Guilt - Am I a bad person?

[jdeezy]

Recently broke up with SO of 5 years. Both 28. Throughout the relationship we talked about future stuff, buying a house, kids etc. Most importantly, I told her to go look at wedding rings, which she did. I loved making her happy and knew that is what she wanted so I probably suppressed a little voice that was saying this might not be the right fit.

I also told her I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. Which in the moment I felt like I did. She was amazing and I was happy, so why wouldn't I? I thought.

Once it came time to buy a ring, the feeling that something was off got stronger and stronger. I got scared that id marry her and not end up happy, crushing both of us in the process.

So instead I ended things, which also of course crushed her. She says I am taking away everything we built and that I allowed her to get excited about everything and then took it away.

I feel horrible about everything, but especially guilty for the wedding ring talk and allowing myself to talk so much of the future. How horrible am I? Anyone felt this way?

[melancholia]

You're not horrible - get a grip! There are far worse things you can do than break up with someone. However, what is the real reason you ended the relationship? Is there a deep rooted issue that you two never resolved? Do you have a paralyzing fear of commitment? I think if you do some soul searching to try and figure out why this wasn't working, it will benefit you in the long run. Sometimes relationships run their course - most relationships have an expiry date and fall apart. It takes people who are dedicated to each other and committed to staying together, and consistently working on improving and guiding their relationship to a place where both parties are happy and content. Both people have to put in 100% of their effort in order for a relationship to be successful, and if one person is putting in 100%, but the other person is only putting in 70%, it's just not going to last. Relationships are give and take, but if you're not happy in your current relationship then the best thing you can do is end it and move on. You will both survive and you will find other people to be with in the future. Too many people get married because they feel coerced into it. They feel it's expected of them to get married by a certain time, and the pressure to conform to that ideal can put a lot of people in positions where they feel they don't have a choice. You do have a choice, and you decided not to get married. A lot of people cast their true feelings aside because it's easier to do that than it is to hurt someone else, or deal with the aftermath of showing your true feelings.

Focus on yourself, focus on what makes you happy, and work on improving your personal relationship with yourself. "Hold company with yourself so sacred, than even when you're alone, you are whole." That quote really helped me when I left my ex of 5 years. It was really hard to leave that relationship. I thought he was The One; I thought we were going to get married and have children together, and then that relationship fell apart and I had to make a choice to end the relationship and try and be happy again, or to power through the misery and possibly wind up more miserable in the end. In the beginning, I was so afraid of being alone, so I stuck with a relationship that wasn't right for me out of fear. But later on, my fear of being with the wrong person and missing out on a life that would bring me happiness and joy, was scarier. I'd given him five years of my life, and the fear of giving him another year, or five, far outweighed my fear of being alone. I've accomplished more in the two years I've been single than I ever did in the five years we were together. I've learned so much about myself and what I want (and don't want) from a future relationship. You are not a bad person, even if you feel bad right now. It just means you're human. Sometimes you need that space to breathe and to re-evaluate what is important in your life.

[lightstar]

why did you end it? I don't think breaking uo makes you a bad person at all. People break up all the time. But I just hope you don't regret your decision in the future as you said you were happy

[Wakeup]

Learn a lesson from this. Stop talking about "spending the rest of your life" with someone and just live your lives. You will find that the relationship will naturally move forward or it will end without you having had made promises and said things that end up not materializing.

I think she should have known you were not into marrying her the minute you "told her to go look at wedding rings" instead of just surprising her or.... going together to look at them.

Don't feel guilty though. If everyone stopped the run-away-train and got off before they married when they were having doubts, there would be far fewer divorces taking place.

Do her the kindness of going zero contact with her so that she can more quickly heal from her disappointment as well as the withdrawl from the habit of having you in her life.

[nheeya]

Relationship will never work out if one has bundle of doubts from the start.