Long distance relationship problem

[lucidliving]

My boyfriend and I have been together 4months. we met when he was in my city on vacation. we've seen each other 1 or 2 times a month since then. I felt completely in love the first 3 1/2 months but have been feeling very off about things lately. We text back and fourth during the day, some days more than others, and talk on the phone once a week. I'm a very compassionate person. When I love someone I tell them all the time, want to cuddle and be around them. He is not a very cuddly/affectionate person (which I should have seen as a red flag). He used to be so sweet and lovey, I guess he has gotten comfortable now bc he's not like that anymore. He still tells me he loves me but we express our love differently. We have talked about me moving up to where he lives but I don't think I'm ready to leave my area anytime soon. and he can't move bc of his job. Basically I really love him but don't feel that I am getting what I need/want out of the relationship, and I don't know that I can do the distance for a year or however long it may be. I'm afraid if I break up with him ill be making a mistake and regret it. but I'm not happy right now. I have no idea what to do? I don't know how to talk to him about this.

Also, I've been friends with a guy that lives in my area for the last few years. we always felt something for each other but for one reason or another never got together. he has been contacting me a lot these last few months asking for a real chance, talking to me as a friend, etc. he knows I am in a LDR right now. I am attracted and feel something for this other guy. which is only making my current relationship even more difficult. right now I can't stand the thought of breaking up with my boyfriend, but I cant stand the thought of not pursuing this other guy either. I'm extremely confused and don't know what I want. friends are telling me to "go with my gut" but to be honest I don't know what its telling me to do. Anyone been in a situation like this before? Any advice?

[cultureclash]

Hey there -

I think you answered your own thread already and you know it. Reading through this I would assume you are still pretty young and none of the guys really hit you in that "that's the one" kind of way, which is fine, because also these kinds of relationships can be enjoyed very much and one learns a lot from them (about what is important to you). I think nobody should decide for other people if or if not to break up or go for a guy or not, one can only help to reflect.

My advice to you is to first find out what you want without even thinking about the guys. Get some days of distance and figure out what makes YOU happy as a person and then go from there and make a decision. This can be pro one of the guys or even just you being single and OK with it.

As for LDR in general:
As someone who was in an LDR once (we met before I left to study abroad Overseas, then 1 year long distance, then 7 years of relationship living together) and now with my "new boyfriend" I happen to be in one again for a couple of months until he relocates and we move in together (but also we were able to spend months together before the ocean separated us): I strongly believe LDR only makes sense when you both have a plan for how long you will be in an LDR and how you make it work. The latter requires a very strong, honest relationship (in so many ways), trust and just as in a regular relationship - the right balance between individualism (some space/time for yourselves) and together time (sharing thoughts, laughing together, making plans, making an effort and thinking about how to make the other person happy even from the distance ..).

Now it is on you to find your answers.

[Mat25]

Hi,First of all i think that is not hard thing to do. Because i have a friend, good friend of mine, for example he never had a relationship with a girl in a same town. And why is that? Its a funny story if you ask me, he used to hang out on Phonochat, PartyLine.com and RodeoChat and always, but always, he meets girls form the other town. And at the end not so bad thing. But it was few years ago, now he is happily married. So you never give up!

[TheEvilJester]

I think cultureclash pretty much said it all. Only you can really decide what you want and which of these guys you want to pursue.... or if maybe you don't want to pursue either. When it comes down to it, though, it doesn't sound like you are happy with the current fella. If that can change, then maybe you talk to him about it and hopefully you can both work together to fix things. If it seems unlikely it will ever change, then probably best just to move on.

I will say this.... He's not necessarily wrong for not being all that cuddly/affectionate a person. Not everybody is. ....But at the same time, you are also not wrong because you ARE very affectionate/cuddly. Thing is, though, if you are and he's not, that MAY be a reason you two are just not quite the right match. If you are very affectionate, you are probably going to want somebody who is as well. So, you'd probably never quite feel fulfilled with him.

Now, that is just my thoughts based on what you shared. I can't really know if I am right or wrong because I'm not you, I'm not him, I'm not a cyborg spying on your every move (although it is my cyborg I sent.... I mean.... no it's not. Umm... I mean.... what cyborg? )

So, really, only you know for sure. As far as the other fella...

Well, one qualifying question I have. Are you and your boyfriend actually officially boyfriend and girlfriend? Have you had the exclusive talk and have decided that you are both no longer seeing other people? If not, then he's honestly just somebody you are dating and not really your boyfriend.... and then you have no obligation to stop seeing other people.

If you two are, in fact, officially boyfriend and girlfriend, then you should not pursue ANYBODY (this other guy or anybody else) unless you decide to end your relationship, and not until after you've done so. Frankly, even if you do end it, you probably should take some YOU time first. Like cultureclash suggested, take some time to learn what makes you happy and what you want in a partner/boyfriend/eventual husband. That last part... think of it not in the context of any specific person, but in the context of what you'd want in anybody who would turn out to be a romantic interest for you. Then in the future you can have a better idea of what you are and are not looking for.

Good luck to you either way. If you want it, you WILL find the right guy for you some day. Sometimes it just takes a bit of searching, and sadly sometimes it takes weeding through a bunch of the wrong people first.