Boyfriend said some really hurtful things...What do I do?

[kenz94]

My boyfriend and I have been together for two years. There have been a lot more great moments than bad moments. However, my boyfriend deals with arguments in our relationship by getting angry. I try to resolve conflicts by talking and trying to make the situation better face to face, and he just wants me to go away. Tonight, I went over to his house and wanted to talk to him about how when we are apart he never communicates with me or barely responds to me. I asked for a minute of his time to talk and he said he didn't want to. I decided to say a few words anyway just explaining how I felt and he responded with mean comments such as "You should know the answer" and ignoring me. I got upset that he was acting this way and he tells me to leave (this is at 1 am and my house is locked and I have no key and we are supposed to go on a trip tomorrow)...I pleaded with him that I won't bother him anymore and that I apologize for bugging him. He walked out of the room and I tried just to stop him to try and make things better. Some of the things that he said to me are I hate you, I never loved you, You are an uninteresting person, Noone has ever loved you, to shut the eff up, and that I wasn't anything special. I just feel heartbroken. He has said similar things to me when we have gotten into arguments before, but some didn't hit my heart quite as hard as the ones tonight did. He refused to sleep in the same room as me. I can only hope that things are going to be better in the morning but I have no idea. He did look very tired and I have no idea if he acted this way because he was tired as he was saying these things.
I do have my own problems such as sending too many texts sometimes, and I apologized for that to him. We are really happy together and I care about him so much. I assume I was being clingy towards him and he was getting irritated. We have been living together since May and it has been great. I just am scared how he is going to act in the morning and what i should do or say to him. All I want is for things to be better.

[zoebaxter]

So firstly his behaviour is not ok. You have feelings in this relationship and they are allowed to be expressed without an angry response. He might not see that there is a problem but you deserve for him to listen if you feel there is one. Is he happy to express his feelings in the relationship? How do you respond when he does? Tired or not that is not the way to respond to someone you love when they are trying to communicate their feelings. His response seems extreme and then sleeping in another room?!

His response in the morning should be to apologise. Is this how you want to be treated? Sending too many texts hardly seems like a big issue. If you had a friend who came to you with this problem what would you say to her? I know things are easier said than done and rationality goes out the window when there is love and emotions involved. It's easy for someone else to tell you when to do when they no attachment to the situation.

Try and get some sleep, deal with it all in the morning. Look after yourself.

[dollhouse]

If you are living together since May why did he tell you to leave, it's your place too? He definitely needs to say his I am sorry to you and also get treatment for his rage and anger issues..what he did to you was emotional and verbal abuse and that is NEVER alright to do to anyone.

[TheEvilJester]

We all get mad sometimes, and none of us are the best us when we do get mad. So you should never necessarily judge somebody simply based on the person they are when they are at their worst...... BUT that sure as HELL is not a reasonable excuse to be abusive and simply chalk that up to "Oh.... sorry... I was just mad." Make no mistake about it.... he is being abusive. He may not be PHYSICALLY abusive, but he is verbally and emotionally abusive.

It is one thing to get mad and have a heated argument. That happens to the best of us. It is another for him to be saying such mean spirited things like "I hate you" and "Nobody ever loved you" and things like that. That is not okay. Not even in the slightest. That, to me, suggests that he has anger issues and is unable to deal with anger in a healthy way.

I do agree with the others that he should be apologizing to you when things cool down. ....However, an apology does not magically make everything okay. An apology is not sincere unless there is sincere effort to learn from what was done wrong. Even if he DID apologize, he can't just apologize, act like a complete jerk again, apologize, act like a complete jerk again, apologize, and so on and so on just thinking that an apology always magically makes everything better again.

When it comes right down to it, he needs to hear how you feel. He needs to hear how his actions make you feel. As best you can, try not to make it sound like you are blaming him directly. For example, instead of saying something like "I want to talk about our problems when we have an argument but you just run off like a child" better to say something like "I understand you don't mean this, but when I need to talk to you and you just walk off, it hurts my feelings. It makes me feel like we can't work together on things if we never even get the chance to discuss them." You are saying basically the same thing, but you aren't wording it like you are directly blaming him. Even though, honestly, it sounds like he IS to blame, or at least in part.

If he can't have a civil conversation with you and is unwilling to work through problems if/when you ever have them, then how can you ever trust him as a partner? How can you trust him to be there for you through good times and bad when you see nothing but proof that he runs from problems? If he can't grow up and deal with his anger in a more healthy way, then maybe you deserve better. I hope it doesn't have to come to that, but I hope if he gives you no other option that you care enough about yourself not to settle for somebody who does not deserve you.

Good luck to you either way.