Am I in the wrong? What do I do?

[boredatwork]

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend since February 2015 now and it started off from a rocky start. From the beginning, I saw controlling features in him and about 3 months in I saw his temper. In my friendship group (which is all very close) is someone I used to like and slept with a couple of times; there was nothing between us except friendship when I got with my boyfriend, and we remained friends. Sometimes my friend would text me asking for help with studying whilst we were at school- we would literally sit in a teachers room with teachers around, whilst I helped him. I also was one of the only people that knew about his depression/suicidal thoughts. My boyfriend realised that we used to be how we were, and said I had lied to him and that I was texting him behind his back, which I hadn't, I would have happily told if he asked. Due to this reaction, I have since lied to him about texting my guy friends because I have been scared of what will happen, saying it hasn't happened and he has found out through looking through my phone. Recently, (twice) he has looked through my archived imessages on my laptop and my facebook messages, where he found in the second month of our relationship, me saying to my friend that 1. I preferred taller guys, 2. I looked at one of my exes facebook pages, 3. I found it strange to see my ex kissing someone in front of me, 4. I found someone really attractive when I was on holiday (this was also at a time we were REALLY rocky, as I was away and it made him angry (?)). I have spoken to my friends about this, and how he has been controlling me and my mental health has plummeted, alongside a family member who believes that I have done very little actually wrong. I would never cheat on him, I just don't want to completely sever my friendships (he thinks you cannot be friends with a guy). Recently, he punched through my favourite wall print and smashed two of ornaments, all on separate occasions, because of something he didn't like, such as me not telling him I was smoking at a party. The problem is, he understands me on a very deep level and we have had some amazing times, travelling and laughing together; we even have a trip away booked for his birthday next week. But now he feels so hurt by me, what can I do?

[melancholia]

Why wouldn't you just dump your controlling, overly jealous boyfriend? The problem isn't your friend/ex FWB, the problem is you are in an abusive relationship with someone who doesn't treat you right. Don't you believe you deserve to be treated better than that?

[boredatwork]

Why wouldn't you just dump your controlling, overly jealous boyfriend? The problem isn't your friend/ex FWB, the problem is you are in an abusive relationship with someone who doesn't treat you right. Don't you believe you deserve to be treated better than that?

I don't know, I constantly feel like I am the one who is in the wrong? I feel trapped and finding it hard to find a way out.

[melancholia]

After reading my previous post, I think my delivery may have come across as judgmental, when really I am trying to ask you the tough questions so that you can start processing your feelings and come to a decision about this relationship. I apologize if the way I stated my initial post came across as judgmental -- that was not my intention at all.

First, and foremost, you are not in the wrong here. It sounds like you've noticed some red flags in his behavior since the beginning of your relationship, but you chose to either ignore those red flags and create excuses for his behavior. I know how it feels to feel stuck in a relationship. 3 years ago, I was in the exact same position you are in. You give everything you have to this one person, who says they love you, and even treats you well part of the time... but then all they seem to do is hurt you, until they start to apologize or treat you nicely again, and it f&cks with your head and your heart. Trust me, I get it. I really do. I know how hard it is to force yourself to get out of a relationship you know is bad for you. It's typical of codependent/abusive relationships for the abused individual to withdraw from their friends/family/interests... that's how abusive relationships work. The abuser creates a space for the abused person in a way where they can only depend on their abuser. What we often forget, is that we actually have the power. You do have the power to leave this relationship, but you continue to talk yourself out of that because it's easier to stay stuck in the relationship than it is to actually cut the cord (so to speak).

Do you have friends or family members, or even a local community center/place of worship that could help you if you do break up with him? Having a good support system with people who are willing to be dedicated to helping you move forward, is extremely important. If I didn't have my family by my side when I left my ex, I would probably be married to him with a baby, and absolutely f*cking miserable. Don't allow yourself to stay stuck with someone who can't give you what you need.

You deserve better than this, but until you believe that for yourself, you will continue to stay stuck right where you are. Prove to yourself that you are worth more than this, because you do deserve to be happy, and to be with someone who will love you and respect you and make you feel safe, respected, and loved.