Am I wrong for feeling protective in this?

[Gerard09]

I don't even know if I'm wrong or right. I know I'm protective because I am afraid that many guys would be interested in the person that I am with.

I was upset because my girlfriend wants to celebrate her birthday with a guy who she previously doesn't respond much to his advances. Now she hates me somehow because she cant go out with "a friend" to celebrate her birthday. We were suppose to celebrate together her birthday too and since I had made plans to celebrate her birthday with her, now she says that she does not want to celebrate with anyone.

It all started, the guy who happens to be her university senior "suddenly" gets the her personal number and begin texting her frequently. Start asking if she would wanna go out for movie together, giving so call extra cupcakes which she said he baked, and want to celebrate her birthday. When I became upset knowing that the guys has different intention (obviously!) ,for the girl, her excuse is "It's normal for guy to like a girl, and I cant stop them" or "I cant tell him that I'm seeing someone because so and so never confess to me yet". Nothing wrong to celebrate birthday but he just know her! And vice versa, she just met him and exchange messages via phone. Am I wrong to feel defensive and protective knowing that the guy might have more then just intention to be "a friend". If the girl respect the relationship, she would know how to turn down or instead of showing being "interested" or allowing advances. Speaking of oppurtunity, if guy ask girl out, she could have say that she is going out with her boyfriend. That will somehow hint him that she is taken. If all he wants is to be friends, he would already know his limits and still be friends. Texting frequently with each other was already a sign that things were getting "closer". The guy doesnt know that she seeing someone.

I understand the need to have friends, I have friends who are the opposite gender too but I know whatever I do, I need to think of her in terms of respect for our relationship. I guess I have my bad side but I just hope she sees and understand how I think. Please give me advice...

[basilandthyme]

I'll lay money that it's a mutual thing going on between them. Perhaps as yet unspoken, but I bet there's a spark.

It's normal to go out with friends for one's birthday....but generally with a group of friends. Not just one friend of the opposite sex.

[TheEvilJester]

I'm with basil on this. I don't buy that she is fully "just friends" with this guy. What makes me buy it even less is the rude and disrespectful way she treats you for having a legitimate and understandable concern. If she honestly and sincerely just did not see why there was any problem with hanging out with some other guy for her birthday, then rather than her immature righteous indignation, she'd be understanding and apologetic, and want to at least have a civilized and constructive discussion with you about it. Instead, she acts like a pouty, temper tantrum throwing child saying "FINE! Then I won't do ANYTHING with ANYBODY for my birthday." Methinks the lady doth protest too much.

This isn't like a bunch of girlfriends wanted to get together for her birthday and then you threw a hissy-fit because you thought she should spend the time with you. This also isn't like a big group of her friends (that happened to include some guys) wanted to have a get together for her birthday. This is some other guy who apparently has no clue she has a boyfriend, and seems very obviously into her, and she thinks it is okay to just hang out one on one with him? Not only that, but you don't tend to spend your birthday with some random friend you are basically just getting to know. It would maybe be different if their plan was to get together NEAR her birthday in celebration of it, but to actually spend the VERY DAY of your birthday with a person is to indicate they are pretty important.

Let me also ask you this...

So, did you and her already have plans to do something together on her birthday? Honestly, even if you DID NOT, it doesn't really make it any more okay that she thought it was in any way okay for her to just be hanging out with some guy completely alone, even regardless of it being her birthday. However, if you actually already had plans to hang out together on her birthday, then that only makes it even more deplorable on her part in my personal view. It didn't even have to be specifically set plans like "We are going to do XYZ." It could just have been that you two decided that you would be spending her birthday together. If that was the case, then for her to then toss you aside for some guy is NOT okay in the slightest, and the fact that she acts like she doesn't see why that is a problem is, to me, a million times worse.

Though, frankly, I fail to believe she doesn't see why that is inappropriate. I lean more towards thinking she just doesn't give a crap. Maybe I'm just reacting to this too much based upon my experiences with a selfish ex, but it sounds to me like your gal is pretty selfish as well.

Don't even get me started on her bull crap excuses like "It's normal for guy to like a girl, and I cant stop them" or "I cant tell him that I'm seeing someone because so and so never confess to me yet."

Okay, yeah she is right that it is normal for a guy to like a girl.... but she damn sure CAN put a stop to it, and she doesn't even have to do so in a way that makes her seem rude and presumptuous like she's just assuming his intentions even if she doesn't really know for sure. In other words, she could easily just casually mention that she has a boyfriend. There is no reason she'd have to say it in a way like "I know you like me, but you have to stop hitting on me because I have a boyfriend." All she'd have to do is to say something like "Actually, my boyfriend and I already had plans for my birthday, but maybe we could hang out on another day."

