Lesson Learnt

[Friendlysmiles]

When you get out of a relationship (dumped or not),the first thing you should draw out is what you did wrong or right in the relationship,most of us refuse to learn our lesson from our past relationships,making the same mistakes all over again,trust me there is a lesson to be learnt in every relationship no matter how bad and how short.

[TheEvilJester]

I don't know if I agree that it should be the first thing you do, but I definitely agree it should at least be one of the first. I personally think sometimes it can be better by starting with focusing on what did the OTHER person do wrong. The reason for this is I think it can help you avoid falling into that depression/shame spiral of feeling like you screwed up. I mean, if you DID royally screw up, then you SHOULD learn from that and better yourself.... but in most cases, there are two sides to every break up. Rarely is only one person guilty.

So, I think it can actually be more helpful to focus on how your partner screwed up. It can allow you to move on and realize that they lost out on just as much by losing you. That they are not some amazing, wonderful creature that you screwed up and lost. That there can and will be somebody out there for you that you will like just as much as you did them, even more.

Though, yes, I definitely think you should also then focus on what you may have done wrong. Because, on the flip side of that coin, you don't want to ignore the mistakes you made and just assign blame 100% to the other person. Otherwise, you don't learn from your own mistakes and you may just make them again in another relationship.

[Friendlysmiles]

Yeah i agree with you,most important thing is to pick up something from each relationship so as to help the next

[megvoh]

I agree with TheEvilJester in no way is that the 1st thing one should do when out of a relationship. That would be considered dwelling and punishing yourself and the first thing you should do is change your mind, don't think about them and heal yourself to move on.

[drleo]

am sure the first thing we all want to know is what went wrong then after getting it, we learn from it

[TheEvilJester]

Well, okay, so we have some differences of opinion over what should come first and second....

However, I think we can all agree that the third thing you should ask yourself is....

"Why do they call them fingers when they don't fing?"

:-D

[topazlight]

The above is funny.

I find I cry a lot when out of a relationship .. heartbreak is painful and shedding tears do me good and when that passes I try to take at least one thing no matter how small of good they gave me and try to take that instead of the hurt and pain away with me when associating whatever with that person.

[TheEvilJester]

That is so positive. I love it. You rock, topaz.

I will say this, though.... Don't let get lost in translation, so to speak, the fact that they still wronged you and that you are probably better off without them. Yes, certainly move on and let go of the pain, but just don't lose the lesson. Maybe they also had positive effects on your life in the long-run, but that is more so because YOU made positives out of your experiences with them, not because THEY provided any positives.

Again, though, what a wonderful way to put a positive spin on a bad thing. I think that is a great way to go about it. Instead, focus on the good in you that came out of your experience.

[pcmaster]

I don't know if I agree that it should be the first thing you do, but I definitely agree it should at least be one of the first. I personally think sometimes it can be better by starting with focusing on what did the OTHER person do wrong. The reason for this is I think it can help you avoid falling into that depression/shame spiral of feeling like you screwed up. I mean, if you DID royally screw up, then you SHOULD learn from that and better yourself.... but in most cases, there are two sides to every break up. Rarely is only one person guilty.

So, I think it can actually be more helpful to focus on how your partner screwed up. It can allow you to move on and realize that they lost out on just as much by losing you. That they are not some amazing, wonderful creature that you screwed up and lost. That there can and will be somebody out there for you that you will like just as much as you did them, even more.

Though, yes, I definitely think you should also then focus on what you may have done wrong. Because, on the flip side of that coin, you don't want to ignore the mistakes you made and just assign blame 100% to the other person. Otherwise, you don't learn from your own mistakes and you may just make them again in another relationship.

You wrote that like real alpha male Jester. Some of your posts emits a lot of strength.

[TheEvilJester]

LOL! Well, thank you. Never really thought of myself as an "alpha male." Still, as goofy of a source as it is, I love this quote from Terminator 3:

"Anger is more useful than despair."

Truth is, sometimes anger actually CAN be both healthy and helpful. As long as you don't allow it to dwell for too long or take over your life, anger can actually be a constructive tool to help you move on and heal.