am I crazy????

[kp15]

I have been seeing this guy for over 5 years now. It started as a fling but it's now much more than that. We have just about all of the qualities of a committed relationship we just do not have the title. We are not together because he is not ready for monogomy and I am not afraid to admit that. It is what it is. Do I want more? yes. Do I wish that his ex was out of the picture? Yes. But can I make him ready to be in a committed relationship? No. (Unless someone knows something I don't know and wishes to reply in this thread lol)

Lately, I have been almost obsessed with the idea of having a closer relationship with his mom. Is this normal? I have met her once when he took me to church a few months back. But for some reason, lately, I think about what it would be like to have like that mother in law, daughter in law type of relationship even though him and I are not in a committed relationship. Is there something wrong with me? Is it normal to want to have a relationship with a guy's mom that you are not in a committed relationship with? How do I address this?

[melancholia]

I have been seeing this guy for over 5 years now. It started as a fling but it's now much more than that. We have just about all of the qualities of a committed relationship we just do not have the title. We are not together because he is not ready for monogomy and I am not afraid to admit that. It is what it is. Do I want more? yes. Do I wish that his ex was out of the picture? Yes. But can I make him ready to be in a committed relationship? No. (Unless someone knows something I don't know and wishes to reply in this thread lol)

Lately, I have been almost obsessed with the idea of having a closer relationship with his mom. Is this normal? I have met her once when he took me to church a few months back. But for some reason, lately, I think about what it would be like to have like that mother in law, daughter in law type of relationship even though him and I are not in a committed relationship. Is there something wrong with me? Is it normal to want to have a relationship with a guy's mom that you are not in a committed relationship with? How do I address this?

1. You're not crazy.
2. It's not abnormal to crave a closer relationship with the family members of the person you are dating. However, maybe you should look at why you crave this relationship with his mother. Do you believe that if she likes you and that you grow close with her, that he will somehow magically lose his fear of monogamy and commit to you?
3. How have you been in this situation for five years without any progress? It is a relationship, whether there is an official title or not. You are currently in an open relationship, with only one side of it being open.
4. I think you need to take a hard look at this relationship and think about what you are getting out of it. Why are you okay with being stuck in this limbo stage? Don't you believe you deserve more from a relationship? Have you talked to this guy about how you feel and what you want? If you haven't, you need to.

[kp15]

1. You're not crazy.
2. It's not abnormal to crave a closer relationship with the family members of the person you are dating. However, maybe you should look at why you crave this relationship with his mother. Do you believe that if she likes you and that you grow close with her, that he will somehow magically lose his fear of monogamy and commit to you?
3. How have you been in this situation for five years without any progress? It is a relationship, whether there is an official title or not. You are currently in an open relationship, with only one side of it being open.
4. I think you need to take a hard look at this relationship and think about what you are getting out of it. Why are you okay with being stuck in this limbo stage? Don't you believe you deserve more from a relationship? Have you talked to this guy about how you feel and what you want? If you haven't, you need to.

I'm not exactly sure why I crave a relationship with her. I think that I believe if I got to know her I would better understand his actions and why he does what he does. I also think that maybe if I had a relationship with her it would make me feel like me and him are progressing. I will not say that in 5 years we made no progress at all. We went from a relationship that was strictly about sex to him treating me like a girlfriend. We talk just about every day, he buys me gifts, he supports me, he tells me that he loves me and I honestly believes that he does. I mean it is just about a full blown relationship other than the fact that he entertains his ex.

I am not okay with being stuck at this point with him. However, I love him and it is hard to walk away from something that you have invested 5 years into. Do I think I deserve more? Hell I know I do. I have talked to him about it in the past but the conversations get very emotional and I just let it go.

[TheEvilJester]

Are you crazy? You know.... I don't like that term, really. People are always calling me crazy. ....Well, they are until I put their gag back in, anyway. I think they are just jealous that I have all the cool chains, knives, and various implements of torture.

