first needs therapy, the second doesn't. The second simply needs a different approach and to find people who enjoy the things you do.

Also, therapy can give answers. One of my dearest friends got an Aspergers diagnosis as an adult. The dx changes nothing, but it provides answers. She now understands why she feels as she does and can connect with others who feel similarly. But therapy can help her with strategies for dealing with the world.

[LonelyNerd]

Thanks for your reply! You are extremely helpful and I'm grateful for the time you are putting into assisting me!

I believe I am a great listener. I can listen to people for hours if they choose to talk for hours and I'll mostly enjoy every word. Holding the conversation is what is holding me back right now since I can not transfer my internet confidence into real life, fearing I can not click the "edit" button after I say whatever I want to say which might lead into saying something embarrassing. I've never met a person in real life who I could talk to about my interests and not feel ashamed of myself for being different.

Even though I could work out something from my internet fame, one of the perks of living in a small country in the middle east is that it's not really "filled" with much pop culture acceptance. Are you talking about Pop-Culture specialized shops? Well, unfortunately they do not exist. But lets throw that aside, there are surely other ways I can think of to make something like that happen and I'm sure I will!

By the way at this point I would be fine even if an 90 year old would hit on me. I would probably not initiate anything back... For obvious reasons... But it would undoubtedly boost my confidence which I so desperately need.

My facebook account used to be public but in one of my depression attacks I deleted almost 2/3 of my friends there. I had that feeling that I had no reason to keep people on my list if I'm probably never going to speak to them again. Currently my friend list consists of less than 100 people, which is pretty shabby for a facebook account.

Unfortunately seeking professional help is not really an option for me. I am a poor student, my parents are unable to fund me and I'm forced to live through my saving for the next 2 semesters till I can get a job. To be completely honest, right now I can't even afford the amount of food I want because I need to think 7 months forward and live them with around 4,500$, which is not an easy task. I don't blame my siblings though, they got divorced a few years back and both got mortgages and their own parents to take care of.
But I believe that a high enough intelligence can replace the need for professional help. I have analyzed my life from my early years till today and have come to a conclusion that there are two reasons that made me into what I am today.
One of them is me going through an awkward puberty stage in which I gained a handful of weight, lost my self confidence, lost my friends and became a video game nerd.
The other one is never seeing love in my home, basically, it always seemed like my relatives lived with each others for convenience reasons rather than for love. Not seeing love at home probably affected me into subconsciously believing that it's a bad thing and it's wrong and I shouldn't have it.
Thinking about it, there was this incident in second grade where I liked a girl and my classmates made fun of me for that. I know it was long ago when I was 8 but I believe that the fact that I remember it today means that this humiliation did affect my life somehow, and therefore I used to be a much more cautious teen, trying to hide everything related to feelings from society.

I know it's a bit long and I'm sorry for making it that way, I just needed a place to dump all my feelings to and I'm glad I can do it here even if nobody reads it

[basilandthyme]

I'm reading. It's a Saturday night here and I should be with my family so I can't reply at length....but I will be back tomorrow.

[pcmaster]

I think going back to childhood and teenage years is the real thing to do here. You see all people are born extroverts but its the life events that make them introverts. You had some smaller traumas that formed you as you are now and wrong decisions made afterwards - like playing too much video games, made you stuck in that stage and you never really socially grew as you supposed to. Think what you need to do is stop those things that holded you back all these years. For a start cut your internet and game time to no more than hour a day. Instead find a good friend and try to pick up his interests. Like if he like photo then go and try it with him.
Like Basil said

When I talk about faking interest, it's not so much about being 'fake' but as in sharing someone's enthusiasm for an endeavour. My hubby loves football (soccer) and works in IT (network infrastructure) - neither of which inspire me, but I can be excited for his teams wins and I happily listen when he tells me about work. Learning to listen to our friends talk about stuff which doesn't interest us - without changing the subject - is a thing well worth learning.

I think you have to start like that and you might actually start likings things that others do. Or with time they might start things that you like. So thats how you get real friends. Same thing with girls - start off as friends and if it works then go further.

