Am I Doing the Right Things with my Boyfriend? HELP!

[Kathryn6586]

I need some advice. I am 25 years old and I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for about 5 years. We have a great relationship, are best friends, he treats me good, my family loves him and I love him very very much BUT we have a problem: FINANCIAL ISSUES. He can’t seem to keep a job & is in and out of work all the time, rarely is ever able to help pay any household bills, and is always asking me for financial assistance. He has ruined his credit by opening accounts, going to the doctor and never paying the bills etc. He feels awful and is often very depressed about his job/ financial situation but can’t seem to “get it together.” I feel that this is holding us back from moving forward in our relationship.


I would like to be engaged and possibly married by now but I don’t feel comfortable moving forward when he has not been able to show any financial stability. How would we have children, buy a house etc? How could I rely on him to help ‘hold down the fort’ if I ever lost my job? I have a great career and great credit so this really bothers me. I feel that I have been waiting around 5 years with no improvement. Each year rolls around and we are in the same predicament. I always assumed he just wasn’t mature enough yet…you know the saying about how men mature much later then women? But come on, I am not asking for much…just a steady job, help with the bills and for him to work on building up his credit.


I recently asked him to leave the apartment we share and stopped assisting him financially. We had a long talk about my expectations and I have given him an ultimatum: “get it together” or we have to go our separate ways. I can’t wait around forever for something that may never change. I am giving him 6 months to show me improvement. This decision has been very hard for me because of the bond that we have. I don’t want to let financial problems tear me away from the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. I basically just want some input…am I doing the right thing? What do you guys think? Any advice would help!

[Wakeup]

I think you are doing the right thing and you're being very fair about it. You're giving him one.last.chance to improve his irresponsibility. Doing anything less is just enabling him to be a lesser man than he could be.

What did he say when you gave him the time limit?

[bloodtippedrose]

Props on the initiative! Wow so great to see someone being level-headed and strong about their own relationship issues. Inspiring.
Six months is a great amount of time to "get it together" and it will really show he cares and want's to be with you if he stands on his own feet and works himself out of his slump.

I have dated my bf for 3 years and mooched off him and his great career for one year now. He pays everything of mine and I am lazily looking for a job right now. If he gave me that ultimatum, it would tear me up but would be HUGE motivation and an opportunity for me to show him how much I care and how great of work ethic I actually have. Sometimes people need a swift kick in the ass to get them going. If in six months he has not improved, you've saved yourself later hardships.

I think I'm going to get a few applications in tonight.. 0_0

[Kathryn6586]

Wow, thanks guys that makes me feel alot better about my decision and gives me some reassurance that I am doing the right thing. I feel better.

To answer your question: when I gave him the Ultimatum he agreed that he would try his hardest but that it wouldn't happen "overnight" which I am aware of BUT 6 months is a good amount of time to make improvements. I feel that if he truly loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me like he says he does, he is going to do everything in his power to make it right.

If he doesn't, I can walk away knowing that I gave him a fair chance...5 years PLUS an ultimatum.

Good luck on those applications!

Thanks again.

[SapphireBerry]

I can totally understand where you are coming from. What is he currently doing for a job that doesn’t pay a good enough salary? Is he going to reconsider? Does he have any qualifications that might benefit in terms of getting a well-paid job?

In terms of a permanent separation it would probably be the right path to go down if he does not sort this out. You want to move forward and he is clearly holding you back. Regardless of the bond that you two have, money is a necessity of life and if it is a top priority for you to soon start a family and settle down then this is not the right person to continue with. Maybe he needs more encouragement? Sorry to state the obvious but you clearly know what you must do and what he must do, he either ups his game or that’s it.

[Kathryn6586]

@Sapphire he is a machinist apprentice and has the ability to be making great money. His problem is that he gets a job, works somewhere for a few months then leaves...this happens over and over and over again. He's probably worked at about 20 different places since we've been together. It's like no place is ever right for him and there's always a problem or a catch and it's getting ridiculous which is why I had to put my foot down. This constant quitting of jobs holds him back from getting anywhere in his career or his life. No benefits, no advancements, no steady income, nothing! & when he's out of work I have to take up the financial burden. I just want him to hold a steady job and stabilize his life financially. He sucks at managing money, paying bills and basically anything that has to do with it. I try my best to push him, encourage him and teach him but I'm worn out. It's up to him now.

Thanks for your input hun.

[Kathryn6586]

Let me also add that the reason I was questioning this is because I talked to a friend about it and she said you should never let money ruin your relationship and that I should just focus on whats important: the fact that he's good to me, is loyal and faithful and is my best friend....so I started to question whether I was wrong...

Yes, those things are all very important but so is our future and as I get older I start to have more adult concerns in my relationship. It's not about how much MONEY he makes...it's about being an ADULT and being stable...do you agree?

[SapphireBerry]

well before I posted a response I thought "hey wait, relationships dont all come down to financial stability".. I mean it is definitely a hiccup within a relationship but nothing that can't be fixed if the two are determined to fix it.

And I work in a job I don't particularly love to pieces but I still pack down and get on with it, afterall it's about earning the money to make a stable living and then you can move onto something that may be more enjoyable and/or fulfilling but until you're on stable financial grounds to do so I would just suck it up and get on with it. But honestly, I'd rather be performing and making money from that but instead I am busting my ass at a clothing store.. It's okay when you're quite young anyway to be in a job that's not really your thing, it's all about getting by at first and working on other areas of your life whilst doing so (i.e. getting a diploma in something else you enjoy).

But look, if you love him very much and see a future together you just gotta give him more of a kick up the ass, he's not seeing it for what it is at the moment and people tend to make mistakes, it's just a case of making the same ones over and over :/ Also, I'd leave the financial matters up to you if he is TERRIBLE with money until he can learn to take matters into his own hands without making a mess out of it..