No contact with ex - would really appreciate some advice!

[Blondie114]

Hi all, I would really welcome some advice and support right now...

I was seeing a guy for almost 18 months (relatively long distance). It wasn't straightforward from the start... When we met I was separated and in the very early stages of divorce. He told me he was divorced and really helped me through my own process. A few months later I discovered (long story) that actually he wasn't divorced at all, although he assured me he was separated... Anyway to cut a long story short we split then as I didn't want to be involved in a messy situation like that... But he came back, said divorce papers were filed etc... I went back.. This happened a couple of times (throughout all this my own divorce finalised). I genuinely have never felt about anyone else, the way I did about him. I really believed he was my soulmate, my perfect man...

We split again just before Christmas and then just after Christmas he promised me divorce was definitely going ahead, he couldn't live without me, hadn't ever felt this way about someone before, I was his soulmate... All the usual.

I saw him a couple of weeks ago and things were great, HE was talking about the future, us moving in together, marriage... The lot. I didn't say much, although I was happy about how things were going.

Then a week later he tells me that he 'doesn't have time' for a relationship and 'isn't ready' for one (bearing in mind this has been going on for 18 months!). So I'm super confused and told him so. He said he'll always love me, he'll miss me so much etc etc and wanted us to stay in touch ... Merely platitudes or sincere? Who knows!

At that point I sent him a text saying I wished him the best and a lifetime of happiness and that I'd always cherish the memories we made. That was 8 days ago and I've decided I need to go 'no contact' in order to get us both out of this destructive cycle of behaviour.

He text me the next morning to say my message had made him cry and that he'll always love me. I didn't reply. A couple of days later he text saying 'hi how are you?' And then again 2 days after that a message saying 'I hope you're ok'. I haven't replied to anything, but it's hard... I miss him. He hasn't been in touch for a couple of days now.

We used to be in touch every day, and I miss that contact. I don't think he knows what he wants and I'm not even sure I can believe / trust what he says any more... But I can't help but miss him and sometimes when I think about it the emptiness feels overwhelming. I just need someone to reassure me I'm doing the right thing 😔

[Blondie114]

Really would appreciate some advice if anyone's got time... Day 9... Struggling! Don't want to fail

[TheEvilJester]

Believe me, you ARE doing the right thing. If it weren't for one thing, I'd say he didn't necessarily do anything wrong. Though it isn't necessarily a good idea, it's also not directly wrong to date while you are still going through a divorce..... as long as you are honest about it.

He's lied to you, not just once, but several times about his divorce being finalized. To me, honestly, that would put his trustworthiness way too much in doubt for me to ever trust him if I were you. Hell, if he'd have been honest with you right from the start, maybe you could have been okay with that. Heck, you were going through the same thing. He blatantly lied to you.... and then did it again.

So, yes, you are definitely doing the right thing. Hopefully he will take the hint and back off. If not, though, then in time, once you feel ready, just send him a short simple note. Basically just something to the effect of "I really do appreciate the time we shared, and I appreciate all that you did for me when I was going through my rough patch. All the same, I really think it is best for us to just go our separate ways. I wish you the best, but I need to move on."

Obviously put that in your own words, but just something to tell him, in no uncertain terms, that you are NOT interested in getting back together.

Believe me, I understand how you feel. I went through a divorce myself. I can relate to how devastating it can be to think you've found the one for you.... even SO surely that you wind up married.... only to later realize how wrong you were. All I can say is you DO deserve better, and you WILL find it. Just please care enough about yourself not to settle for another loser just because he was the first to come along. It can be hard not to want to jump into another relationship because you want to feel complete.

However, the real answer is to re-learn how to be happy, and how to feel complete just within yourself. You need to become re-acquainted with an AWESOME person you lost a while back.... YOU. Remember how awesome you are, and that any guy would be lucky to have you. You deserve somebody who would appreciate that, not somebody who would take that for granted and/or jerk you around. Don't get me wrong. I am NOT suggesting you become cocky, or think you are God's gift to the world, or anything like that. I'm just saying, you need to realize that you DO deserve happiness, and that you deserve it enough that you'd be better off being happy by yourself then being stuck with a jerk who doesn't deserve you.

Good luck. You rock! Maybe you aren't feeling that right now (I know that from experience) so I will say it for you.

[Gladimeir15]

I just need someone to reassure me I'm doing the right thing 

Yes definitely you did the right thing...You have to move on. You can't be happy if you will still be attached with your past. Let it go, consider it as a part of your life that served as a lesson and reason to move on. You could find a better someone who could reciprocate your feelings without any doubt. You deserve to be happy.

[WalkerX]

Advice is easy to give, but give some good advice may be difficult. To hear a bad advice may feel nice if it is what one wishes to hear and a good advice may taste bad as a good medicine.

You could try to reply the same way short as he if he texts but then you just see if anything more happens.

He might be too busy with his own confusion so he cannot deal with you now. He maybe comes in your life or maybe not. You shouldn't worry about that because to worry makes no good. You only make yourself to suffer if you worry. Just let it go and see if it returns some day - maybe it will maybe not.

Don't expect or wish anything. That will not make anything to become true - just live your life.

If you are stuck in something you wish, you are blind and don't see what there is to get. You could google "Love: Nearness and Broken Hearts?" to find some realism in a book.