[LonelyNerd]

I think going back to childhood and teenage years is the real thing to do here. You see all people are born extroverts but its the life events that make them introverts. You had some smaller traumas that formed you as you are now and wrong decisions made afterwards - like playing too much video games, made you stuck in that stage and you never really socially grew as you supposed to. Think what you need to do is stop those things that holded you back all these years. For a start cut your internet and game time to no more than hour a day. Instead find a good friend and try to pick up his interests. Like if he like photo then go and try it with him.
Like Basil said

I think you have to start like that and you might actually start likings things that others do. Or with time they might start things that you like. So thats how you get real friends. Same thing with girls - start off as friends and if it works then go further.

Thanks for the tips bro! I'll do my best to try those out!

[pcmaster]

At least thats what worked for me [MENTION=80214]LonelyNerd[/MENTION] When I was closer your age. You know girls can be found in nightclubs too. But its pretty scary to go without friends there if you dont drink.

BTW if you go to gym then theres should be some guys you can talk to. There must be someone with same interests as you.

[TheEvilJester]

I love doing whatever I can to help anybody I can on these message boards.... but I gotta say these are the kind of messages that tug on a very special place in my heart (or perhaps the cold, black void where I used to have a heart) because it might as well be me writing it. I can relate to this so much, LonelyNerd, that you and I might as well be the same person.

I've struggled with this my whole life. I'm struggling with it again right now. Do I push myself to get out there, or do I push myself over that cliff and become the monster I sometimes think the world wants me to be? It can be SO hard to keep trying to improve yourself, keep trying to put yourself out there, keep trying to connect with people when you just keep getting stabbed in the heart every time you try.

The thing is, I've done the alternative. I've turned off. I've given up on people. Let me tell you, it is an attractive option when you feel like you have no hope, but it sucks. It isn't living. It isn't real life. You think feeling nothing is better than feeling the pain, but the truth is it is worse.

You are young. I am 31 (very soon to be 32) and, after ending a relationship that was terrible for me a few years ago, I am just now starting to have these same struggles again. For a while after that relationship, I felt AMAZING. Like a new man. I was ready to take on the world..... then I started trying to reconnect with people and, unfortunately, was given nothing but reminders as to why I have so little faith in humanity, and so little trust for humans as it is.

And you know something? As hard as it may be for me to see it right now, the fact of the matter is it is not too late for me either. I am just about 10 years your elder, and it isn't too late for me, so you at least have a heard start on me there. Around your age, I was stuck in a relationship I thought was good for me only to realize years later it had been holding me down, even pulling me back, the whole time.

Your hobbies are not so abnormal. There are A LOT of people who love anime and a lot who are into weight training. Exploring either one could be a great way to make friends, and I do think making friends is your best way to start. If you struggle even to make friends, it is going to be even harder for you to have a relationship.

Work on making friends first. You'll find that this actually helps to give you a little more confidence than you may have already. When you are around a bunch of people who think you are a good person and genuinely enjoy your company, it becomes harder and harder to think so negatively of yourself.

Also, if you can afford it and easily get it, never hesitate to get professional help if and when you feel you may need it. It is NOT a sign of weakness to admit when you need help, and it is NOT a sign of weakness to seek out help when you do need it. Why should you have to suffer alone if a professional may be able to help you build the tools you may not have to help you grab your piece of the pie?

It is noble to want to face your demons alone. If you CAN defeat them without help, that is great, but if you cannot, or if it becomes enough of a struggle, please get the help that could turn that around for you. That is NOT weakness, in fact it takes a very strong person to admit when they need help.

Most importantly, though, you need to learn the value in yourself. The attitude you need to learn is that you are awesome and anybody would be lucky to be your friend, to be your girlfriend. I'm not suggesting you get cocky by any means. I'm just saying that you need to realize that you are worthwhile. If somebody else doesn't see that, that is their loss. Move on. They are not the person for you. If you start to see it in yourself, you'll project that in yourself without even knowing, and others will see it. Sounds like such BS, but it is true. I know from experience.

Good luck to you. Perhaps we can both finally win this battle once and for all together.

