Dating My X, She Got Cold Feet

[AnnonymousMan]

Me and my x dated for almost 2 years after she had pursued me and asked me out. It was a pretty rough relationship and ended with her leaving me for another guy. I personally hold no negative feelings for her leaving, but I was bitter over her immediately jumping into a relationship with a guy that I knew was no good. Our old issues consisted mainly of inexperience on both our parts.

He ended up just using her and after only dating him for 2 months, he left her for his x. Apparently he and his x had been off and on for 5 years and of course she was broken over it. Six months go by and me and my x barely ever talked. I ignored her text on my birthday and eventually she just flat out called me and wanted to hang out. She used the excuse of wanting to hang out as just friends but had deeper intentions. She said when I stopped answering the phone she felt something inside and missed me greatly. Needless to say, 3 days of her calling and convincing me I finally said yes to hanging out.

We began talking about old issues and laughing and I eventually told her I couldn't just be friends with her. She said she wanted more yet I had major trust issues since she left me and we sat down and talked about everything. Me and her began seeing each other more and more and eventually started dating again. Five days go by and boom, she gets cold feet and basically tells me she doesn't know if a relationship is good for her right now because being alone appeals to her. I don't get why she even contacted me and began dating me again if she were to flip flop over night like this? It took her a little bit to gain my trust and it just seems like she is toying with me.

Basically she says that she wants a future with me and loves me, yet doesn't know if that is something she wants right now. She says the entire aspect of a relationship compared to her being single isn't that appealing right now. The thing that I don't get is she literally did a 180 over night. She claims she is confused on what she wants but I don't understand how a person even says yes to dating there x again and makes big decisions like that yet flip flops on everything in a single night? I am sure females would have better answers to this. But I am giving her space to think right now. She says there isn't anyone else and that it is just 'her' and wanting to be dependent only on herself without having to deal with a relationship. I do believe she truly cares and all of that, I just think there is something she isn't revealing or telling me since we had the most perfect time together this past week and she cannot even give me a definitive reason as to why her mind changes in a single night.

Any help?

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Drop her completely like you did before. When she comes back, don't say any mushy stuff. Just use her for sex while you look for another girl. Keep your emotions out of it. If she doesn't want to sleep with you, tell her not to talk to you anymore.

[Wakeup]

^^^^ in this particular case, I totally agree with BackUp. This girl plays you so play her back using her own strategy. Thing is... you'll not be able to keep your emotions out of it because to you, she's the prize. so maybe BackUp can explain how he ****s someone he was once in love with while leaving his emotions out of it.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Thing is... you'll not be able to keep your emotions out of it because to you, she's the prize. so maybe BackUp can explain how he ****s someone he was once in love with while leaving his emotions out of it.

Just drop all expectations of getting back together, and stop doing nice things for her. In effect, stop looking at her as the prize. The main focus should be on finding another girl(or two).

I still viewed my ex as a prize when we started hooking up last year, but I had zero expectations of getting back with her. I knew that as things were there was no chance of getting back together at the time, no matter how we felt about each other. We didn't end on bad terms with each other though, and neither of us had any questions about how the other felt. It was kinda like, we can't be together, but we can occasionally hang out and have mindblowing sex with each other. No reason to treat her with less respect. AnonymousMan on the other hand, needs to be more coarse, since this wench is playing games and he has no control. It's very easy for me to dehumanize, and justify all sorts of treatment to someone who acts that way toward me, regardless of previous feelings. I'm inclined to say that last bit is natural, at least partially, but it can be learned..positive results(they'll come) will reinforce the behavior.

[AnnonymousMan]

Drop her completely like you did before. When she comes back, don't say any mushy stuff. Just use her for sex while you look for another girl. Keep your emotions out of it. If she doesn't want to sleep with you, tell her not to talk to you anymore.

Okay so I decided to take your advice a step forward and just flat out text her asking if she wanted to fling for a few months. I made sure to say that I understand she wants no relationship nor a future with me but we could just be friends and have sex since we have nothing to lose. I mainly just wanted to see what her response was and to my amazement she seemed very interested. She said it is appealing and even texted a "" face. lmao I think I not only proved this chick plays games but she is definitely not my prize. I told her to just hit me up whenever she wants me to come over for whatever and in the mean time I plan on dating as many chicks as possible and finding a decent one. I think I do need to just let this crazy bitch go. But I will take your advice and sleep with her in the mean time, then drop her like a piece of trash. You guys gave me good advice, thank you.

