Urgent advice needed! Please help

[Falleninlove]

Hello,

I have been going out with this girl for four months, like for dinners, lunches, movies, night clubs, drinking etc. I started liking her and after four months I texted her that I am falling in love with her and asked her if she wants to be more than just friends. She told me she doesn't feel the same way about me, but, she wants to be "Best friends forever" and texted me she would get really depressed if I leave, and she doesn't want me to go!

I don't want to be friends with her, but I do want a second attempt. She is beautiful and I like her. How do I go about this? How do I find out what I was missing that even after hanging out with me for four months, she doesn't want any romantic relationship.

Should I just stop talking to her, stop replying to her messages, and not meet her at all... Maybe she will miss me too!

Does it ever work??

[SuperHappyTime1]

Should I just stop talking to her, stop replying to her messages, and not meet her at all... Maybe she will miss me too!

Does it ever work??

I don't think the silent approach worked last time for you did it?

Stay friends. If there's an event you know you'd both like, invite her to that. Otherwise, just hang out with her as you would normally try to. If she gives the opportunity for you to make a romantic pass at her, take it.

In the meantime, date other women. You don't seem to have an issue with finding them, and you'll probably find a good one.

[Falleninlove]

If you are referring to this girl, well, I never went the silent approach with her yet! In the past 4 months, there hasn't been a single day we didn't talk or hang out!

If you checked the previous posts of mine, well it worked, that girl texted me after 2 months of no contact, and I am talking to her now, but I have lost interest on her so even if it worked, it didn't really work coz I am not interested her anymore!

[melancholia]

I think it's up to you to decide whether you can stay friends with her or not; however, I think it is completely unfair for her to tell you she would be depressed if you "left her", when you want more out of the relationship and she doesn't. It's clear that she likes spending time with you and she enjoys your company, but you do not want to be waiting around for her to (maybe) change her mind. You could miss out on other opportunities for a fulfilling relationship with someone else if you consistently pine for this woman. Having said that, I do believe it's possible for men and women to be friends. I just don't think it's realistic to stay friends if one of you has feelings that aren't reciprocated by the other. It is absolutely unfair for her to expect you to want to be as close as you are, knowing the way you feel about her.

[Falleninlove]

Exactly, why am I supposed to be friends with her, if I am not getting what I expect. She wants a good friend, well, I am a good friend, but I want her to love me, which she doesn't want... So there's no point of me sticking around, when, I am not getting my part... It is unfair to me and I am not ready for it!

Most of my friends are female, so I know a girl and a boy can be friends, but not when I want to date her, that makes the equation very different, because we are no longer friends, the moment I start liking her.

So, I want to be clear to her, either she dates me or its over, but I want to be polite so I know how to do it...

Just stop contacting her completely, or tell her, that it is not possible for me to be friends..

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So, should I just text her, I need a break to think about what I want and if I really just want to be friends? I don't want to make it to rough or bad, so if I do want to patch up later, I can!

[melancholia]

I definitely think that being direct and explaining how you feel is the better route to take, rather than the silent treatment or the cold shoulder. You can explain to her that while you care about her and you value your friendship, you want more than just a platonic relationship and it is not fair to either of you if you both want different things. It's not fair for her to put pressure on you to remain friends when you want more. It's not fair to her for you to try and be her friend when your intentions are different. If she cannot respect your needs and your wishes, then she is certainly not a good friend to you at all. It may hurt her to lose you as a friend, but it is going to hurt you more if you continue pining for her and pretending to be friends when you really want more.

[Falleninlove]

Thank, that is how I feel exactly!!

I am not someone who likes to pretend.. I am a direct person so there is no way I am gonna pretend to be friends...

Either she loves me or either she loses me.. she can't get best of both worlds!

[TheEvilJester]

I think it all boils down to a few simple questions....

1) Would you be okay with just being her friend? If yes, then maybe you consider staying friends.
2) If you remain just friends, would you sincerely move on from your feelings for her and therefore not hold yourself back from other possible relationships? That one can be more difficult to answer because you may sincerely think your answer is yes, but not realize that you truly are just holding yourself back. You should never waste your life waiting around for something that may never happen.

So, unless you can 100% sincerely answer yes to those two questions, I think it is best for you to move on and not remain friends. From what you say, it seems like you, yourself already know you can't see being just friends with her.

Now, you were brave enough to tell her how you felt. Unfortunately, she did not feel the same way. That is not your fault. Don't drive yourself crazy trying to figure out what you did wrong/could have done differently because most likely the answer is nothing. There is probably just some intangible reason why she just did not quite feel the same.

As much as that hurts, (as I think we all know from experience) that doesn't mean she is wrong to not feel the same for you. People cannot help who the do and do not like. It is entirely possible she's not just being cold and closed-minded, maybe for some reason you are just not quite her type. Then again, maybe she is just being cold and closed-minded and not giving you a chance.... but if that WERE the case, why would you want to be with her anyway? You shouldn't have to convince anybody of your worth. If they don't see it themselves, then they don't deserve you in the first place.

So, maybe she's a good person who just didn't feel for you anything more than friendship, or maybe she's a cold-hearted person who is expecting Mr. Perfect to drop into her lap and won't settle for anything less. Who knows? Either way, it doesn't matter because the result is the same for you.

If you don't think you can see just being friends with her, then you owe it to yourself to just move on. I wouldn't say you be rude to her about it, since she really didn't do anything wrong. (Unless she blatantly led you on, but unless I misread it doesn't sound to me like she did.) I think you just tell her you appreciate her friendship, but that you just feel more strongly. Tell her that if she doesn't feel the same way, it would just be best for you to move on for your own good. That shouldn't intended as a way to get her to change her mind, by the way. It is just that you sincerely need to move on in order to be able to get over her.

Good luck to you. I hope you find yourself a girl very soon with whom you hit it off even a million times more than this gal, and that she is equally interested in you.

[Lwalter]

This is a normal case of the friend zone, and there is just one way out of it: Ignore her.
Be honest to her and tell her: "I like you and if we can't date then I can't hang out with you because I don't want my heart broken."
If you become friends with her you'll be heartbroken.
There is a possibility that she'll come back when you say that line though.
Good luck!
Laura