[LonelyNerd]

I love doing whatever I can to help anybody I can on these message boards.... but I gotta say these are the kind of messages that tug on a very special place in my heart (or perhaps the cold, black void where I used to have a heart) because it might as well be me writing it. I can relate to this so much, LonelyNerd, that you and I might as well be the same person.

I've struggled with this my whole life. I'm struggling with it again right now. Do I push myself to get out there, or do I push myself over that cliff and become the monster I sometimes think the world wants me to be? It can be SO hard to keep trying to improve yourself, keep trying to put yourself out there, keep trying to connect with people when you just keep getting stabbed in the heart every time you try.

The thing is, I've done the alternative. I've turned off. I've given up on people. Let me tell you, it is an attractive option when you feel like you have no hope, but it sucks. It isn't living. It isn't real life. You think feeling nothing is better than feeling the pain, but the truth is it is worse.

You are young. I am 31 (very soon to be 32) and, after ending a relationship that was terrible for me a few years ago, I am just now starting to have these same struggles again. For a while after that relationship, I felt AMAZING. Like a new man. I was ready to take on the world..... then I started trying to reconnect with people and, unfortunately, was given nothing but reminders as to why I have so little faith in humanity, and so little trust for humans as it is.

And you know something? As hard as it may be for me to see it right now, the fact of the matter is it is not too late for me either. I am just about 10 years your elder, and it isn't too late for me, so you at least have a heard start on me there. Around your age, I was stuck in a relationship I thought was good for me only to realize years later it had been holding me down, even pulling me back, the whole time.

Your hobbies are not so abnormal. There are A LOT of people who love anime and a lot who are into weight training. Exploring either one could be a great way to make friends, and I do think making friends is your best way to start. If you struggle even to make friends, it is going to be even harder for you to have a relationship.

Work on making friends first. You'll find that this actually helps to give you a little more confidence than you may have already. When you are around a bunch of people who think you are a good person and genuinely enjoy your company, it becomes harder and harder to think so negatively of yourself.

Also, if you can afford it and easily get it, never hesitate to get professional help if and when you feel you may need it. It is NOT a sign of weakness to admit when you need help, and it is NOT a sign of weakness to seek out help when you do need it. Why should you have to suffer alone if a professional may be able to help you build the tools you may not have to help you grab your piece of the pie?

It is noble to want to face your demons alone. If you CAN defeat them without help, that is great, but if you cannot, or if it becomes enough of a struggle, please get the help that could turn that around for you. That is NOT weakness, in fact it takes a very strong person to admit when they need help.

Most importantly, though, you need to learn the value in yourself. The attitude you need to learn is that you are awesome and anybody would be lucky to be your friend, to be your girlfriend. I'm not suggesting you get cocky by any means. I'm just saying that you need to realize that you are worthwhile. If somebody else doesn't see that, that is their loss. Move on. They are not the person for you. If you start to see it in yourself, you'll project that in yourself without even knowing, and others will see it. Sounds like such BS, but it is true. I know from experience.

Good luck to you. Perhaps we can both finally win this battle once and for all together.

You are a true bro!

[TheEvilJester]

Fist bump, bro! :-P

Seriously, though, I hope we've been able to help even in some small way. If it helps even in the slightest, just know you are not alone in this struggle. I've been through it on whole life. You just have to chip away little by little in every way you can. It may seem like baby steps at first, but after a while that shell starts to crack away in bigger and bigger chunks.

I wish I could say it is easy, but unfortunately it is not. As I've learned the hard way many times, things in life can go rotten and the shell re-strengthens itself. Then you just have to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start chipping away again. It's not easy, but it is worth it. Once you give up the fight, you've already lost. If you keep fighting, eventually you will win, and you will find somebody who proves to you why you fought so hard in the first place. Good luck, friend. I hope you find that somebody very soon.

[LonelyNerd]

You have indeed helped me a lot but right now my head is in my studies since I got my physics mid exam this friday so I try to keep my head buried in books as much as I possibly can. I'll make sure to write a comment here once my mind is more available for emotions and whatever comes with that.

I really appreciate your comments and I'll surely reread them once I am free from physics-hell

[TheEvilJester]

Your studies are definitely more important at this point in your life. Focus on that for now. A relationship can always come later. Good luck.