[NawDawg]

Dont listen to BUOGS dude. That bro is a sociopath.

[Wakeup]

I told her to just hit me up whenever she wants me to come over

Yea. that'll work. *rolls eyes*

[BackUpOrGetStng]

WakeUp, it will work. The girl is an attention seeker. It really is that easy with girls like this. Guarantee she'll catch feelings again once he has no problem banging her without any further interest.

[Maple1714]

WakeUp, it will work. The girl is an attention seeker. It really is that easy with girls like this. Guarantee she'll catch feelings again once he has no problem banging her without any further interest.

How is this any different from the games she is playing? Yes, your little scenario typically works...but for what? It's also just another game...now he will be just like her....woohoo.

[searock]

Exactly... I don't get people who say stuff like "she's doing it to you, so you do it back to her". If you don't like what she does, why would you choose to do it as well? You should be better than her, shouldn't you. At this point, all I can say is that you two deserve each other.

[Maple1714]

Exactly... I don't get people who say stuff like "she's doing it to you, so you do it back to her". If you don't like what she does, why would you choose to do it as well? You should be better than her, shouldn't you. At this point, all I can say is that you two deserve each other.

Yep...I just don't see the point in using someone else just b/c you can or just b/c they mistreated you. It's not the right way to go about things. This is always Backups approach though...and it just gets people in the situation where they are spinning in circles with the same basic issue. Not everyone can shut off emotion so easily.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Well, the obvious answer is that it's sex he doesn't have to work for anymore. I'm sure you've also heard me say it's easier to get(and get to know) another girl if you already have one, since you won't be so horny. My current g/f didn't want to have sex right away, and obviously, I really wanted to. So while we were hanging out for the first month or so, I was hooking up with other women, and I'm glad I did because it helped me keep my cool with the girl I really liked.

It's not a game because he's being direct and stating his intentions up front.

[searock]

Yep...I just don't see the point in using someone else just b/c you can or just b/c they mistreated you. It's not the right way to go about things. This is always Backups approach though...and it just gets people in the situation where they are spinning in circles with the same basic issue. Not everyone can shut off emotion so easily.

Yes, BackUp always offers the same "advice": use her for sex and look for other girls in the meanwhile. Crap advice, IMO. Not only most people can't shut off emotion so easily, but using people (and hurting them in the process) is a disgusting behavior. Just because someone treated you badly, doesn't mean that you should be an asshole too and treat them badly as well.

If he tells her that he wants to JUST have sex with her, hooking up with other girls and looking for another possible partner in the meanwhile, then it's OK. If he really wants to do this, he's going to have to be completely honest with her. At that point it will be her choice whether to agree to it or not.

[Maple1714]

Yes, BackUp always offers the same "advice": use her for sex and look for other girls in the meanwhile. Crap advice, IMO. Not only most people can't shut off emotion so easily, but using people (and hurting them in the process) is a disgusting behavior. Just because someone treated you badly, doesn't mean that you should be an asshole too and treat them badly as well.

If he tells her that he wants to JUST have sex with her, hooking up with other girls and looking for another possible partner in the meanwhile, then it's OK. If he really wants to do this, he's going to have to be completely honest with her. At that point it will be her choice whether to agree to it or not.

...And most posters like Backups approach on here b/c they are hurting and this is really (in this situation) a form of revenge. It is lame. I have said this before and Backup justifies/rationalizes. It's not good advice...the OP has feelings for this girl. If he didn't, he wouldn't be upset or angry with her.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

It's not revenge. The worst that could possibly happen to her is that she'd be a bit butt-hurt, but she doesn't really care about or respect the guy, so it's really more of a bruised, and she'd have no problem recovering(you are right that I wouldn't care either way though). I'll agree my approach is Machiavellian, but at least I start with pure intentions and give people a fair chance. If someone disrespects me, but I can still gain something from cautious interaction with them, then I probably will. I don't see a problem with it. You do. Agree to disagree. If he takes my advice, and ends up meeting his next girlfriend as a result, then I count that as a win, or she doesn't contact him and he moves on..still a win. Say what you want about my approach, but there is no denying the results.

As for my advice being the same, it's the same advice because by and large, the situations are the same. This site has an inherent negativity to it with a great deal of people coming here on the receiving end of disrespect and game playing. The advice I give is how I deal disrespectful, game players. I've certainly offered you and others plenty of different, more compassionate advice in the past, Searock.