(NOTE: I hope it goes without saying that I am kidding. LOL!)

No, but being serious....

I don't think you are crazy in the slightest for wanting a closer relationship with the family members of the man with whom you want to have a closer relationship. That sentence almost makes my head spin, but it makes sense, I think. ;-)

It makes sense that you would want to be closer with his family. That said, though, I really think you should worry more about being closer with him BEFORE having any concern over being closer with his mother, or any of his family for that matter.

Let me also add that you are NOT crazy for being in a relationship for FIVE YEARS and expecting that it should be progressing to something more serious by now. By 5 years, you sure as heck should be considering yourselves boyfriend and girlfriend, and you sure as heck should be exclusive. I mean, unless you are both into the idea of an open relationship, then I guess that would be entirely different. You obviously want a typical, normal relationship with this fella.

I am curious, but why is his ex still in the picture after 5 years? To be honest with you, that would already be kind of make or break for me. Unless there is a damn good reason (like they have a child together or something) there is NO reason for his ex to be regularly in his life like that. Exactly what role does she have in his life at the moment? Are they still friends with benefits? Considering you claim he is not ready for monogamy, I kind of wonder.

My suggestion WOULD be to start to have conversations with him about where this relationship is going. My advice WOULD be not to do so in an argumentative way or anything like that, but just have a serious, constructive conversation to decide whether you two want the same things in life. ....It WOULD be my advice.... if it weren't for the fact that you seem to say you've already had those conversations, and he just dodges them.

It will have to be your decision, but I'd honestly ponder whether it was time to start getting more serious. Were I you, I'd be tempted to start getting a little bit less cordial in those discussions and a little more forceful. Still maybe not go a complete 180 and give him an ultimatum or anything, but I would personally think it is time to start planting the seeds that you need and deserve something more serious, and if that can't be him after all this time, then you need to move on. I always suggest actually getting to the point of giving somebody an ultimatum as an absolute last resort, hence why I don't necessarily think you do that yet, but I do think the kid gloves come off at this point.

Reason being, if you wind up having to give somebody an ultimatum, it honestly just becomes a no-win situation. If you get what you want, there is still the resentment that you basically had to drag them into it to get what you want, so it feels somewhat empty. If you don't get what you want, the relationship ends anyway. So, again, it really should be a last resort kind of thing, at which point I'd personally ponder just ending it anyway rather than even bothering with an ultimatum.

Good luck to you. I sincerely hope things work out for you. You care about this guy, so my ultimate wish for you would be that he could wake up and realize what he has in you and that he'd never want to lose you. If he can't do that, though, then my second most wish for you would be that you can realize that before much longer, and free yourself to find the guy who WILL be falling all over himself to be with you.

[kp15]

Are you crazy? You know.... I don't like that term, really. People are always calling me crazy. ....Well, they are until I put their gag back in, anyway. I think they are just jealous that I have all the cool chains, knives, and various implements of torture.

(NOTE: I hope it goes without saying that I am kidding. LOL!)

No, but being serious....

I don't think you are crazy in the slightest for wanting a closer relationship with the family members of the man with whom you want to have a closer relationship. That sentence almost makes my head spin, but it makes sense, I think. ;-)

It makes sense that you would want to be closer with his family. That said, though, I really think you should worry more about being closer with him BEFORE having any concern over being closer with his mother, or any of his family for that matter.

Let me also add that you are NOT crazy for being in a relationship for FIVE YEARS and expecting that it should be progressing to something more serious by now. By 5 years, you sure as heck should be considering yourselves boyfriend and girlfriend, and you sure as heck should be exclusive. I mean, unless you are both into the idea of an open relationship, then I guess that would be entirely different. You obviously want a typical, normal relationship with this fella.

