Why Do They Insist on Keeping in Touch?

[indigosoul]

Again. I grasp the wrong end of the stick. This is how it went with me: She (she tells me) wanted to maintain a friendship because being able to maintain friendships with ex-lovers was an important part of her identity. It was important for her to feel as if everything was "okay" with the spurned partner; that any damage that may have been done either way was forgiven on both sides. And one or two other things along those lines. These things were important because they represented a successful shift from love to friendship. Successfully making that shift indentified her to herself. It confirmed that she was kind, an honest communicator, caring, considerate and so on. After all, she was still friends with all her ex-lovers (and ex-husband) to one degree or another. Didn't that prove she was all those good things? Otherwise, they couldn't maintain friendships, could they?

What she'd overlooked all those years, though, was that ALL those ex-lovers had two qualities in common: they didn't love HER. They loved what they SAW in her. It was easy for them to shift gears. They had no investment in HER. They had only invested in what they wanted to see in her. When that changed, it didn't really have a big impact on either party. Everybody was chasing shadows anyway. Which brings me to the second thing her ex-lovers had in common: They weren't friends. They were acquaintances. Carrying on in the role of an acquaintance is a very easy thing to do when you never loved the person in the first place.

She saw that her ex-lover/friends were less than what friends should be. She saw that the love they'd shared was less than the love she'd sought. It was a jaw dropper for her. When these and similar realizations hit her, she took a look around, saw me still standing there, unimpressed and untroubled, and the lights came on. She had to do a serious re-evaluation of what love and friendship actually meant to her.

My reasons for still being there were addressed at meeting a different standard.

*whew*

::gibbering on the cliff edge::

This is nothing short of amazing. Deep.. I'm speechless... there will be some who'll scoff, but this screams "TRUTH" to me... man, you are one deep guy. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts.

[nomas]

if you missed it, scroll up a few to see her reasons why she wanted to hold on as friends

Where? Maybe I'm blind but I couldn't find where she gives her reasons why...can you give me the post number?

[whaywardj]

Good grief. I don't know the number. Indi quoted it in full though. Appears the post number was 46 (?)

[nomas]

Good grief. I don't know the number. Indi quoted it in full though. Appears the post number was 46 (?)

Oh! My bad..I thought you were referring to Arty's reasons..you were talking about your own situation all along..

My mistake..

[artyemi]

Oh! My bad..I thought you were referring to Arty's reasons..you were talking about your own situation all along..

My mistake..

oi.. this post isn't about me, you know? but i guess now you do...

[Illusional]

umm.. is it really that hard to figure out?? i'm sure that the answer already llies in the previous x amount of pages, so i probably won't need to tell you.

raverboy

[artyemi]

people are crazy, confused, and don't know what they want...

and they like having doormats..