A lesson learnt. The do's and don'ts post break up (Based on my experiences).

[olb30]

Hi Guys,



I'll try and contribute to the forum with my own advice that I wish I could have followed after my break up.

I know there's loads of similar threads but here's my own easy list of dos and donts.


About my situation:

Maybe you can relate.

I Was in a loving long term relationship. Three years we were togther and she ended it very abruptly for quite pathetic reasons.


I was a mess for a couple months. Wasn't eating, wasn't working, felt lonely and so so heart broken.

I am now in a much better state of mind, and I can now reflect on the mistakes I made after the break up.

This was a break up where I REALLY wanted her back and perhaps if I did things differently I may not be writing this right now.



The do's:

For gods sake cut off ALL contact. NC works.
It will help you move on and it will make your ex miss you. Go NC for days, then weeks. It's hard but good for you.
I won't write much on NC. There's lots of threads about it already but its no guarantee that your ex will come back.
It works by helping you slowly move on and making them miss you.

However don't delete them from Facebook or Twitter imeditetly. It can be a useful tool to show them what a good time you are having without them, but do this wisely and carefully.

Eventually though you might have to delete them from social networks as it's incredibly difficult seeing what they are up to without you.
It's a double ended sword.


Back off.
Seriously- Back off. Leave them be, and I mean for a few weeks. You have to let them know you aren't around for them anymore.
Give the other person space and time. They need to be alone with their thoughts and straighten things out in their head.
Remember the break up will be hard for them too (In most cases).

Think about yourself.
You have to put yourself first. Make sure you eat, have routine and focus on yourself.


Socialise.
Go out with friends and try and make new ones.
I didn't realise how little friends I had until I broke up with my girlfriend. Once she was gone my social life was pretty boring, so focus on your social life too.

Meet new girls / boys.
I don't mean go out and sleep with the first person who is up for it. Though it might help some people having rebound sex.
You need to realise that there are people out there who are just as good or even better than the person you dated for so long.
It takes time to see this.



DONT's:

Go crazy.

By this I mean stalkerish and creapy. It will end badly. Very badly.


Try to be friends
Trust me, this won't work. Maybe in time, yes you will become friends but you are NOT friends and nor should you try to be friends.
You were in a relationship and you don't just make an automatic transition from that into friendship.

Beg for them to come back.
It's not attractive and it will push them away. You need to make yourself worth something and by begging it only pushes them away.

Get jealous or angry
If you see her/him out with people, don't let yourself get jealous. They will probably be wanting to date other people at some point. it's inevitable so let it happen and stay calm. I mistook her new friends as potential new boyfriends and it made me angry, so don't worry too much as they could be just new friends.

IF they come back. DON'T accept them back straight away.
If they come back then for your own self respect don't just let them have you back. Remember they dumped you and broke your heart.
Think carefully about getting back together but at the very least don't make it easy for them to crawl back.

Dwell or live in hope
They may come back, they might not.
Assume that they won't and things will be easier for you. No matter how hard it is, don't live in hope of them coming back saying how sorry they are.



I guess this is a quick overview of what I learnt during my traumatic few weeks after my break up

I made all of the mistakes above and it didn't go well for me.


Hope this is somewhat helpful!

[michelle23]

i agree with everything apart from meeting other people. i think you need to be alone for 6months to realy grieve the loss before dating again. i think its okay to flirt a bit and get some sttention just to boost your self-esteem a bit but other then that your emotionally unavailable and need to heal.

plus at the slim chance that you do get back together-you dont want another person stuck in the middle that can cause trust issues and insecurities between you.

i think i could forgive a temporary break but if he slept with someone else during that break-it would be an official breakup for good with no going back.

[basilandthyme]

I think this is brilliant advice olb. You've come a long way.

Can I add one more thing? Don't judge another person's reason for ending things as being pathetic.

If they are comfortable with their rationale, it's all that really matters. While you may not agree with the reason, the fact remains that they need to end the relationship because, for whatever reason, it's no longer working for them. Wanting a reason which lives up to your own standards does nobody any good.

[smackie9]

No one is going to follow that....waste of time. They keep coming here in droves.

[MiAAh__]

Good post. I find myself being jealous and angry at my ex...his life seems so happy without me and it leaves me in wonder like I wasn't good enough or something. I guess that's something that I need to work on obviously because I'm basically torturing myself.

[overanxious]

Good post. I find myself being jealous and angry at my ex...his life seems so happy without me and it leaves me in wonder like I wasn't good enough or something. I guess that's something that I need to work on obviously because I'm basically torturing myself.

i hear you and in the same boat....and i guess sometimes i kick myself telling myself theres things i could have done more of and less of to keep her happier....but i did do alot...just seemed like a bottomless pit...her father once said in front of us "i think you are too hard on him" in kind of a tongue in cheek manner....and i wonder if she was always this hard and will always be....she had destroyed my heart and mind....and cant help but wonder if thats what she wanted to do all along.....i was devalued....made out to be a bad guy....and i wasnt

[overanxious]

even worse...today i found out a very close friend of mine and his gf of 8.5 years brokeup....so sad....and i know how much he his hurting...prob even worse than i ever was....we went out drinking but he wouldnt really open up...which is fine....but i feel just as terrible for him

[vmartin143]

I recently got my heart broken, I heard about this new show (exandwhycasting.com)
I am thinking about applying, what do you think?

[lamobatsman]

It's hard not to be jealous if she found new friends that u think are potential new bfs. Also hard not to be stalker ism n creepy

[T.L]

I made a hug mistake After he said goodbye in his email, I replied him with a long email and then sent a voice message and an SMS - asked him to forgive me for my mistake (he knew I was on a dating site) and beg him to come back ( In my voice message (its an over 4 minutes audio file), I sobbed and begged him for another chance...

I wish I didnt do that, but I cant change it now. I feel ashamed, humiliating besides miserable with a broken heart. I wish I could be calm... Now Im calmer and waiting to see how it goes, after I got a short email from him today, which was "hi how is your day ?" (thats it). I of course answered him in a short email too. But I need some advice how to keep him contacting me and earn his interest again...

Thanks

[basilandthyme]

T.L. I can't speak for others, but I've humiliated myself more times than I care to remember. Hang in there....the feeling will pass with time.

[pcmaster]

I made a hug mistake

First of all forgive yourself and chill out. No one like crying people or insecure needy objects. Once you realise that pain is tempory and best way how to live is forgive(you need that inner feeling that you good and its not your fault) and forget your past. With past in your mind there will not be a future. Past is for old people who dont have a future.

[michelle23]

TI sorry but you broke his trust and hurt him. You need to let him go now. He deserves better than that and you both know it

[smackie9]

Why be so upset? because you got busted? Just face reality here...you were on that site for a reason. Just admit you didn't think much of your relationship....just let it go.