That very politely tells the guy "I have a boyfriend" without her having to embarrass him, or even embarrass herself if it actually turns out that he was only interested in being friends. Then, that leaves him free to decide if he wants to stay friends, or if it would be best just to move on because he wanted to be more than friends but didn't realize she was currently in a relationship.

If this guy doesn't know she has a boyfriend, then she is honestly wronging him just as much as you. By accepting his advances, and by seeming open to hanging out with him, she may well be leading him on that she is available. So, she's really kind of wronging both of you.

Admittedly, I may just be a little biased because of my own past experience. I don't know if this is make or break here, but it sure as hell seems like a super hot burning red flag, if you ask me. If nothing else, I'd at least start to seriously consider whether she deserves you or not. Maybe this only one instance in an otherwise amazing relationship that is worth saving. I wouldn't know. However, I would suggest, at the very least, that you at least keep your eye out for whether she truly deserves to be with you or not. Good luck to you.

[Gerard09]

Thank you for your reply. I don't know what to do,and keeping quiet hurts my heart. I'm not good with words especially in arguments. Words just don't want to come out in that situation maybe because my mind is always in a mess. It took me some time to actually put down what I really want to say. I love her, in fact I consider her the next important person to me after God since I'm a Christian and to me Jesus comes first in my life. Anyway all I'm saying (without getting into any religion debate) is how precious she is to me.

[TheEvilJester]

Well, if that truly is the case then maybe there are redeemable qualities to her and to your relationship that make it worth working to save. Again, as I said, I can't know that. I can only go by the details you share. Based on the details you shared, if I were you I'd be second guessing whether she even deserves me in the first place. To me, there are just too many red flags here for my comfort. First off, she wants to hang out one on one with some guy even though she is in a relationship with you. It isn't like this is a guy she's had as a friend for a long time, even since before you knew each other. This is some random guy she is just getting to know. There is no reason she should be hanging out one on one with him at least until you and her BOTH know this guy well enough to trust him.

Making matters worse, she seems to be well aware of the fact that this guy probably wants to be more than friends with her, and yet she does nothing to gently and subtly make it clear to him that she is not available. Instead, she continues to lead him on.

As if all of that wasn't bad enough.... she sees absolutely no problem with any of this. (Though, again, I would honestly suspect she knows it is wrong but just doesn't give a crap.) ....And yet as if that still wasn't bad enough.... she has the audacity to treat you like YOU are the one who has a problem. NONE of this evidence makes her sound like a very good person to me.

...Again, though, I will reiterate that we can only really react based upon the evidence you share. Maybe she is an AMAZING person, and this is one little mistake in what has otherwise been an absolute dream of a relationship. I wouldn't know. If this is just one little mistake, then maybe you try talking to her about it again with cooler heads. As best you can, don't let it become an argument, just try to keep it as a civil discussion. I also recommend avoiding accusatory and/or blaming language. Even if she IS at fault, it is best to say things like "When you do XYZ, it makes me feel...."

Basically, you want to help her to understand how her actions make you feel, and why it has made you upset. When we are angry, we tend to be quick to react and are definitely not the best us. So, given time to calm down and think it out, you can do better to explain why something would make you upset. Such as in this case, for example..... You are NOT being controlling. The issue isn't that she wants to hang out with a friend and you feel uncomfortable with that. That would be controlling. The problem is, she wants to hang out, one on one with a guy who doesn't know she is in a relationship and very obviously seems interested in her. As best you can, don't let it turn into an argument or point fingers of blame.... but at the same time, stand your ground and DO NOT let her turn it around on you.

I sincerely hope that she really is a great person and this is one teeny tiny little misunderstanding in an otherwise awesome relationship. However, I just ask you to please care about yourself enough not to allow somebody to mistreat you. If the image of her I personally got from your original message (of her being thoughtless and selfish) is closer to reality, then you most certainly deserve better. God preaches forgiveness, but forgiveness does not have to equal allowing the poor treatment to continue. So, if this becomes only the tip of the iceberg and she does more and more to prove perhaps she doesn't deserve you, then forgive her all you want..... just do it from OUTSIDE of the relationship.

Again, I hope it doesn't have to come to that. You care for this gal, so I hope things work out. I just hope that you care enough about yourself to do what is best for you, even if that winds up being the difficult decision. Good luck to you.