Boyfriend has cold feet

[sammylu]

hi everyone, I am so conflicted about what to make of recent events with my boyfriend. In an effort to keep a long story short...

...my boyfriend and I moved out of state together at the beginning of this year after a lot of thought and planning last year. We have been together for just about 3 years and prior to moving we had agreed that marriage was in our near future. We have been in our new home for about 8 months now and because we had shown so much dedication towards each other (kinda needed that proof before uprooting my entire life) I thought by now we would have been engaged. So I brought it up casually with him as we have done a few times without issue. But this time, something had changed. He went from being fully committed for the past year and half to not being sure what he wants. He has done a complete 180 and I have started to lose my investment in our relationship as a coping mechanism.

It feels like now I have moved 3,000 miles from home with someone who lead me to believe we had a future just to find out he isn't ready to commit after all. He is on this "journey of self discovery" now while we are still together and exclusive but I feel completely left out, alone, and am losing my respect and love for this anymore. The main reason he says he needs this time to find himself is that our relationship is his first real relationship and he wants to be with me but feels like hes been a child up to this point. He just graduated college and is now in his first year of his career, we just made a big move, and I just started going back to school in January. I know we are going through a lot and I respect his effort to "grow up" but why can't we do this together as a couple that is engaged? I have no desire to get married right NOW, probably not for another 2 years, but I feel this deep need for a commitment beyond just dating.

I don't understand why marriage is now freaking him out. I don't understand we can't grow together while also engaged, and why he suddenly needs so much space. It breaks my heart. How do I know when it is time to move on or if I am just being impatient?

[solarion]

As a male in the US of A I can tell you straight up that it is not women that freak me out about marriage, it is the uninvited third party that freaks me out. Anyone, particularly males, that has seen the inside of a family courtroom should be freaked out and carefully consider any decisions that will involve a legally binding agreement with the state.

Obviously you know your guy far better than I do. Suggest you spend some time understanding exactly what is going on with him and what is giving him pause. The number one cause of friction between couples long term continues to be financial concerns of one flavor or another and these topics are often surprisingly difficult to discuss openly.

[sammylu]

Thanks, Solarion. I know marriage is a big deal and if I were a man I would be a bit freaked out by the what-ifs of things not working out. But I am a really chill person... I am not expecting a big fancy ring, I don't even want kids for another 5 or more years... I guess what I mean is that I am a rational person and know that rushing into things is stupid. But he has brought it up soooo much in the past and then as soon as I ask when it will happen things just tanked.

I know this is his first real relationship and I even asked him if he wanted a break to go screw around (pun intended) to get whatever crap he needs to get out of his system. I love him dearly and just want him to be happy. I also don't want to always be wondering if he feels hes missed out and then go cheat on me years later. He of course turned me down saying he only wants to be with me... but still he won't commit so I am just at a loss.

I just want the promise that we love and care for each other. I know as a woman I get swept up in the romantic notion of what marriage is... but before I brought it up with him recently I still felt like things were special, exciting, and definite. Now, I am starting to panic about just how genuine this person is that I am dating and why he allowed me to move so far away with the idea that a proposal would happen shortly after... I never doubted his devotion before, I never felt afraid of it not working out but now it is all I can think and feel. I hate that. I hate that it feels tainted. But I am trying to be an adult and know that we are in reality, not a fairy tale. I have just lost something inside of myself that I had before this happened. I am not sure if that is a red flag or just temporary hurt feelings that may take a few months to get over...

[solarion]

Perhaps he was bringing up marriage in the past to hear himself say it, to talk himself into the idea, as well as to gauge your reaction...to try the idea on for size as it were. It could be a sign of emotional maturity that he is taking the idea seriously and mulling over the consequences.

What makes you say he won't commit to you? The way you talk about him does not sound like someone that questions another's commitment. You gave him a "hall pass" and he declined...that is commitment and it is far more precious than a marriage license. You've been with this guy for 3 years and you are all he has known. I suggest you give him time to figure it out. If it really is about financial commitment for him perhaps the two of you can come to a compromise that would help him to assuage his fears...I'm thinking something along the lines of a legally non-binding ceremony? A trial marriage if you like. It's entirely possible if he gets used to the comfort and security that comes along with calling someone "wife" that he will never give it up.

[ragnos2012]

Honestly whether marriage happens or not. Will that stop you from being with him. Some people are just scared and honestly just give it time. The best thing to do is just enjoy the time you have with one another, when people start worrying about titles or rings, thats when it is no longer natural. I dated a girl for 2 years, and I wanted to get her a engagement ring, but wanted it to be special, but when she started asking for it and demanding it, I never got it. Cause in my mind, I felt like I was now getting it just to shut her up about it, rather then it being a significant meanful gift from me that wasnt manipulated by her to get in the first place. Not saying he's the same, but if your together thats all that should matter, and asking the question could be whats putting a strain on the relationship, cause he's feeling pressured, the only way for it to be legit, is to let him decide when its right. As long as he loves you, is there for you and faithful, this shouldn't be a big deal. Just enjoy each others time.

[fearoflove]

It doesn't sound like it is a financial issue. It sounds like he feels he hasn't lived his life (sampling multiple women, slept around, etc). Some people have the idea that they have to do those things to constitute having "lived his life". Not every guy thinks this way. Some guys (such as my fiancé) wants to get married and we are in our mid 20s. I am his first girlfriend and he doesn't feel the need to sample other women first, sleep around, etc. After graduation and finding a job, his next main goal is to find a wife. He knew what he wanted. There are many different types of men and women out there. Women can also feel the need to sample before "settling down". It is a matter of personal preference. On the other hand, as harsh as it might sound, you are not his "ideal women" (which is very subjective).

It is definitely not right for him to be leading you on while he is on "a path of self-discovery". He doesn't want to lose you but at the same time, he isn't ready. But I think eventually, he is going to choose his self discovery over you. I say, get ready for this relationship to end.

[sammylu]

Ragnos, I do regret bringing it up but at the time it didn't seem like a big deal because he has been so open and upfront about his feelings in the past. When I brought it up he acted very put off and even confessed to looking at an old dating profile shortly after I brought up the question of when it might happen for real. He has since deleted it but that was my reason for offering him the break, which he turned down. He was a mess after telling me he looked at his old profile, which he claims he only did for an hour. It was a stupid small thing so I had my moment and have now moved on. I can't obsess over that, you know? But of course I still wonder if he is happy being with me but upset that he did not explore more options before finding me. What issues could that bring for us in the future?

Fearoflove, he seems to be holding onto a lot of regrets and missed opportunities. I would understand if he feels he missed out and needs to go venture off without me. I would be hurt, of course but I rather him be honest with himself and it not turn into resentment or issues for us later in our relationship. The extent of his self-discovery adventure is talking to a lot of old friends, getting back into working out, eating better, reading, focusing more on school, etc... I am trying to find my place within it but he is doing a lot of this without me. I believe he needs to, but I want to fit into it at some point or else I am not sure it will work.

Overall, he is improving himself which I can respect. I am just having a hard time knowing what that means for us as he is clearly making a bit shift. Will he grow out of our relationship? He claims he has been a child up to this point... I fear he may lump me into his "old life" or habits and break up with me. I do feel like I have already "grown up", so I am not worried about being too immature for him but I do fear him leaving or meeting someone else on his journey to rediscovering himself and growing up. It is really hard to sit back and enjoy the journey when I feel it is so uncertain and I am so far from my home and family. It is honestly very depressing.