I am curious, but why is his ex still in the picture after 5 years? To be honest with you, that would already be kind of make or break for me. Unless there is a damn good reason (like they have a child together or something) there is NO reason for his ex to be regularly in his life like that. Exactly what role does she have in his life at the moment? Are they still friends with benefits? Considering you claim he is not ready for monogamy, I kind of wonder.

My suggestion WOULD be to start to have conversations with him about where this relationship is going. My advice WOULD be not to do so in an argumentative way or anything like that, but just have a serious, constructive conversation to decide whether you two want the same things in life. ....It WOULD be my advice.... if it weren't for the fact that you seem to say you've already had those conversations, and he just dodges them.

It will have to be your decision, but I'd honestly ponder whether it was time to start getting more serious. Were I you, I'd be tempted to start getting a little bit less cordial in those discussions and a little more forceful. Still maybe not go a complete 180 and give him an ultimatum or anything, but I would personally think it is time to start planting the seeds that you need and deserve something more serious, and if that can't be him after all this time, then you need to move on. I always suggest actually getting to the point of giving somebody an ultimatum as an absolute last resort, hence why I don't necessarily think you do that yet, but I do think the kid gloves come off at this point.

Reason being, if you wind up having to give somebody an ultimatum, it honestly just becomes a no-win situation. If you get what you want, there is still the resentment that you basically had to drag them into it to get what you want, so it feels somewhat empty. If you don't get what you want, the relationship ends anyway. So, again, it really should be a last resort kind of thing, at which point I'd personally ponder just ending it anyway rather than even bothering with an ultimatum.

Good luck to you. I sincerely hope things work out for you. You care about this guy, so my ultimate wish for you would be that he could wake up and realize what he has in you and that he'd never want to lose you. If he can't do that, though, then my second most wish for you would be that you can realize that before much longer, and free yourself to find the guy who WILL be falling all over himself to be with you.

Thank you for your reply TheEvilJester.

As far has he and his ex go, even after 6 years of being broken up, she still wants to try to work things out. (They have tried numerous times to fix things but it always fails.) They never have officially gotten back together though because it always fails before it even makes it that far. I don't know what it is that makes her want something so dysfunctional and what is that makes him even entertain someone that he can't get along with.

I do agree with you about the whole ultimatum deal. If if I have to beg someone for something, I don't want it at all. I never want to make anyone feel like I am making them do anything. However, I will say in a an no so argumentative way that I want more and hopefully soon and very soon it will be all or nothing.

[TheEvilJester]

Wait.... am I just misunderstanding or is there something fishy about that timing? So, 6 years after they broke up, she still wants to work things out? He's been with you for FIVE YEARS. How has she not taken the hint that they can't work things out because he is with you now? I could understand for that first year if he wasn't in a new relationship yet. But if I am understanding what you are saying correctly, then that means she's basically been trying to worm him away from you for FIVE YEARS. Not only is that pathetic on her part, but how has he not made it 100% crystal clear that, because he is with you now, he's not going to even entertain that?

I guess it is best I don't comment on that any further. I'm frankly pondering why you put up with that for five years, but I will assume that there are plenty of good qualities he has that have brought you this far. So, I can't be so quick to judge.

However, I do think that is the right approach..... That now is the time to start being a little more serious about what you want. Honestly, it doesn't even have to be argumentative at all. Bottom line is, you want a more serious relationship, and if he still can't see the happening after five years, then maybe it is time for you to move on. Maybe he doesn't want something more serious. Fine. That is his decision, and he's entitled to it. But, the bottom line is he can't drag you along if that IS what you want. So, if it turns out you two just don't want the same thing, he needs to be honest about that and let you go.

Good luck to you. I hope it doesn't have to come to that, but I just hope you do care about yourself enough to realize you deserve a committed partner just as much as anybody.

It is just a shame for me that nobody is looking for a partner who should BE committed. Then maybe I'd have better luck. LOL!

(Again, I'm kidding.

.....OR AM I? DUN DUN DUN!!!!!)